When I first got sick I had so much running through my head I could, at times, hardly process it all. Those first few weeks were really hard to deal with - watching my job which I had worked so hard to get and worked so hard at. I loved going to work everyday because the people I was working with were so incredible. Certainly there were days when I was stressed out trying to get reports done, proposals drawn up, dealing with guest complaints etc. but be that as it may, I never was able to go a day at The Beach without laughing. An extra blessing for me, was being able to work with my best friend, who in herself makes me laugh all the time.
So here was this job that I valued and quite literally overnight it was gone and though I held on to the hope I'd be able to return for months and months, I know now it won't happen. So even though I don't have that opportunity any longer I decided I would take something from it and never let it go and that is the happiness.
I quickly realized I had two options going forward with my diagnosis...
1. Wallow in self pity, become angry at the world for dealing me a crappy hand and being miserable
or
2. Take stock of what I had to be grateful for, and remind myself daily that I am so lucky to be here just one more day. Yet most importantly, to never have a pity party - not for me or for anyone else.
To me it was a no brainer, I couldn't be anything but happy. I think if we are being honest, there are definitely people who are undergoing the treatment plans I am subjected to and chose option 1. To me, it never made any sense why you would want to spend what time you had left wanting people, including ones self to feel bad for them.
So that was it, I decided to pick my self up by the bootstraps and live life to the fullest, do as much as I physically could and most importantly, be happy doing it. I can tell you, while there have been rare moments in the past 3 years when I have had bad news that motivated tears because I was scared, I've been happy and in truth, it has been life changing.
To stop sweating the small things was a cathartic experience for me. It put into perspective what was truly important.
I consider myself to be extremely lucky to be surrounded by people who are always upbeat, full of life and energy, grateful for what they have both tangible and intangible and they realize they have to be happy because all it takes is a quick drive around town to see people so less fortunate than them. Maybe this makes me a snob by saying this, but I think Im to the point now where I will only surround myself with people who share the same feelings I do.
I can't be around dissention, bickering, fighting, negativity, pity or whatever else fits into this category because it detracts from the focus of my life - to live happily. I do feel bad for people who do constantly fit into this category because I feel like, in truth, they are missing out on life, just wasting time and effort when they could choose the alternative...
I was telling a friend the other day that one of my biggest fears would be getting into an argument with a friend and then the next day having that friend die. I dont know how I could live with myself knowing the last words I ever said to someone were words of anger because I would never have the opportunity to take it back. Obviously if you saw my last blog entry you know my friend Andrew passed away completely unexpectedly and it really shook me up. The more I thought about my friendship with Andrew, the conversations we had, dinners and lunches, nights sitting in the hospital chatting away - there was a common thread - we never had a argument let alone a disagreement. Though Andrew left this world too early, I know he left it having not said a negative thing about any of his friends or family. When the day comes for me to leave, I know I'll be able to say the same thing.
Life is what you make of it, and Im making mine a joyous experience...
Can the same be said for you ?
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