These scans scare me, the haunt me, they worry me. Everyone fighting cancer, and everyone who roots for a person fighting cancer hopes and almost assumes that chemotherapy and radiation treatments work. Well you know what they say about people who assume... yes thats right - that they have sexy asses... But in seriousness, I have found over the course of my treatment that naivete' of 'assuming' its working can be a slippery slope from a patients perspective and from the oncologist point of view as well.
It was just over 13 months ago when my specialist at The James, Dr. Biaocchi, (Bi-yolk-ee) had come to the conclusion that since I clinically presented in such great conditions and my current staging scans showed so much improvement we should suspend chemotherapy treatments and come back to the local Dayton oncologist in 3 months to get a check up.
I was elated, overjoyed, thrilled to say the least. I was not only going to have the opportunity to have a normal summer but the chance to be normal, a feeling I had lost what seemed like so long ago. So summer started, and I said my goodbyes to the Oncology department in Dayton for a few months wishing them a happy summer and that I would see them in a few months. It seemed like all the hell I had gone through at The James, the suffering, the pain and the tears had actually paid off in the long run. It was that day that I was so glad to not end my fight months prior. Unfortunately for everyone, we all were a little premature in our celebrations. I didn't make it to the end of summer before being admitted back in to both hospitals.
It turns out the cancer was still actively growing and the good that had come of my stay in Columbus originally, was virtually all for nothing. The cancer had invaded my lung tissues again all the while I was thinking my body was strong enough to fight on its own. I was wrong.
I mention this only because for one, Im petrified of a recommendation to take me off chemo, at least when Im healthy enough, because in my mind the cancer is always growing. But also, the disappointment that comes with the result of "stable", meaning little if any change. I don't think I can express how disheartening it is to know you have put your body, internally, through hell and back and pushing it to its absolute limits for the hope of shrinking of these tumors/cancer cells to find out that 6 months of chemotherapy resulted in little if any improvement. To me, someone who has pretty thick skin and prefers straight shooters (well, actually, I don't prefer straights, or shooters... 2 points for Drew)... getting that result is fairly devastating, because I start playing "what if" in my head subconsciously.
Don't get me wrong, I would much rather have a "stable" result than one of "increased masses, little to no improvement" but we assume chemo will work and, I guess, it is.
I once asked my Oncologist in Dayton, Dr. Nanda - "If the scans continue to come back stable, why don't we increase the chemotherapy - or, moreover, how do you calculate how much to give me" ... Her answer gave me reason to pause...
She said... "Well, you're on the maximum dose. Essentially we figure out how much chemotherapy we can give you without killing you and that's what you get"
Thats a little unnerving
So the stage is set, for August 12th I think, and we always hope for good news and I've generally been fortunate to get that good news... So heres hoping!
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