To tell the truth?

I can't say that I have ever really hidden my true personality to make it seem like I was some butch straight guy who liked 'beer and bitches'... Truth be told, I was very athletic which may have thrown a few people, buy my mannerisms and my interests have never really changed.   So, when the time came halfway through high school that I finally decided to start telling a few people that I was gay, it didn't really come as a surprise to any of them, in fact a majority of them said they had figured as much. Though I can understand why some people who are coming out get a little upset when the person they are telling responds with "i figured", to me, it wasn't like that because I never really hid it.   

Besides, now when I walked down the hall at school and someone cried out "faggot" my response, accompanied with a blank stare was "uh... yeah? can I help you?"  Taunting came to an immediate halt after I came out... 

As with most people, telling mom and dad was going to be the hardest and if I'm being completely honest with you, if  I had my way, I don't know if I would have ever told them.   I can't say that definitely, but when my mother stumbled across a letter that I had kept in my car (at age 16, whose contents made it clear I was dating another boy) the response was anything than positive.  I was confronted with "Is 'this' what you really want"... "Do you know what happens to people like this - They get AIDS and die"... This among a whole bourage of comments and questions.  I had to see a counselor to really determine if the homosexual lifestyle was what I wanted.  I think we all know, I was not a willing participant in those sessions and I pretty much told the crazy lady that I was gay, I was happy with it and I needed her to make my parents understand that and I'll never forget what my dad said to me that last counseling appointment when we were all together.  He said "We might not approve of your lifestyle, but in time we can learn to accept it"...

I assume you'd understand then my discomfort with telling them when I was seeing someone.  I knew if I did, though they might say "okay", on the inside it was making them loathe who I was even more.   So from that moment I made the conscious choice to not tell them.  I knew for a fact they knew my choice was concrete, and I knew it would always be the elephant in the room.  So for the next 10 years, I have never told them about someone I was dating, though in reality I havent dated anyone for almost 3.5 years... there just wasn't time between working full time and now being sick. 

If I had not had the diagnosis I had, and life had continued normally I can't really say I know what there opinion would be... but I wasn't afforded that luxury, instead I've had to put up one hell of a fight to continue to live. 

They have seen me lose my hair, my weight, my appetite, my self confidence and even my desire to be social... In essence they have watched me become lonely and I know that breaks there heart, because I think they realize now, that I have a finite amount of time here, be it 2 years or 20 years or even more - who knows, but I deserve to be happy, and they want me to be happy. 

And at almost 27 years old, I'm a full grown adult capable of making adult decisions, and I think if we all take a trip down memory lane we can all agree I have had to make some pretty serious life altering choices, more than most 27 year olds.   At this age, I should be able to be honest with my parents, our relationship today is as strong as it ever has been and I don't feel like hiding who I am anymore.   I want them to know who he is, and I want them to meet him and know that there is someone who cares about me enough to take all of me, with all my faults. 

So in my mind, I know they want me to be happy, and I know they trust my decisions and the more I rationalize it the "Tell them" side is chocked full of ammo as to why I should.  Then I have a throw back to the reaction when they found out I was gay at 16, not a pleasant one and I also think in their mind they may equate a relationship with sex.  Which, couldn't be farther from the truth.  It's about me finding someone I can care about and me not being lonely anymore. I could really care less about the physicality.  I think I forgot what it was like to get a kiss from someone you had feelings for, or to embrace someone... (ewww, two guys kissing... its actually pretty sexy, im not going to lie to you)

I guess I forget sometimes that as I have grown up, so have they but it still scares me.  I've talked to virtually all my friends about what they think I should do, and the consensus is the same, tell them, but its just one of those things that is easier said than done, and in actuality at I would be twenty seven years old telling my parents Im dating someone, for the first time. 

Given all I've been through, you'd think something like this would be a walk in the park... I just need to grow a pair apparently!