Ryan and Lauren

Its 1:30 am Saturday morning and as I type this the Navigator of the Seas is sailing at 21.8 knots, or about 25 miles per hour, northbound towards Port Everglades in Fort Lauderdale, our port of disembarkation.   Sadly my cruise with Lauren has almost come to a close, though we still have plenty of relaxation time to make use of at the airport tomorrow.   The feeling of stepping of this cruise ship which has been our home for the past 6 days is without doubt bittersweet.  I’m drawn back to thinking about all the adventures the two of us have made together be it across the country, out of the country, or just a simple trip to Lake Cumberland.  Its hard for me to acknowledge this vacation will probably be our last ‘big’ solo trip together.  Times have changed, and like all my friends, they have changed with the times.  I always wanted the opportunity to take just one more journey with Lauren, I didn’t care where, I just wanted it to be like it was, like those trips of times faded into the past.  A distant memory I wanted to rekindle just one more time was what I was asking for and I can both thankfully, and gratefully say I can place a big checkmark next to this item on my bucket list. 

As much as this trip was for me, and believe me I was definitely a driving force behind it, it was for Lauren too, but not for those trivial reasons like getting away from work, and escaping the normalcy of day to day life.  I wanted her to be able to have a journey with me at least one more time, post diagnosis, that she herself could look back on, flip through photos and hold a souveneir and remember how healthy I was and how despite being sick, and going through all the rough times, and especially the terrible times, we were still able to go out and be ‘Ryan & Lauren” again, just once more.  I never know how much time I have left, I guess no one does, but I did know I was able to take this trip as the duo we used to be, and she would have had an equally good time.  So tomorrow we go back to being our boyfriends others and that’s okay.  I got what I wanted and it was worth every second. 

I’ve tried for the past 3 years to figure a way to show her my gratitude for the support she and her family have shown me and my family, and until a few months ago I thought it would be in monetary gifts when in reality I realized I needed to create new memories, more than the old stories we shared together, that she can look back on and remember when I’m not around.

We don’t see each other as much as we should, but as I said, life changes for all of us and I understand that.  Having time with her alone, away from the outside world and all its’ technological grasps and the people from home was priceless.    As much as it makes me sad I have to say goodbye to this uninterrupted time with her, I am grateful we had it to share together and I will smile fondly on the memories from this trip where our tablemates at dinner even referred to us as ‘Ryan and Lauren’  (which made it all worth while). 

“ Don’t cry because it’s over – Smile because it happened… “   Dr. Suess