A reunion three years in the making...

Tonight I had the distinct pleasure of hopping in my car, driving 7.5 minutes down the road with Andrew to the Victoria Theater and meeting Lauren, Paul, Matt and Shawn to reconnect with our long lost friend... Lisa Lampanelli...

Lisa Lampanelli, LL as I call her - as we are on an initial basis, is what is known in 'the industry' as an insult comic.  She makes fun of every race, religion and sexual abomination.  She is essentially, my hero.  The show was great, I laughed the whole time and though her ticket prices were a lot higher than they were when Lauren, Matt and I started supporting our fag hag so many years ago at Go Bananas, it was worth it. To be able to check out of reality, even for just a few hours, and forget about everything else thats going on  outside of this place, is priceless.  All in all - money well spent, with my favorite people.

There are other comedians that I enjoy, and by enjoy I mean I can tolerate every so often... i.e. Joan Rivers, Kathy Griffin, Ralphie May, ANT and a few more, but LL takes the cake, and here's why.

Her act is based on everyone thinks they are so different, but really we're all the same when it comes down to it - and furthermore, we should all be able to look at ourselves, not take ourselves so seriously, and just be able to laugh at our differences.   The funny thing is, there are people that consider her insensitive, objectionable and outright offensive, when the reality is she's the least judgmental person there is.  She attracts everybody to these shows, totally diverse crowds and in my opinion, if the world were filled with LL audiences, we'd all live in a better place.

So the moral of tonights story is - Don't take yourself so seriously... it's okay to laugh, especially at yourself!

A spontaneous move...

I used to think I was a nerd for carting my camera around and snapping, quite literally, hundreds of pictures throughout my vacations and it's days like today which make me feel glad I did.  I took a little trip down memory lane tonight, scoured hundreds of pictures from vacations I took when times were simpler, and my health was better.  It's hard, at times, to not get choked up looking at the pictures and remembering the fun I had, but it makes me glad I was able to experience it.

Virtually all of my vacations have been financed by myself, most of the times I really didn't need to spend the money, but to me it was worth the money and knowing what I know now and having the appreciation for the finite time we have here, makes those trips priceless.

To me it wasn't about the money, it was about the experience to be had and the question which was always in the back of my head - When do you know for certain you'll be able to come back here and experience this again?  Without being able to answer that question - the only suitable solution was to spend the money, and go at that time.  It was spontaneous, even perhaps a little careless - yet by all accounts, priceless.

Im still a spontaneous person, but as spontaneous as I am, so is my health.   I couldn't imagine living my life scheduling a vacation for years in advance.  Saving and waiting, saving and waiting, its the endless cycle.  There will always be something better you can spend your money on.  Who doesnt need to make that extra mortgage payment, or use a new refrigerator.  But that can't provide you with an experience that will last a lifetime.  Possessions break and fade into the past, memories, especially the really good ones - last forever.  I can go back in my head and think to my trips to Cancun, or my Florida vacations, or my Cruises, or other trips to random places I've dragged my friends and think back fondly on them, and place a smile on my face, even if only for a fleeting moment.

You never know when you might need that memory to get you through a rough day, a rough week or even a rough 'from here on out'. You want to do something?  Great! Do it now.  Don't wait.  You never know when your last chance to be able to appreciate it will be.

How you live is a choice,  choose your own adventure... and take pictures...

Attach label here...

My birthday started officially at 12:00am on October 1st.  At 12:05am my phone rang and Andrew was on the other end.  He asked me to come outside as he was in my backyard and wanted to sit on my porch swing with me.  We sat out there for a while talking about nothing, holding hands, looking at the stars, caring about nothing.   He finally looks me in the eye, and ever so understated says to me, Ryan Joseph Aubin... would you be my boyfriend?

Until next time...

Jamesline

Theres a facebook application that lets you choose locations around the globe which you have traveled to, this is one of a very select few that I participate in because sadly, I don't want to be on your pirate ship, I want to give your farm H1N1 and I hope your Mafia dies from a heart attack courtesy of that last cannoli!  As such, I've selected all the fun places I've been fortunate enough to visit in my 27 years, from different states to different countries, I think I've been pretty blessed in my travel endeavors.

I miss traveling.

Lauren and I every year would spend outrageous amounts of money we should have saved to go on vacation with each other.  At the time I didn't regret it because I always have had the opinion "it's just money"  and  "you never know whats going to happen to you, and if you'll ever have this opportunity again".   Wow - what an oracle I am, right?  Knowing what I know now I am so grateful I was able to travel both domestically and internationally, and more importantly, share the experience with the most important person in my life.  The person who says "for your birthday, your mother and I are surprising you with tickets to see Wicked in Orlando while we're there..."  and I reply "oh that's great, Im really excited - but can we go to the Magic Kingdom afterwards?"  and without missing a beat, she says "... of course"

I think my travel partner is like me in a lot of ways, more so than I think either of us realize at times.  We tend to live in the moment.  When an opportunity is presented we go at it full force for the opportunity may not present itself again.  Do what we do without regrets.  To be spontaneous.

I, never in my wildest dreams, could be the type of person who plans out a trip to Kentucky four months in advance.  The person who has their life scheduled out so far in advance the calendar doesn't reach the dates yet.  What happened to saying "Hey, xxxxx, if air and hotel are affordable you want to take off to Florida in a couple weeks?"

Being spontaneous isn't a bad thing, in fact being able to exhibit that behavior reminds me Im still healthy enough to do a lot of things many others aren't.  It reminds me that I am still alive.

But alas, I've become sidetracked... As I was filling out my locales on facebook which I had visited I got to thinking about a place I had traveled a lot to, that wasn't on the list.  It's played a big part in my life the  past 2 years, it's a place I'll never be able to forget, filled with people I didn't know, but grew to trust with my life.  The long name...

  The Ohio State University Comprehensive Cancer Center

 Arthur G. James Cancer Hospital 

For short

The Jimmy

My feelings about The James went from fear and anger, terror, both physical and mental pain... to unwavering gratitude.  I've been an inpatient there twice, both lengthy stays, neither time I wanted to go.  The second time in fact, I was convinced they were sending me there to die.  I figured if the people at Grandview couldn't help me, no one could.  It took the reassurance of the one physician I trust without question telling me the help I needed was there for me to go.  I trusted her, and she was right again.

Where did my gratitude come from?   Obviously I was pretty tickled they managed to save my life,  but mainly how professional and courteous the staff of The James really was.   I was so nervous in going there because I didn't know anyone, nor did my family as we do at Grandview/Southview what I didn't realize was it didn't matter, because the staff treated us as though we were all a big family getting through a tough time.  

I've never met a group on individuals who are so kind, and non-judgemental.  They do the jobs most people would scoff and turn their noses at without question but more importantly do it with compassion. The one misconception about The James is that it is a sad place.  The building and what it stands to fight, are not joyous, but the way the staff treats its patients and visitors is something to be celebrated.  The hospital itself is designed like a hotel.  My first room could easily accommodate 8-10 people comfortably. From carpeted floors, recliner chairs, private bathrooms, mini fridges, to the in house chef, and dvd/vcr combo I wasn't in a standard bleak hospital room, I was somewhere that I could relax comfortably.  But it truly is the staff that sets it apart from the main house.  You as a patient aren't "patient xxx with non-hodgkins lymphoma"... You're Ryan, a guest of The James.   It's true some patients go there when no hope is left and they use it as a palliative resource.  Be that as it may, you are still treated as though you just a normal person, which in reality - is what we are. They make happy a place which could potentially be covered in sadness.

The sad part about my trips to The Jimmy is that by the time I was well enough to thank the countless staff who tended to me night and day, I was back home in dayton, and couldn't remember their names.  So this is my humble attempt in thanking them.  Maybe somehow google will one day route one of their searches to this and they'll read it or something along those lines, who knows, but its out there for consumption.  

I don't want to participate in this ninja thing on facebook either!

Until next time...

14,191,200 minutes old

On October 1, 2010 I'll be celebrating my 27th birthday. A little secret I've never told anyone (not even Lauren) is that when I first was diagnosed and didn't think that I would have much time left, I started setting little goal dates in my iCal that I wanted to get to.  Oddly enough, when I scrolled back through my iCal nearly two years ago, they are still there.  Little things, like making it to Christmas, being able to go to Lauren's birthday party, Going to the Ryle Band Banquet, going to the premier of the Star Trek movie... (dont judge me, it was a very good movie that I happened to enjoy and am equally just as excited about the sequel, because my other boyfriend, Zachary Quinto is in it) 
The dates go on and on and in my mind I had decided if my health could only hold out til then, I would be okay with whatever happened. And as they passed on, I had to keep adding them.  Do I still do it?  Thats for me to know...


But two years ago, my 27th birthday was a day I never thought I would be around see.  To be frankly honest, I wasn't confident if I would see my 26th birthday.  Be that as it may, thankfully, here we are nonetheless and as my birthday approached I realized, courtesy of Facebook, all 300+ of my friends would be notified that yes indeed... today was indeed Ryan Aubin's birthday. 

I think the typical response is to put in your status the day following how you want to thank all the people who sent nice birthday wishes.  It's sort of an impersonal and lackluster way to get the message across but, alas, thats how some people say thanks and lets be honest - its better than nothing. 

I got to thinking about how I didn't want to do that, so instead I was going to write this blog entry and dedicate it to anyone who wished me a happy 27th birthday. 

I can say that I know virtually all 300 of my friends... give or take the few random people who I sometimes say "who the hell is that"... but they are far and few between, but if you are one of those people and are reading this, no really, who the hell are you? 

So this is what I want to say in response to your birthday message...To whoever you are, please know this... 

The past two years of my life have been anything fun, they have been filled with more pain, disappointment and heartache than I care to even mention.  There were days when I felt forgotten, that I would not recover, that I wouldn't lead a normal life ever again.  There were days when I thought hope was lost. 

One day, shortly after my diagnosis, I started getting messages, phone calls and emails all wishing me well but to be honest, I didn't quite know how to respond so I just decided not to. I was quickly shocked at the amount of people that cared enough to send me even the smallest note.   It was you thinking about me that helped give me the strength to continue my quest to beat what I have.  You remembered me, which meant I wasn't forgotten and more importantly, I was cared about.  

We may talk every day, we might talk only once in a while, we might only exchange a 'poke' every once in a great while... You helped me get to 27.  I've learned a lot about myself this year, cast some of my biggest fears to the wayside, and gained something I thought I'd never be able to have.    

It is you, all of you, who continually give me the courage to get up and live not acrimoniously, but to live happy, live to the fullest, and with great thanks it is you who reminded me

Life isn't about running from the storm, 

rather,

 It's about learning to dance in the rain... 

So on my 27th birthday,

As you wish me yet again, another happy birthday, please realize you've already given me the best gift you could... 

... hope...


(and hopefully an iPad) 

I owe you one!

(But if you need a mailing address to send that iPad you bought me... please let me know)

Is that for here, or to go?

So lately, there has been a lot of talk in the media about the death penalty in the United States.  From the constitutionality of it, to the drug company who manufactures Sodium Thiopental - the medicine that causes unconsciousness, to the first woman being executed in 100 years to the most bizzare, yet thought provoking article, the last meal.

Despite what your views are on capital punishment and its incantations across the planet  and its never ending quest to be more humane there is always that last meal which comes into play.

In Texas, for example, inmates are essentially free to choose whatever they can stomach within a set price limit of course, but be that as it may, can order whatever.  After all it is the last meal, they deserve it right?  Thats another debate...

In Virginia death row inmates are able to choose off the 28 day cycle menu the prison uses, and they can have any combination of items on it, as long as it originates from said menu.

So after reading, in a rather morbid curiosity, this article I started to think... What, if I knew my end was approaching for whatever reason, would I want to be my last meal?

I don't think I'll be consulting my weight watchers book for it, nor obeying the Atkins diet guidelines...

So what would it be?  What do I love to eat more than anything else in the whole world that I would like to eat one final time?  I sat and thought about it, and I actually changed my mind a few times.  Those of you that know me are familiar with my rather limited menu a choose off of anyway so its gotta be one of a few things right?

After deliberating I decided I would want my last meal to be...


A footlong chili-cheese dog, from The Root Beer Stande in Dayton
McMullen meatloaf with mashed potatoes - (thats a breakfast sausage/ground beef delicacy)
Simple italian pasta salad
An ice cold mug of A&W Root Beer
and as dessert ... A few mini corn dogs :-)

What would you choose?

Doesn't know, Doesn't Care

I really am not a political person and more importantly I don't force my political opinions on other people.  It might surprise some that my views on abortion are not those of the church, or for that matter, a lot of my friends.  But thats okay, because it's just my opinion and I'm entitled to it.  I really debated about whether I wanted to write about this and came to the conclusion after seeing how passionate Andrew is about the issue I would.

 I don't know much about Don't ask, Don't tell.   I know that it essentially makes it legal for the United States Military to effectively remove a soldier from a unit for the sole reason of being openly gay, or rather, him or herself.   I know that this policy is selective bigotry and the most simplest of forms.  I know that if a person decided he or she wanted to fight for my freedom I wouldn't tell that person it was okay as long as they were not gay, I would simply say thank you.  I know someone who wanted to be apart of the military and even started the whole process of joining the military but was removed once he announced his sexuality.  I know I kiss that someone, and hold his hand regularly.  I know he has more courage than I could ever have.  I know he and others like him have been grievously disserviced by the military.  Lastly, I know should there ever be a shortage of military men and women and we had to go back to a draft, I have a feeling the government might decide to look the other way when people say 'but Im gay'.

If someone has a problem serving in the military with a gay person, fine transfer that person out of the unit.   Afterall, its not the gay person who has the problem.  I thought I read an article online that discussed surveys being conducted within the branches of the military and while it was not overwhelmingly one way verses the other,  those who agreed with the statement "homosexuality is a non-issue" were significantly greater than those who disagreed.

My opinion, as small as it is and simple as it might be sometimes, just tells me that if a citizen of the US wants to throw on that uniform and go put their life in harms way for me to be able to have the freedoms that I do.  I say, why not?  I say, Thank you ...

So tomorrow we'll see what happens... Will the US rule this archaic, close minded regulation unconstitutional.  Will it recognize the selective bigotry it has been practicing for so long.  Can the US admit to making a mistake?

I care...

Entitled idiots...

Do you have someone in your life who acts as though because they are a citizen of life they are entitled to just about everything under the sun?   Someone who essentially wants everything for nothing?  A person who spends more time procrastinating about doing a task than the task would actually take?

These bottom feeding trolls, infuriate me more than you will know.  Since I have been sick I can't tell you how many times I've had people tell me they wish they could get a 'free check' from the government and be  on a permanent vacation.  I wish I was lying when I say that.  I, in no way glorify my situation, first and foremost.  I chose to make lighthearted comments about my illness, in truth, because of my own insecurities about the future and the unknown, but additionally Im not afraid to talk about it.  It makes me.  

Where the line is drawn, and these select few cant discern the difference, is that I am not getting a free ride. Do I get a disability check the second Wednesday of every month? Yes.  Have I had more surgeries, more treatments, more needles, more days as an inpatient, more pain more emotional stress than most people you know will ever have in their life crammed into 2.5 short years? Yes. Do I have more of the aforementioned to look forward to? Yes. So because I can't provide for myself, the government helps me, minimally at that I might add, but it is help that I am appreciative for every month.  

What these few folks don't understand is that I would give everything I own, have owned, will own, my right arm - I would even go so far as to say I would work for free for the rest of my life if someone could snap their fingers and take what I have and make it disappear.   It enrages me that these people who think  that because I have my hair now, and Im able to walk around town and give the appearance of being normal - they too can just not have a job and let the government foot the bill. 

Why are these people like this?  While I'm not embarrassed that I have disability checks coming to me, its not something I'm proud of.  And it makes me sick to my stomach to know there are people out there, people I know of who would consider being on disability like hitting the lottery.   

It goes without saying I have wished every day since December 2, 2008 that I could go back to my job at The Beach.   I miss the job, I miss my coworkers, I miss the experience and I miss earning a real check.   I think I was very fortunate to be part of a small full time staff that despite the occasional bickering and panties getting in a twist - you knew two things by being a part of the full time staff... 1. You were trustworthy, and loyal and more importantly 2. You were part of a close knit family that cared about you not just for what you could do for the company, but cared about you as a person.  

So to those people who think getting a free ride from Uncle Sam is so grand, or those people who abuse their job by being so abusive and call in as much as you possibly can for some poor excuse, or especially those that constantly talk about how they can't wait to quit their job because they have it so rough, and can do so much better... (to the latter, i say - if you could have you would have by now) ... But to all of them I say:

Quit acting like an entitled idiot and be an adult...

... and I'd like for you to meet Andrew

So I just returned home from a small retreat up to northern Ohio to see Kathy Griffin with my aunt Donna. I told her I was bringing Drew a few weeks ago when I was up visiting her the last time and she thought it would be a great idea to have him come to Cleveland.  I know Drew isn't much for long car rides, but being the trooper he is, he made the journey to Cleveland, and aside from a few trees here and there, the car ride doesn't offer many thrills. 


So to make it somewhat short - Donna met Drew.  The only negative thing, was we didn't have more time to spend with her, but both Donna and Drew are very open, social people so they just started talking as though they had known each other for years.   I know I've mentioned it before, but I've never brought any 'boyfriends' around my family and obviously that includes Donna, so this was the first time she had seen me with someone who was more than a friend.  Her non-reaction to us the entire time we were there made me feel so comfortable and welcome but above that, just normal.  (if that makes sense)  I didn't quite know what to expect from her (like if we were to hold hands and she would avert her eyes, or to kiss and she'd quickly look away... but no, none of that occurred. She saw it and gave an approving  little smile each time I caught her looking actually - maybe she's a voyeur???)  but it was clear we were just another couple in her eyes.


                                         

I have a proposition for you...

Tonights entry doesn't have anything really to do with health, hospitals or cancer (the masses shout YAY!!!), just about a few thoughts Ive had lately and felt like sharing.

I like to think a lot of things... I like to think that one day there will be world peace, I like to think that one day racism and bigotry will be looked back on as archaic ideas held in the minds of the uneducated, I like to think poverty and homelessness will one day be a thing of the past.  Then, there are things that I know.   I know, for instance the US will have a female president,  I know health care will be afforded to all some day, and I know that marriage will one day be defined as the union of two souls.   Herein lies tonight topic... 

I keep my political opinions to myself, as they are my opinions and Im entitled to them, and political debates rarely get anywhere but primetime television, interrupting my Big Brother, or Survivor episode thus ruining my bag of freshly microwaved Orville Reddenbacher popcorn - BTW - anyone remember that crazy stove top popcorn in the aluminum pan, that stuff was a pyromaniacs dream come true!

I digress...

Im sure most of us saw that Proposition 8 was ruled unconstitutional several weeks ago in California.  Thats fantastic, yay, wee, yippee and so on and so forth.  Marriage, to me at least, has always been about love. I know that obviously there are those that subscribe to hating gay marriage because if a man can marry a man, then he can marry a cow, or if you can have one wife why cant you have 10?  Well, while I might not know the answer to the cow thing, you can sure ask the mormons about 10 wives because they've been doing it out that tabernacle for a while. Im actually convinced the entire soprano section of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir is married to one man - but thats just my thought.  

I know my thoughts are essentially no different than other people but the arguments as to why gay marriage is wrong almost always have to do with some type of scripture or the mention of Jesus.  Isn't that why we have the separation of church and state?   So that our lives aren't governed by religious organizations whose affiliates tend to carry multiple copies of the 'good book' on their person.  Why can't love be just that... love?  But since these people have to throw around Christ in the whole debate, the last time I checked, Christ wasn't the only religious figure on this big dirt ball floating out in space.  So if I'm not a christian does that mean the 'evidence' presented by these individuals is meaningless text by some old dude that lived 2000 years ago?  If Buddah says same sex marriage is okay does that trump Christ saying a "man shall not lay with another man"?

I guess what bothers me the most is that the people who vote against gay marriage are trying to control what I can do with my life.   My life is is just that, mine - it does not belong to you, or anyone else for that matter and I live in this little place called the 'land of the free'.  I don't feel so free when I'm told who I can and cannot marry.  It doesn't change the fact when Im ready to get married it will be because I am in love and committing myself to that person.

I do think its funny too when the religious folks come out and start preaching about how there can be no deviation from the word of god - well, I'm sorry, from the god that they subscribe to... not the other 40 deities or so around the earth.   But its clear, especially catholics, seem to forget that religious institutions evolve over time as everything does, be it hair trends, fashion, global temperatures, technology, vocabulary, social norms etc.  The fact is, without evolution we could very well have slavery, people wearing white whigs when they go into court, speaking in 'verse' and going to mass and having it said entirely in latin where the congregation was extremely distanced from the service and participated very minimally.  There was a time not too long ago when only the priest could handle the little Jesus cracker at communion because the non-clergy folks weren't worthy enough to place "Christ's body'

I think about weird situations sometimes and as Drew and I were driving home from Cleveland and I was thinking about this blog entry my heart kind of sank when I ran this little hypothetical scenario in my head:

         So here we are, 10 - 15 years down the road and Drew and I are still together, living happily ever after and gay marriage of course is still not legal, yet we are as committed to each other as humanly possible.   Lets say that my mom and dad for whatever reason are no longer with us and I need someone who I trust to make extremely difficult decisions about the future regarding the care I receive.  I would hope that person, would someday be the person I chose to spend my life with but sadly because he isn't my spouse he couldn't be involved in the decision making process, he might not even be allowed in my hospital room as he is not immediate family.  (I mean, really what hospital would do that?  I have no idea, but it could happen).

It just makes me sad to think with all the violence and negativity in the world today, people actually waste countless upon countless hours trying to ensure that people who are happy, and in love with someone else, who just happens to be of the same gender - cannot have that happiness and are effectively becoming a different classification of citizen, as in, one who is not entitled to marriage because they chose to love a person of the same sex.

 You don't have to approve of my lifestyle, you don't have to have anything to do with me you don't have to participate in it - because Im sure the thought of two people who are the same sex actually engaging in intercourse would just cause their eyes to fall out of the poor peoples heads its such an abomination and all... I really don't even think it should be up for debate, it should just be *BOOM* a law - Marriage is defined as a union between two souls but - since its not... Those who are so vehemently against gay marriage need to look at the love they have for their wife, their fiance', their girlfriend (if your morman all three at the same time) ... And just simply realize - that love can and does exist with people who are in a relationship with a person of the same gender.

The one comforting fact is no matter how long the debate over the legality of Gay Marriage goes, no one can take away the love that two people have for each other who are wanting to wed.  Love is universal regardless of your partners gender and regardless if it matches your own gender.   Im not saying Drew and I are running off to some state where same sex marriage is legal or even that we are madly in love because thats not the truth. But I do care about him and I have feelings for him and I know he feels the same for me and I thank God, the same one who says no gay marriage, that he brought us together - yup - that same god.  Thats what I think ... what do you think?

*disclaimer - I have had a REALLY long day, and I just had chemo the day before yesterday so Im super super tired, my pills are working over time and I was falling asleep multiple times throughout this blog - so if it doesnt make sense right now - Sorry, i'll proof read it and condense the repeated ramblings into shorter ones