When 'thanks' is not enough

When do you say 'thanks'? I say it all the time... When Im at a restaurant and the server brings my food, when someone passes the salt, when the random old lady takes your picture at Kings Island, when the douche bag cuts you off on the highway (followed by 'prick' and a honk with a finger), when you get your hair cut, when someone yells "faggot" out of a moving vehicle, especially when the pharmacist gives me my refills!

Thank you, or thanks, is the simplest expression of gratitude or appreciation so you would think that simple phrase would be enough when wanting to express the aforementioned. Its simplicity is also its problem, at least for me. How do you express your gratitude to the person, or persons, who were responsible for saving your life. Very few of us will ever know what it feels like to have your life saved, and even fewer to know what its like to save a life. Herein lies my dilemma...

For the longest time I have toiled over how to express my gratitude to my Oncologist, Dr. Nanda. To me, quite frankly, she is the reason why I am still living. She's just a few years older than me, and someone I find very easy to talk to. I believe she has a vested interest in what happens to me and she has gone above and beyond what her responsibilities as my Oncologist require. I trust her, and I trust her opinion more than I trust any other physician I have come into contact over the past two years. If you think about that for a second, that's a fairly high number. I know she finds my case interesting because she used me as a case study, which of course I was flattered by, though there was no photo shoot for me to be on the cover which was slightly disappointing. She is the one who sat with me and convinced me that I had to go to Ohio State not only the first time, but knowing my fear of going back and knowing it was where I could get the treatment I needed, convinced me to go back the second time. I adamantly refused getting a bone marrow biopsy because I knew how painful they could be and only agreed, after much persuasion from my mother, if Dr. Nanda would perform the procedure. There have been countless procedures and countless times where she has explained to me in the kindest way, yet most honest way, that I needed to do said procedure/test/etc. but I finally realized how special she was, and how much she really did care about me was when I transferred back to Grandview from The James (the second time i was in columbus) and just out of the blue the second day I was back, she walked in to my room and said "I heard you were back from Columbus and I wanted to come say hi and see how you were doing". She wasn't there for any clinical reason, just to say hi.

I dont generally like to be visited in the hospital, I know how I look when Im there, and its embarrassing enough wearing an ass-less gown that is definitely not Abercrombie branded...

(Im convinced that if Abercrombie and Fitch made a line of hospital gowns - people would flock to them like bees to honey... but i digress) As much as I don't like being visited, her brief visit that day stood out in my mind because it made me feel like Im more than just a patient #395819 who presented with symptoms x,y,z. I was Ryan, I was very sick and I knew from that moment I could trust her to fight for what was best for me no matter what. And she has...

She has gone to bat for me more times than I'm sure I even realize. If you knew some of the other doctors on my case that I see semi-regularly, you would know how intimidating they can be and I certainly wouldn't want to get in an argument with them yet I know she stands her ground and stands up for whats ultimately best for me.

I know that my case is fairly serious, even though sometimes I act though its not, but I have said from the beginning I hope my case can help the doctors I see learn more about my illnesses and in turn be able to forego some of the stumbles we've had in my treatment. I think it's safe to say my case has increased her knowledge with regards to my specific cancer.

She has my unwavering trust, my total admiration and above all, my utmost respect. She is a true professional and I will always be loyal to her. So how do I thank her? I think by letting her read this might be a start.

But there is another person I can't just thank. A friend in the truest sense of the word. To be honest, she can't be my friend when she's family. This person comforted my parents while they were watching their child lay on a table with a tube down his throat, a tube down his nose, machines breathing for him and hoping and praying he would walk out of this hospital. As one of the most emotional individuals I know, she has the courage of 10,000 lions. She came and saw me everyday I was intubated, driving more than an hour each way to get to spend at most fifteen minutes with me, to just hold my hand and talk to me knowing I may or may not have heard her. Knowing that this could be goodbye. After waking up she still visited almost daily, bringing me all sorts of snacks and meals, sending me every card that makes a sound when you open it, watching TV with me and even helping me clean myself after some of my more humiliating times. She did for me when I could not do for myself. What I regret most are the times the drugs I would be on caused me to say hurtful things that I know caused her pain yet, she looked past it and still came back. She's my motivation, she's my strength, she loves me unconditionally through all my faults and no dollar amount could ever repay her for what she has done for not only me, but my family. To say my mother is stoic is an understatement and she keeps her emotions in check, but for my mom to be able to use this friends shoulder to cry on when things weren't looking the best for me and having essentially made up my mind to end my fight - again, is priceless.

Our relationship is more than unique. Its beyond that of a friend, a confidant, a best friend or even le' fag hag... She is loyal to a fault, as hard as it was for her to come see me in some of my worst times, she was there knowing it was going to be painful. Driving herself into massive debt to be there for me. Spending countless hours reminding me that I was going to be okay and making me as comfortable as I could be. Reminding me despite everything I'd gone through, I was still Ryan, and still normal and still had a life to live. I know she's learned a lot from me, but I don't think she understands what a gift she has been to me. Through her I've gained the extended family I never had and the truth is - if I could be half the person she is, have half the integrity, the loyalty and the love she has I think I'd be pretty fortunate.

I mean this from the bottom of my heart:

You are my partner in crime, my companion, my biggest support. I trust you, I admire you and above all you have my unwavering respect . Lauren McMullen, I love you more than you could ever know, and you will be with me always.

So to Dr. Nanda and Lauren....

Thanks