"Mean"

We all have choices in life, some are big, some small.  Some are life changing, some are not.  Some affect other people, some barely affect you.  Some can change you for the better, some for the worse. 

When I got sick I had to take a hard look in the mirror.  Here I was at 25 years old, presented with a situation which couldn't be more bleak, the odds of survival not in my favor, and the course of treatment was one of promised pain both physical and and emotional.   I reflected on my life up to the instance I was sitting in, and realized there were quite a few choices I had made which embarassed me, ashamed me and most all hurt me.  I thought about my behavior towards other people, and whether or not I was a warm and welcoming person.  Someone you would feel comfortable approaching without knowing me.  

As I sat looking back at certain events in my life, which then triggered additional memorable events, I realized I wasn't the person I wanted to be and it was in that late night moment at Grandview, my very first night, hooked up to monitors, tubes, a breathing device shackled to my head and my mom asleep in a chair next to me holding my hand to give me the slightest comfort, I decided my life from then on, no matter how long or how short, would be different - for the better. 

I had decided there was no longer time for me to waste on pessimism, there was only room for compassion.  No longer was I going to give a second of my life to negative thinking, as I would much rather be consumed with happiness, and surround myself with happiness than let the opposite fill my life.  

I can say, that even in the darkest days I've had, I have still been a happy person.  Im happy to be alive, Im happy to have my family and my friends.  Im happy to have a team of doctors care so much about me they go about and beyond the scope of their responsibilities to ensure Im cared for. 

I decided that I would do whatever it took for me to be a happy person.  If I had to change the way I viewed people, situations or life in general then it was going to happen.  To my shock and amazement, and quicker than I had anticipated, I realized what I had been missing out on for so long.  

Sarcasm on most levels is a way for insecure people to cope with things, and I can say without a question, it was a coping mechanism for me.  It really is an ugly quality that isnt admirable in any form yet here I was, someone who had gained notoriety for their sarcastic wit.   No longer would that be me. 

When I stopped hiding behind sarcastic comebacks, and comments, I realized just being plain nice is much more healing for the soul.  Sarcasm and negativity just take wounds and help them stay open, never to heal.  

It was my goal to never be equated with mean ever again and I have been totally successful.  Until tonight I suppose. 

Allow me to put a small story inside a story...

As most of you that follow my blog know, my boyfriend this summer and fall was Andrew.  I had convinced myself he was the person for me and was so caught up in my own insecurities about not being able to find a person who could care about someone who was as sick as I, and had the baggage I did, resigned myself to the fact he was the only one willing to do so, and I needed to get over our indifferences because I needed to make this work.  I had the greatest time with him over the summer.  We shared so many great times and experiences, ones I would never trade.  He got me out of the house, treated me like a person again and gave me the strength to realize my apprehension about dating was unfounded.  In truth, it was he who helped me realize we weren't meant for each other.  For various other reasons around Thanksgiving I ended our relationship because it was no longer fair for either of us to continue in it and I promised myself I would not waste time I did not know if I had.   Then this person waltzes into my life, charming, intelligent, compassionate and yes, attractive.   Quick chats led to conversations, which led to night long dialogues.  We began to tell our stories.  Stories of heart break, of pain and sorrow, and of building yourself back up again after you think all is lost.  We were two people, 'Strangers in the Night', who had a choice to make.  The choice to hate life dealt us a crummy hand and be miserable about it, or realize life dealt us a crummy hand and refuse to let it gain control of our everyday life.  He too chose to be the happy person I had chosen to be.   He was going to grow from his experiences, cautiously optimistic proceeding into the future, hoping to never repeat the mistakes of the past.  

I can say I've never told a boyfriend "I love you".  I've dated plenty of guys, but the few serious relationships I've had, I never said it because I never meant it.  Up until the time I was sick, I couldn't tell my friends I loved them, because the words were so powerful to me, I felt the were reserved for when I knew what the feelings were.  I relaxed that policy on friends obviously but still stuck by it with potential boyfriends, if I were to ever find one.  What happened next I can only describe as remarkably unexplainable. 

This person and I meet, and have converse and talk the night away night after night.  When speaking to him, I notice his outward appearance but its almost like i place it on a back burner for lack of better analogy.  I disregard it to an extent.  We look into each others eyes and spill the most intimate details of our hopes and dreams and even our fears.  We talk about the future and what it holds, what we want, and what we expect.  We talk about the past, what has happened, and how we won't be a victim of circumstance any longer.  We both have overcome what, at times, might seem like insurmountable odds with the ferocity of a jungle cat, but are as fragile emotionally as a faberge egg.  The connection I wanted, the one outside of physicality, I was finding myself uncovering with this person.  Every time we spoke time stood still, the earth stopped spinning and we were in our own place.  I saw myself start to develop feelings I had not experienced with anyone i dated before.  I experienced this want to sit and daydream about what the future we could share together would hold.  I knew letting this person slip out of my life was not an option because I had stronger feelings for him now than I had during any relationship I had previously that was any duration.  This wasn't a honeymoon phase because the HM phase is based heavily around the physicality and lacking in depth of knowledge regarding the other person.   The conversations we've shared, are conversations I've only shared with my two best friends, not even my parents know these deep rooted feelings and yet for reasons I cannot explain to you, Im telling this man.   The man who I have feelings for, strong feelings, feelings I know are about to have a label and that label is a four letter word I don't use often.  

Then, without warning, during a very serious and emotional discussion about my health and what I really wanted to find in life. I told him the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with was a person who would (if it ever got to this point)  love me enough to ultimately let me go so I wouldn't suffer anymore.  I told him I knew he had the maturity, and the capability someday to make that decision if my parents and other Health Proxy's were not..  It was then the three words were uttered... simply and sweetly yet with the force of two tons of bricks hitting you at once.   And I returned the three words, for the first time in my life, meaning it from the bottom of my soul.  You might think I am crazy, if I were reading this as an outsider, I probably would.  But you know when you have those feelings and you just know they are right.  This is that time.    I love him.  Im in love with him, all of him.  His faults and all, they are loved.    I promised him when we started out on this journey together I would never hurt him, never make him cry, never upset him or cause him worry and never have mean flow from my person. 

I haven't been happier.  The full story about him is another entry - but for nowthat is all you need to know... 

and now we FFWD back to my blog entry story...

Tonight after a conversation with him, I jokingly said something off color and stupid that I should have kept to myself and naturally the way I intended it to come out didn't materialize... and it caused a reaction I didn't anticipate.  There could have been a tear thrown in after my comment, I could not tell as Skype masks them quite well, but he told me what I said was mean and admittedly it was, and further more, I hurt his feelings. 

I can't take it back, I can't change the way he felt in that instance, and I can't pretend like it didn't happen.  I felt awful, because as soon as he said the word mean, I immediately went back to my room at Grandview on the day of my diagnosis, when I made the conscious choice to no longer be the person I had been.  And here I was, 2.5 years later, with a person that evoked feelings so strong I thought I was crazy at first, and had said something so juvenile, he labeled it as being mean.   I couldn't take it.  I couldn't speak, my eyes watered and I had that feeling in my throat so I just smiled and wished him a good night to only to sit here and think about how stupid my comment was.  

He'll probably forget about it and never bring it up again, but I can no longer say I've never said a mean thing to him, because I have.  And on some level, as trivial as it may sound, it saddens me, a lot.  

If I were to leave this earth tomorrow, the last thing I would want people to remember me as - would be mean.  I've been there and done that, because being mean was "cool" and it is not.   Thats why I made the decision to act differently and eliminate that behavior from my life in the first place.  

Sounds kind of a silly thing to write about doesn't it?   

I guess my point for this entry is, I hope your ultimate goal in life is the same as mine.  To be happy, and live each day with a smile knowing you have emitted kindness, compassion and hospitality on anyone you've come in contact with.  Smiles are free, they look good on everyone, and they are contagious.  Help me spread the smiles, we all might live in a happier place if we took the time to remember somewhere, someplace - there is someone who has it worse off than I do.  That in and of itself is reason enough for me, at least, to be happy. 

I don't get mad, and up til now, I've not been mean, but being this stupid and causing someone a tear or two or three - and to have them tell me I was mean... makes me mad at myself and has reaffirmed my stance on why I changed my daily attitudes enough to know it won't happen again. 

To you the reader I say this, knowing it is long over due...

I love you...

And to the person who makes me eager to find out what our future together holds, I say this... 

Im sorry for my stupid joke, Im sorry for making your tears come out and...

I love you

And don't forget as we enter this new year full of resolutions - you never know when today will be the last day you have here.  Treasure each moment, don't wait for tomorrow do it now, dance in the rain.