Excuse me, do I know you?

I come across some strange questions from people from time to time. I think naturally everyone is a little inquisitive when it comes to a topic they aren't all that familiar with, and as my life is more often than not - an open book, I generally don't mind answering peoples questions. So, for fun, I'll list a few (and their respective answers)

Do you have a port?

No, I do not. I receive all my chemotherapy through peripheral IV access.

Are you afraid of needles?

When I was little, petrified. Since all this has started, you sort of get numb to to the whole needle sticks, although those biopsy needles are a bitch. Its like being stabbed with a garden hose.

Has your hair fallen out?

Yes, three times. It comes out in big clumps.

Did your hair grow back a different color or texture, I heard that happens?

Not really, and the day my hair grows back red curls, I'll be getting a weave. It is a little thinner, but if you know me, I had really thick hair.

How much weight have you lost?

Seventy pounds

I heard your urine turns a funny color - is that true?

Yes, its actually neon orange for a few days.

I heard they have interesting nicknames for chemo - does yours have any?

The chemo Im on now, Taxol, does not. Doxirubricin, my former chemo was called "The Red Death"

Do you take a lot of pills?

Between 8-12 a day... just depending on the day.

Do you get sick easily?

I could...

And herein lies the topic of tonights Dancing in the Rain...

I had a lot of questions when I first started chemo, most of which couldn't be answered because they were forward looking questions about how I would react to treatment and the truth is, everyone is different. The one question I know I asked was "Since chemotherapy destroys white blood cells, and your immune system, will I be at risk to get sick easier." The answer was a simple "yes".

I take prophylaxis medications every day to help my body fight off things that, say you or any other 'normal' person, would be able to fight without thinking twice about. The truth of the matter is, a cold could kill me. So I was warned rather frankly, to be careful who Im around, and to know they aren't sick because I would be putting myself at an undue risk.

My life, up to that moment had been surrounded by thousands upon thousands of people I dont know. From teaching band and color guard and attending competitions, going to sporting events, my vacations to florida and other random amusement parks and more importantly - work. As part of the management staff at The Beach, I was constantly interacting with guests and staff members alike, and its not like the same guests come to the park each day. I guess the point is, I had been subjecting myself to who knows how many illnesses while I was undiagnosed. Im sure this didn't help the cause any either!

So after my diagnosis and having been informed I needed to watch where I go, I almost became a recluse. In that, I was petrified to leave my house because of the fear I was going to come across someone who had a cold, the flu or some other random illness that I would catch, not be able to fight off, and then die. Week after week after week I would stay in my house because I felt it was the only safe place I could be. (My family, after my diagnosis all were finishing any incomplete vaccinations for illnesses I would be most inclined to get.)

The first few times I left the house I was afraid to speak to people, afraid to even get close to them let alone look them in the face. It was when I had to go to Job and Family Services in downtown that I had my meltdown. Thanks to the hospital I was at, I didn't have to go through all the initial paperwork, I just had to meet my caseworker to verify my information and sign some papers. I walked into this building and if every homeless person in Dayton wasn't in the building, they were standing outside next to the fire in the garbage can or doing a drug deal in the parking lot. Not to mention the clientele of JFS isn't exactly what you would consider the most educated, or the most worldly. Don't get me wrong, there are definitely those that were "haves" that have fallen on rough times and become "have nots"... but it seemed to me like most of the people there, were abusing the system and nothing more than (forgive me) derelicts of society.

I had to wade through all these people and, to be frank... I don't know Shaquanda, and I certainly don't know her 14 children she has on leashes attached to her hand with freshly painted Lee press on nails. Nor do I know what these kids might be carrying, I mean illness, not like packing heat... Although, it wouldn't surprise me - bust a cap in me, then cough on me... its a lose lose for ole' Ryan.

As soon as I saw this, I had to leave. I couldn't put myself at that kind of risk, right?

I went home, and sat and thought about how I was going to handle this situation and get to the meeting I needed to attend to start my benefits. The more I thought about it, I felt like what a pain it was that I had to change how I was living my life. It was then that I decided even though I was sick, I was going to live my life normally.

I don't believe in pity parties. I don't believe in sympathy. Things happen, and how you deal with those situations determines your quality of life. If you get bogged down every time life throws you a curve ball, when do you have time to live life?

Its funny to read the news update on Facebook, and how many people have these status updates that allude to how their day couldn't get any worse and how they have it pretty bad. Not being able to find your car keys is definitely a reason to look into physician assisted suicide in my book... But seriously, I find myself reading these updates and thinking - "is it really that big a deal to get so bent out shape over?"

People ask me, "how do you handle your diagnosis" - my answer is always the same "I've taken it in stride and with a side of humor". I won't lie, I have had some very serious, very scary, life threatening times so far in my journey with cancer, but I know there are so many more people that are more worse off than I am. I figure, if there is a higher power, I've been afforded a second, and even a third chance at life and I'm not about to waste it with self deprecating behaviors. Things happen... move on.

I ended up going back to the Job and Family Services office later in the week, filled out my paper work and went home and much to my surprise, I didn't die from a cold or a shooting. Ive been to Kings Island, Cedar Point, Lake Cumberland, the mall - lots of places and have been fortunate enough to not get sick. Don't get me wrong, if I do see an ill person I generally steer clear of them, but I have been extremely fortunate, no doubt.

How much happier would your life be if you decided to not let the curve balls life throws your way make your happiness waver? What would happen if you just took it in stride, addressed it, and moved on?

I saw this quote from Dr. Seuss today that inspired my little blog tonight, and it's certainly worth sharing...

Dont cry because its over. Smile because it happened.