I was not yet gay, but of course everyone enjoyed informing me I was. I played all types of sports, and was good but only really played, though it was fun, because my parents wanted me to. I participated in band which I found to be the most enjoyable and then I also took private piano lessons. So as I browsed to social classes at Carroll I couldn't seem to find the closted-queer-band-geek-jock-pianist. Apparently I was the founding member.
Well clearly I was going to cover many different groups so I was going to be loaded in the friend department because in honesty, friends are what you need to make it alive through high school. So I made all these friends in high school and life was just swell and then I graduated high school and I didn't have to go back to Carroll anymore. I didn't wake up the following monday and drag myself into the building 1 minute before the bell rang with sopping wet hair.
Rather quickly, as everyone started going their own ways, I realized all these friends I had made over all these years just sort of forgot about me. I realized the only friend I was still talking to from Carroll were just 3 friends I made so many years before during grade school. Because they, like me, realized communication is a two way street.
As time went on and I participated in color guard and marching band my, what i call "current friends" list was coming and going which was normal, but I still had my "constant friends" . I was fortunate to have some of those current friends graduate to constant friends over time and Im really grateful to have them in my corner.
Fast Forward to 2011
Most of my current friends are gone, I only have the constant ones left. Of my constant friends, many of them have gone on to start lives of their own. Be it a family, a career, whatever the future may hold for them, they've gone on to start the process of being an independent adult. I guess what Im most proud of, is all my best friends are successful, they have their health, and they have love in their lives. You are all so lucky. There aren't many of you, and I don't need many of you - because the few I do have, I know care about me immeasurably, and you should know even though we dont see each other every week, or we don't talk on the phone every day - it doesn't mean I've stopped caring about you. In fact, I care about you more.
A few weeks ago I had one of these close friends tell me she felt so alone and she didn't know what she would do without me because I was her only friend.
This broke my heart.
I used to feel like this, I think I even mentioned in an earlier blog post my biggest fear was no one showing up to my funeral. I had to stop and realize I had didn't have 100's and 100's of friends like those popular people in high school or college, but I had my select few. They might not be a stones throw away anymore - but they are there, just a phone call away. Sometimes I think it takes some reflection on times gone by to remember friends you might have forgotten. A trip on facebook to reconnect with that friend you have not talked to in a while. Or even just a look around you to see friends surround your life every day. Friendships are two way streets, and you shouldn't be afraid to make a first move.
The moral of the story is I have have a nice handful of really close friends I keep in contact with regularly even though we don't see each other often - we make it work and love each other in spite of our distance. My closest, best friends, are just two people. Two people, who know me better than anyone else, know my darkest secrets, my darkest fears and they're all I need. I don't know if I would be able to manage tons of friends, I wouldn't be able to devote enough of my time to each of them and I would start to either stress myself out for not devoting enough time to them, or ignore them and have them start to regret me as a friend...
In the end Ive never wanted a lot of friends. I wanted a close few who knew me well, who I could trust and depend on. Having just a couple friends who you can truly count on, is worth much more than 25 friends who know the same information that your facebook info page does.
Its quality not quantity. I trust that my best friends won't ever leave me, you should do the same. And always take the time to tell your friends how much you love them. :)
As time went on and I participated in color guard and marching band my, what i call "current friends" list was coming and going which was normal, but I still had my "constant friends" . I was fortunate to have some of those current friends graduate to constant friends over time and Im really grateful to have them in my corner.
Fast Forward to 2011
Most of my current friends are gone, I only have the constant ones left. Of my constant friends, many of them have gone on to start lives of their own. Be it a family, a career, whatever the future may hold for them, they've gone on to start the process of being an independent adult. I guess what Im most proud of, is all my best friends are successful, they have their health, and they have love in their lives. You are all so lucky. There aren't many of you, and I don't need many of you - because the few I do have, I know care about me immeasurably, and you should know even though we dont see each other every week, or we don't talk on the phone every day - it doesn't mean I've stopped caring about you. In fact, I care about you more.
A few weeks ago I had one of these close friends tell me she felt so alone and she didn't know what she would do without me because I was her only friend.
This broke my heart.
I used to feel like this, I think I even mentioned in an earlier blog post my biggest fear was no one showing up to my funeral. I had to stop and realize I had didn't have 100's and 100's of friends like those popular people in high school or college, but I had my select few. They might not be a stones throw away anymore - but they are there, just a phone call away. Sometimes I think it takes some reflection on times gone by to remember friends you might have forgotten. A trip on facebook to reconnect with that friend you have not talked to in a while. Or even just a look around you to see friends surround your life every day. Friendships are two way streets, and you shouldn't be afraid to make a first move.
The moral of the story is I have have a nice handful of really close friends I keep in contact with regularly even though we don't see each other often - we make it work and love each other in spite of our distance. My closest, best friends, are just two people. Two people, who know me better than anyone else, know my darkest secrets, my darkest fears and they're all I need. I don't know if I would be able to manage tons of friends, I wouldn't be able to devote enough of my time to each of them and I would start to either stress myself out for not devoting enough time to them, or ignore them and have them start to regret me as a friend...
In the end Ive never wanted a lot of friends. I wanted a close few who knew me well, who I could trust and depend on. Having just a couple friends who you can truly count on, is worth much more than 25 friends who know the same information that your facebook info page does.
Its quality not quantity. I trust that my best friends won't ever leave me, you should do the same. And always take the time to tell your friends how much you love them. :)
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