My Mothers Day

I consider myself blessed everyday of my life when I open my eyes for the first time.  I get one more chance to live one more day, what more could you ask for?  Im blessed to have a team of doctors that have saved my life more than once, I have a very close knit group of friends who have given me the support I needed to keep on my journey and thus saved my spirit.  And I also have a mother, father and sister that has never been closer to me and each other than they are now.   The funny thing is all the aforementioned - are my family.  If you ask me, defining a family as your parents and their children is extremely antiquated.  

But today happens to be Mother's Day.  

If you read the title of my blog today, you'll think Im a big R-tard for forgetting the apostrophe, but in fact, it was omitted intentionally, as it was meant in a plural form.  I consider myself to have 5 mothers... 

Let us begin... 

My mom... 27 years ago she agreed with my father to take this young infant boy from catholic social services and bring him into their home, to give him a chance at a better life than the one his biological mother could provide.  Her heart was so big and full of love, and still is to this day.  Obviously that little boy was me and I could never thank her enough for giving me the life she's provided me. She is the lady who loves me unconditionally despite the times I disappointed her.  The woman who showed me how strong she was by holding my hand when I found out my diagnosis and stayed strong for me because I couldn't stay strong for myself.  She is my rock, my foundation, my everything.  She worries about me more than I worry about myself, she sleeps across the hall to make sure if I ever need anything she'll only be a few steps away.  She has fought for my life more than I ever could have fought alone.  She is realistic in the real world, and how people work yet overly optimistic when it comes to my health.  She has given me the opportunity to see the US, and other countries and ensured that I never will do without.  I trust her with all my heart, because I know she wants the best for me.  I used to think my only regret would be that I could never pay her back for the kindness and compassion she's shown me but now I know I am paying her back by living my life, and being happy.

I remember vividly the day I was at Southview Hospital and they were running this extensive battery of tests and the results were slowly coming back and it looked like I wasn't going to make it through the night.  I was whisked away to the ICU hooked up to every machine possible and the doctors all came into talk to me and I differed them to my mom and essentially made her my power of attorney, which she has been ever since I might add) and I can remember the look on her face, of her processing all this information in a clinical way, but knowing it wasnt about just a patient, it was about her son and the information wasn't coming from a doctor she didn't know because all these nurses in this hospital used to work for my mother, they were her employees and she's been friends with all these doctors for a long time ... So I can remember seeing the difficulty in what they were saying to her in her eyes.   She came back into the room and all she said was

       "Ryan, your oxygen levels right now are very low.  I want to know if, at night it becomes to difficult for you to breathe - do you want them to put an airway in for you?" 

I looked at her with tears in my eyes, and I said "yes, but I don't wan't to suffer forever mom... you'll know when enough is enough?"  and she said...

     "You will never suffer, or feel any pain and I promise you one day very soon you are going to walk out here on your own two feet and you're going to start living again, and start smiling"

So by me living my life and her knowing I am the happiest I've been in my life, I know she is happy as well. 

My next mother is Donna Graham, my mothers best friend and my now Aunt.  She has been the guiding force in me choosing what I wanted to do with my life professionally and personally.  She has been there to always give me the support I needed to tell me I could be and would be anything I wanted to as long as I put my mind to it.  She, along with my mother, has ensured I get the chance to live fully.  Though extremely successful and the CFO of University Hospitals in Cleveland her schedule is so so tight and she barely has time to wipe her nose, yet she manages to always find time to let me come to Cleveland and spend time with her.  Shes been at every christmas, and every major family function since I was 12  and I can honestly say she instilled in me the principle of "you can be exactly who you are, and not be sorry about it".  But the most important thing she's done has befriended my mother, who unlike me, is not a social butterfly.  My mom and Donna are great pals and since my diagnosis Donna has been a great shoulder to cry on and reassurance to my mother that things are going to be okay... 

Next is Linda McMullen... I dont know if I've ever met a woman so genuinely full of love.   She welcomed me into her family when Lauren and I first started being the social butterflies we are.  She's watched me grow up the past ten years and has been a part of my life I couldnt live without.  She listens to me talk about my good days and my bad days, we've gone shopping together, go on vacation and spend the holidays together.  Linda has adopted as her own and cares about me just as much as she cares about her own kids.  I think it says a lot about a person and how much you mean to them when they visit you in the hospital repeatedly to always give you that extra little vote of confidence you might be lacking.   Linda has seen me in my good times, she's seen me in really bad times and never judged me once... She always greets me with a big hug and says good bye with an "i love you"... 

Coming up now is Marj Ruef... I can remember the day my parents found out I was gay, I ran over to Megans house crying and stayed there until her mom got home from work.  Marj being the comforting person she is, was reassuring me they would come around and to just give it time.  We've had our ups and downs, as I've definitely contributed to the delinquency of her daughter in high school on occasion but as all teenagers do, they grow up and the same can be said for me.  Not a time goes by when I don't see Marj and she will ask how Im doing and how Im feeling and always is offering to watch Jacob should I not be feeling up to it.  As with Linda, Marj has made several visits to see me in the hospital and I guess Im probably to stoned to ever tell them how appreciative I am of them taking time out of their schedule to see me, but they do.  Marj and I also have one other little thing in common... We are camels... we could literally go through 6 or 7 beverages per meal.  The woman is a walking water tower!  

Lastly... is , as in my biological mother.  Theres lots to be said about this and maybe I'll write a blog about it one day but I don't know this woman personally but I do know some of her traits.  I know she was brave - brave enough to carry a child for 9 months, give birth to him and then immediately give him away.  I dont know what that would feel like, but I know on some level it had to be painful.  I know her heart is full of love, because she loved me so much without even really meeting me ever to know that she couldnt provide the life I deserved, and so she gave me up to a couple that could love me and provide the life her baby deserved knowing she would never see me again.  And I also know... she was a hairstylist... (there has to be some irony in that???? maybe all the gay guys she worked around rubbed off on the poor fetus)  and no im not kidding, i found it in my info packet from catholic social services ;-) 

So those are my mothers... They are awesome, and Im really fortunate to have all of them grace my life...

Mothers love is peace,

 it need not be acquired, 

it need not be deserved

 - Erich Fromm 

Things I know to be true...

So... It's been a while since my last blog post... And without going into too much detail, things happen for reasons and I truly believe we grow from those we surround ourselves with.   Things have been really weird for me since Andrew died.  It has definitely put my own mortality into perspective but not only that, but it reaffirmed why I need to be thankful for every single moment of every day.  Rain or shine, hot or cold - Im here, and its a blessing.  I realized that I am who I am, and most importantly - Im totally content with the person I've become.  I have grown up a lot in my twenty-seven years, and in the past three of them, Ive grown into a mature adult.  Its a shame that being sick is what had to force me into that adult mentality but I have no doubt I would have arrived here at some point or another.

You know... Oprah writes at the end of her magazine every month this article entitled "Things I know for sure".  I thought it was interesting to read her take on what she knows for sure, most of them are positive reaffirming life stances and values that we all should share.  So I started reflecting over the things I knew for sure...

One thing I know for sure, is never change yourself for someone else.  Be yourself, and be so unapologetically... To do so is the only way to be true to yourself.

Another thing I know, don't let anyone tell you what you can and cannot do.  Giving up your freedoms makes you 'less' than the person demanding you change.  You are an equal, and most cases better than the person making the demands...

One other thing I know... Anyone who fights with you, argues with you and overall makes you feel sad... is probably someone you should move yourself away from because distance is the only way to ensure the negativity they spew stays away from your happiness.

You live you learn I suppose, and those are a few things I've learned the past few months, and that I know for sure.  I would hate to sacrifice any of the things I know and then not have the opportunity to live another day... That would be a bigger regret than sacrificing what I know to be true.

Its what you make of it...

When I first got sick I had so much running through my head I could, at times, hardly process it all.  Those first few weeks were really hard to deal with - watching my job which I had worked so hard to get and worked so hard at.  I loved going to work everyday because the people I was working with were so incredible.  Certainly there were days when I was stressed out trying to get reports done, proposals drawn up, dealing with guest complaints etc.  but be that as it may, I never was able to go a day at The Beach without laughing.   An extra blessing for me, was being able to work with my best friend, who in herself makes me laugh all the time.

So here was this job that I valued and quite literally overnight it was gone and though I held on to the hope I'd be able to return for months and months, I know now it won't happen.  So even though I don't have that opportunity any longer I decided I would take something from it and never let it go and that is the happiness.

I quickly realized I had two options going forward with my diagnosis...

1. Wallow in self pity, become angry at the world for dealing me a crappy hand  and being miserable

or

2. Take stock of what I had to be grateful for, and remind myself daily that I am so lucky to be here just one more day.  Yet most importantly, to never have a pity party - not for me or for anyone else.

To me it was a no brainer, I couldn't be anything but happy.  I think if we are being honest, there are definitely people who are undergoing the treatment plans I am subjected to and chose option 1.   To me, it never made any sense why you would want to spend what time you had left wanting people, including ones self to feel bad for them.

So that was it, I decided to pick my self up by the bootstraps and live life to the fullest, do as much as I physically could and most importantly, be happy doing it.   I can tell you, while there have been rare moments in the past 3 years when I have had bad news that motivated tears because I was scared, I've been happy and in truth, it has been life changing.

To stop sweating the small things was a cathartic experience for me.  It put into perspective what was truly important.

I consider myself to be extremely lucky to be surrounded by people who are always upbeat, full of life and energy, grateful for what they have both tangible and intangible and they realize they have to be happy because all it takes is a quick drive around town to see people so less fortunate than them.   Maybe this makes me a snob by saying this, but I think Im to the point now where I will only surround myself with people who share the same feelings I do.

I can't be around dissention, bickering, fighting, negativity, pity or whatever else fits into this category because it detracts from the focus of my life - to live happily.   I do feel bad for people who do constantly fit into this category because I feel like, in truth, they are missing out on life, just wasting time and effort when they could choose the alternative...

I was telling a friend the other day that one of my biggest fears would be getting into an argument with a friend and then the next day having that friend die.   I dont know how I could live with myself knowing the last words I ever said to someone were words of anger because I would never have the opportunity to take it back.   Obviously if you saw my last blog entry you know my friend Andrew passed away completely unexpectedly and it really shook me up.  The more I thought about my friendship with Andrew, the conversations we had,  dinners and lunches,  nights sitting in the hospital chatting away - there was a common thread - we never had a argument let alone a disagreement.  Though Andrew left this world too early, I know he left it having not said a negative thing about any of his friends or family.  When the day comes for me to leave, I know I'll be able to say the same thing.

Life is what you make of it, and Im making mine a joyous experience...

Can the same be said for you ?

I had that feeling...

I was so tired today...  I took Jake to school this morning after waking him up around 6:45 to get a shower, and after getting home for some reason I just wasn't able to fall back asleep, so I spent the day awake.   I crawled into bed around 10:45 tonight and slipped off to sleep.  For some reason I woke up with this sinking feeling in my stomach around 1:30 and just couldn't shake it.  So after chalking it up to being really tired and my pills kicking in I opened up my computer and got on facebook to check a notification I had.

I was making arrangements with Donna to potentially come visit her the weekend after next and with that in mind decided I would hop on over to my friend Andrews facebook to see if he would like to meet up for a late lunch early dinner on either day I come home or go up to Cleveland.

I met Andrew about two years ago while I was an inpatient at The James the second time.  My family didn't stay as late into the evening as they did before so I spent many nights alone and bored.  Andrew was an a friend I had only met once prior to me being at The James, but regardless we were both computer dorks so we kept in touch.  When I told him I was in columbus as an inpatient he offered many nights to come bring me dinner and sit with me and hang out to keep me company.

Andrew would make me feel like my closest friends would... normal.  I knew I looked awful, and he couldn't have cared less what my physical appearance was.  He never probed any questions about my health, but if I talked about it, he listened.   It was then I knew he was a real worth while friend and we had kept in contact, having the occasional lunch / dinner in Columbus and chatting online about our nerdy topics regularly.

Then I got online tonight... before I could even begin to write my note to him on his wall, my jaw hit the ground, my pulse began to race and my eyes started to fill, uncontrollably, with tears.

Andrew had passed away earlier this evening in his apartment, from what is thought to be natural causes, without anyone with him.


I am so surprised this happened, and Im saddened.  Im sad he is gone and sad for his family and friends.  More so I am sad that such a kind soul is gone too soon, sad that such a bright smile that was always on display is gone, sad that a gentle voice has been silenced.

No one knows when their time will come to leave and it has always been my fervent belief that because of this you should always live like today is your last, to have no hate in your heart, and to have no regrets.   I know when Andrew took his last breath tonight he didn't have any anger in his heart or any regrets on his mind.

It is in moments like these, that solidify why I live my life the way I do.  I don't have any regrets or any anger, nor do I ever want any.  I've certainly had my chances, even as of late, to be bitter, pick petty fights and argue... but I can't.   You don't have to love me, you don't have to like me and to be honest you don't even have to acknowledge me... but life is too finite for me to do anything but love you for who you are, faults and all.  I think we'd all live happier lives if we could just accept a mindset of that nature.

All that negativity does one thing, and it is to distract you from living your life as happily as you can.   I can think of no bigger regret than to pass away having said something hurtful, done something hurtful or not telling someone how much they really mean to me.  If Andrews death means anything to me personally, it is that I should be grateful for where I am and who I am here with.  Im surrounded by people who care about me and love me, sadly I lost one of those people today.

The world lost a kind and gentle soul today, a soul who truly knew and embraced how to dance in the rain, and though he isn't here to talk to anymore he'll always have a special place in my heart.

So here's to you Andrew, dance away...

Glad I could be here...

Today is your birthday...

When I first met you I really only knew your name.  Who knew over the course of so many years we would turn into friends, best friends, a inseparable pair, a dynamic duo and most importantly, family. 

I don't know what my life would be without you.  You've shown me more about myself and what I am capable of than I thought I knew.  You've given me courage when I was scared, you've backed my decisions when you questioned them, you have laughed at my jokes even when they aren't funny.  You traveled with me wherever I chose even if you could not afford it, you adopted my family as yours,  you held my hand when I wasn't strong.  You have given me balance both physically and mentally when I was weak, you wiped my tears when I couldn't,  you have made certain I always feel normal.  You have loved me when I didn't love myself.

I wish everyone knew you as I did - to see you for the selfless and humble person you are.  You are beautiful inside and out.  You have the biggest heart of anyone I know and you are everything I want and everything I need and lucky for me, I never have to worry about being alone because I know you'll always be by my side.

Even though our lives have changed and we are finding our own place in the world I know that when the tears fall or the smiles spread across our faces, we'll come to each other because no matter where this crazy world takes us, nothing will ever change so much much to the point where we're not still friends. 

So here's to you, Here's to me, 

... Friends may we always be.

But, if by chance we disagree, 

Up yours! Here's to me!

I love you...

Happy Birthday

Back in reality

My vacation with Lauren has been over now for a little more than a week and I am peeling like crazy, but still have my tan kinda.  I expected to come home from my cruise and just carry on with life, I had my kidney surgery scheduled for the following week, staging scans for Dr. Nanda to do among other things.  What happens the day I get home from Cleveland?  I managed to nab the cold Lauren had on the cruise.  

I have managed to stay 'healthy' and not get any flu or cold like symptoms since I was diagnosed back in December of 2008.  I am extremely vigilant about who I surround myself with, and make sure that if I have been exposed I take enough antibiotics ahead of time that I have beaten it before it took hold.  Well sadly, I think being in close proximity to Lauren for a week was more than my pills could fight off.   For people who are not immunocompromised you can beat a cold in a few days - sadly, mine just finally got better within the past 2 - 3 days and it was just miserable.  Drenching night sweats, fevers, chills, coughs, runny nose and sinus pressure non-stop.  I kept taking my pills but when your immune system has been destroyed by the chemo, it takes a while.  

Lucky for me persistence pays off and I was finally able to recover, though I definitely took down my mother, my father, my boyfriend and Megan with me... Misery needs company right?

In any event, on top of that my mother isn't doing so hot and its a lot for me to handle.  The next part of this entry might be fragmented and seem just like random thoughts but I promise in the end - it will make sense.  

My mom, for those of you who don't know, is essentially a Doctor, though the correct term is a Family Nurse Practitioner.  She's completing her actual doctorate right now and will be done in May.  My mother has 25 + years in healthcare and is one of the smartest people I know.  With that being said, she blames herself for not catching my illness sooner and she, in my eyes, will never forgive herself though to me there is nothing to forgive.  She has watched over me with a careful eye the past few years treating me at times, like a child, ensuring my health was of the most paramount importance to her.  She is active in all my hospital stays, outpatient procedures and course of action.  She is my durable power of attorney / health proxy, which basically means should I ever not be able to make a decision for myself I have entrusted her to make the decisions for me. 

In June of 2010 my mother had her right knee replaced and though the surgery was a success, the person who exited the surgery was not the same woman who entered.   At first we all chalked it up to excessive pain medication to alleviate the discomfort she was experiencing though as time progressed and her knee healed, her cognitive abilities did not.  

Since the surgery she can remember neither the month nor the day nor the day of the week.  She cannot remember conversations people have had with her post operatively.   She makes claims of scheduling appointments and in reality does not.  Her balance is virtually non-existant.  She shuffles around with a confused look on her face.  She spends most of her time in bed sleeping 14-16 hours a day, and when she is awake she sits in her chair in the living room and acts tired.  Her speech is slurred at times and at other times her speech makes little sense. 

It was funny at first because we thought it was a side effect from the pain medicine but after a brief period realized the severity of the situation.  

First we thought she'd had a stroke, which was ruled out by MRI.  Perhaps a TIA?  Those are almost impossible to diagnose as they leave no evidence to be picked up on an imaging device and those symptoms resolve within hours. 

She's been to neurologists who are taking their sweet time with her, treating this as though it is not a big deal when this is an emergency.  

My mother is sharp as a tack when it comes to anything pre surgery.   She can still have a medical conversation with you that would blow your panties off and more likely confuse you because you wouldn't think that information would be coming out of that confused looking face.  

So far all we know is her vitamin levels are critically low which can play a part in fatigue, she is still undergoing testing to diagnose what exactly is wrong but we've done some research on our own. 

There is something called "post operative cognitive disorder" which the symptoms for fit my mother to a T.  She hasn't been diagnosed with this, but I would suspect it's on the horizon.  The scary part about PoCD is that not time frame is given for remediation and no medication can be given to remedy its symptoms. 

I mention all this because it is really taking a toll on me. 

I have become her babysitter, the keeper of what little schedule she has left.  I feel obligated to stay with her because Im afraid she will hurt herself if she is home alone.  We have the same conversations multiple times and I am asked the same questions repeatedly.  I worry about her and I worry about me, should something happen to me and decisions need made - at this point she would have to be left out of the equation.  As I know she can process the information, she just isn't able to articulate what she wants to say. 

I feel like the mother who has watched over me the past few years... I take that back... I feel like my mom, the one who Im so close to, the one who I attribute with saving my life, is trapped inside her body and can't communicate.  

It's breaking my heart inside to see her get frustrated day after day, and fall time after time because the real Cheryl deep down knows something is wrong and it is bothering her.  I know I have no right to get angry or even short with her when she can't remember things but it is so hard because I often times forget that she can't help it and its not her fault so to her in addition to not being able to remember, which I know upsets her, she has me being mean to her for essentially doing something beyond her control. 

There are more details to the story, but thats primarily it.  I hope that soon she will have a diagnosis and a course of action to help guide her and our family on the path to recovery. By family of course I don't know if I include my sister, she just ignores the problem and is only home for a few hours a week anyway, so she is not really a participant in the problem.

So now that I'm back here in reality, here's hoping for a little more patience and understanding on my end. 

Ryan and Lauren

Its 1:30 am Saturday morning and as I type this the Navigator of the Seas is sailing at 21.8 knots, or about 25 miles per hour, northbound towards Port Everglades in Fort Lauderdale, our port of disembarkation.   Sadly my cruise with Lauren has almost come to a close, though we still have plenty of relaxation time to make use of at the airport tomorrow.   The feeling of stepping of this cruise ship which has been our home for the past 6 days is without doubt bittersweet.  I’m drawn back to thinking about all the adventures the two of us have made together be it across the country, out of the country, or just a simple trip to Lake Cumberland.  Its hard for me to acknowledge this vacation will probably be our last ‘big’ solo trip together.  Times have changed, and like all my friends, they have changed with the times.  I always wanted the opportunity to take just one more journey with Lauren, I didn’t care where, I just wanted it to be like it was, like those trips of times faded into the past.  A distant memory I wanted to rekindle just one more time was what I was asking for and I can both thankfully, and gratefully say I can place a big checkmark next to this item on my bucket list. 

As much as this trip was for me, and believe me I was definitely a driving force behind it, it was for Lauren too, but not for those trivial reasons like getting away from work, and escaping the normalcy of day to day life.  I wanted her to be able to have a journey with me at least one more time, post diagnosis, that she herself could look back on, flip through photos and hold a souveneir and remember how healthy I was and how despite being sick, and going through all the rough times, and especially the terrible times, we were still able to go out and be ‘Ryan & Lauren” again, just once more.  I never know how much time I have left, I guess no one does, but I did know I was able to take this trip as the duo we used to be, and she would have had an equally good time.  So tomorrow we go back to being our boyfriends others and that’s okay.  I got what I wanted and it was worth every second. 

I’ve tried for the past 3 years to figure a way to show her my gratitude for the support she and her family have shown me and my family, and until a few months ago I thought it would be in monetary gifts when in reality I realized I needed to create new memories, more than the old stories we shared together, that she can look back on and remember when I’m not around.

We don’t see each other as much as we should, but as I said, life changes for all of us and I understand that.  Having time with her alone, away from the outside world and all its’ technological grasps and the people from home was priceless.    As much as it makes me sad I have to say goodbye to this uninterrupted time with her, I am grateful we had it to share together and I will smile fondly on the memories from this trip where our tablemates at dinner even referred to us as ‘Ryan and Lauren’  (which made it all worth while). 

“ Don’t cry because it’s over – Smile because it happened… “   Dr. Suess

Up Up & Away!!!

As I sit here and write this I am onboard a flight, 30,000 feet in the air, to Fort Lauderdale, Florida accompanied by my best friend, Lauren.  To me this trip seems almost surreal in a way because I never thought it was going to come to fruition.  It felt, almost, as though it were simply a pipe dream – something to sit around the house and fantasize about.

Five years ago Lauren and I started this somewhat expensive tradition of traveling.  I’ve long been a fan of spending ones’ money while one has it because you can’t take it with you when you are gone.  This mantra evolved into countless adventures across the US and abroad with my, among many other titles, travel buddy.

We’ve gone to Mexico and ventured off to Orlando a few times and even throw in a Vegas trip to name a few.  Traveling with her was becoming almost as dependable as our outrageous Christmas gifts for each other.   It was a tradition I didn’t foresee ending anytime in the near future. 

Then December of 2008 rolled around and my life changed dramatically.  Traveling to and from the living room without losing my breath became the priority.  Traveling anywhere outside the home was virtually impossible and the mere thought of that type of travel would simply exhaust me. 

It became my goal shortly thereafter to one day be healthy enough to escape my mothers careful eye and go on at least one more vacation with my travel buddy.  I’ve had more ups and downs than an airplane in the past two years, and at times it seems like a constant row of downs without end in sight.   Then somehow I ended up at the end of 2010, relatively healthy, fatter than I have been in 2 years, and wanting desperately to put a check mark next to this item on my ‘bucket list’. 

It’s no secret booking travel with me can be somewhat of a daunting task.  Obviously the thought of ‘what if something happens’ crosses everyone’s mind, fear not, Lauren is consummate professional and is fully prepared to brief any medical personnel on my complete medical history and full list of medications should the situation arise and I not be able to.  Then of course there is the travel insurance one would be stupid to not buy (though this time, I didn’t…).  Additionally, even though I feel good – I still get fatigued relatively easily and out of breath at times.

So here we are, travel booked and on our way.  I couldn’t be more excited because this is a day I really didn’t know would come.  There aren’t any mixed emotions with this blog entry, no wishy washy feelings… I’m so excited to be able to embark on this trip.  I know Lauren needs it desperately, and for every but she needs it – I have wanted it, as a personal goal for myself. 

Sitting here, staring out the window, I’m reminded… even though my life might have changed, it is still worth living.  It is in moments like this I am glad I have continued my fight even when the insurmountable odds were stacked against me. 

All of this is just a friendly reminder that life has changed...

So, without further adieu, Bon Voyage… Im Up Up and Away!!!

Take my hand...

Here we are, in 2011.  Another year gone by, more life lessons learned, more journeys have been traveled, more growing as a person.  I finally made the choice to no longer be a spectator to life and decide, in spite having health problems, I was not going to be alone.  I had been envious of my friends for so long, watching them have relationships blossom to much more.  I finally realized I was capable of having an adult relationship and, while I might have to look long and hard, there would be a person who would see me for me. 

To my surprise I thought I found that person over the summer.  Unfortunately as time progressed I allowed the relationship to continue because I was afraid of being alone, despite our commonalities being virtually non-existant.  In this instance, opposites did not attract. 

Then one day, without warning, this person comes waltzing into my life.  Offering his friendship and conversation we quickly developed this rapport with each other that I still didn't have with a person I had spent months with.  This person spoke to me, interested in what I had to say, wanting to know my interests, my likes and hobbies, etc.  He showed a genuine interest in me which I hadn't really had experience with, it was usually the reverse.   I actually felt strange at first because I had not been asked detailed questions about myself in so long I had to stop and think about the answers.  It was almost as though I was getting to know myself again. 

This person opened his heart to me, and in doing so, I opened myself to him, sharing with him the battles I had fought and in truth was still fighting, shared the journeys of how far I had come and my remarkable recovery.   Through an amount of tears I can only describe as 'a boat load'  we had a conversation that lasted hours bringing us closer than I had felt with any other person. 

We shared so much in common, and wanted so many of the same things out of life, our priorities were both similar.  And for the first time I felt as though he was more interested in putting my well being ahead of his own.  He is, without question, selfless. 

Days and nights of deep conversations went by.   Stories of pain and heartache filled the conversation as did stories of stupid mistakes and stories of the best of times which caused an eruption of laughter.  I was getting to know this person at what seemed like light speed.   All I could think from the beginning was, I feel like I've known him all my life. 

Im definitely not an impulsive person when it comes to jumping to relationships without knowing and trusting the person.  

I can't tell you why, I have no explanation, I have no reasons or rationale - but I knew early on this was a person I wanted to be with in a close personal way, I wanted to take his hand, and let him know I'd stand by him in the good times and in bad, as he had promised he would do for me.  I had already found myself caring deeply for him and feeling for him with regards to his own personal strife and sorrow.  I wanted him to know I only wanted to love him, and bring him happiness.  I wanted him to be able to trust again, without reservation.   I couldn't offer him a ton of money, in fact I could only offer him my heart at this point.  I could promise him there were more bad days ahead for me and I couldn't tell him when they would arrive.  Even knowing that, he told me I was what he had been in search of for so long. 

So this whirlwind journey we've been on has been a joy for me.  Im closer to him now than I have been with anyone I had ever been with.  He has proven to be a man of his word countless times already, by putting me first, worrying about my well being.  Accompanying me to treatment sessions, sitting there next to me, offering to hold my hand giving me the reassurance that one day I would be done with this fight. 

 I've chose to close a door in my life, one that I left open for too long to then have this new door swing wide open.  It's amazing how things work and when opportunities present themselves.  

You never know when you'll find the person of your dreams, the person who you spend a night just gazing into their eyes, the person whose hand fits in yours so perfectly.  The person who not only listens to your story, asks to hear more.  The person who loves you for you - be it your outward appearance, your sense of humor, your fragile emotions, your flaws or your insecurities.  The person chooses to take your hand, and stand by you and it's almost as though you can feel that persons love flow from their hand into yours. 

At first I was nervous to say I had these feelings because I thought some might think I was being naive.  I know me, and I know my emotions. I know what I feel today is something I've never felt before, and it's a trust I've never had before.  I wished for this person for a long time, and after I got sick I thought my wish would go unanswered.  I knew early on Andrew was not the answer to my wish, I know now I have found the answer to my wish. 

So here I am, in love with this person and this person is in love with me.  Im not a spectator in life anymore, Im happily an active participant.  Im sure I'll talk about this person in future blog posts, but I do have 4 or 5 posts i've been working on that I really need to finish sometime soon because I get annoyed always seeing 'draft' pop up.  So I wanted to introduce you to this person I love.    So here you go, I'd like to introduce you to my boyfriend... 

Greg

Quantity or Quality

I can remember watching movies portraying high school life before I even entered the halls of Carroll.  I was convinced Hollywoods rendition of the high school social system was the gospel truth and I, my 8th grade year, was preparing to enter this bizzare new world, trying to figure out where I fit.

I was not yet gay, but of course everyone enjoyed informing me I was.  I played all types of sports, and was good but only really played, though it was fun, because my parents wanted me to.   I participated in band which I found to be the most enjoyable and then I also took private piano lessons.   So as I browsed to social classes at Carroll I couldn't seem to find the closted-queer-band-geek-jock-pianist.  Apparently I was the founding member.

Well clearly I was going to cover many different groups so I was going to be loaded in the friend department because in honesty, friends are what you need to make it alive through high school.  So I made all these friends in high school and life was just swell and then I graduated high school and I didn't have to go back to Carroll anymore.  I didn't wake up the following monday and drag myself into the building 1 minute before the bell rang with sopping wet hair.  

Rather quickly, as everyone started going their own ways, I realized all these friends I had made over all these years just sort of forgot about me.  I realized the only friend I was still talking to from Carroll were just 3 friends I made so many years before during grade school.  Because they, like me, realized communication is a two way street.

As time went on and I participated in color guard and marching band my, what i call "current friends" list was coming and going which was normal, but I still had my "constant friends" .  I was fortunate to have some of those current friends graduate to constant friends over time and Im really grateful to have them in my corner.

Fast Forward to 2011

Most of my current friends are gone, I only have the constant ones left.   Of my constant friends, many of them have gone on to start lives of their own.  Be it a family, a career, whatever the future may hold for them, they've gone on to start the process of being an independent adult.  I guess what Im most proud of, is all my best friends are successful, they have their health, and they have love in their lives.   You are all so lucky.   There aren't many of you, and I don't need many of you - because the few I do have, I know care about me immeasurably, and you should know even though we dont see each other every week, or we don't talk on the phone every day - it doesn't mean I've stopped caring about you.  In fact, I care about you more.

A few weeks ago I had one of these close friends tell me she felt so alone and she didn't know what she would do without me because I was her only friend.

This broke my heart.

I used to feel like this, I think I even mentioned in an earlier blog post my biggest fear was no one showing up to my funeral.  I had to stop and realize I had didn't have 100's and 100's of friends like those popular people in high school or college, but I had my select few.  They might not be a stones throw away anymore - but they are there, just a phone call away.  Sometimes I think it takes some reflection on times gone by to remember friends you might have forgotten.  A trip on facebook to reconnect with that friend you have not talked to in a while. Or even just a look around you to see friends surround your life every day.  Friendships are two way streets, and you shouldn't be afraid to make a first move.

The moral of the story is I have have a nice handful of really close friends I keep in contact with regularly even though we don't see each other often - we make it work and love each other in spite of our distance.  My closest, best friends, are just two people.  Two people, who know me better than anyone else, know my darkest secrets, my darkest fears and they're all I need. I don't know if I would be able to manage tons of friends, I wouldn't be able to devote enough of my time to each of them and I would start to either stress myself out for not devoting enough time to them, or ignore them and have them start to regret me as a friend...

In the end Ive never wanted a lot of friends.  I wanted a close few who knew me well, who I could trust and depend on.  Having just a couple friends who you can truly count on, is worth much more than 25 friends who know the same information that your facebook info page does.

Its quality not quantity.  I trust that my best friends won't ever leave me, you should do the same.  And always take the time to tell your friends how much you love them. :)