Its no secret I went to a Catholic High School here in Dayton. Did I enjoy it? Not particularly. Being who I was, not only gay, but being a free thinker and challenging the establishment, was not the way in which one was to handle themselves at Carroll. Of course those formative years can be different for everyone, though as the gay kid in band I wasn't exactly riding the popularity wave, but retrospectively, I was okay with being just me, rather than conform to what was "in". Would I go to a reunion? I don't really know, to be frank, the people I do remember from high school who I would like to see again, I already keep in contact with so that sort of defeats the purpose and it seems as you progress into the reunions that are 15 years and onward, the school really pushes you to donate financially to them. They also like to do this bi-annual magazine deal that clearly some tool that barely knows how to open indesign let alone use it creates in 15 minutes... i digress... But it is the one thing from the school I do leaf through when getting only because it has the section in the back where your classmates can write in and tell of their success. Although, I truly think it would be great if you could put the bad things that happened to you as well, especially the 'popular' people, to make people like me feel better about themselves.... Picture this...
"Heidi Gooch, at age 26, was diagnosed with Herpes following her 8th visit to the Maury Povich show on her quest to find the father of 16 month old Bufonaquishria, sadly her quest is ongoing, and Medicaid has denied her claim for treatment of herpes, as it was a pre-existing condition. She hopes to one day finish her application to Sinclair Community College to start her post secondary education as an undeclared major. She currently is out of work"
I mean seriously - would not that be the greatest thing ever?
In any event, while I was at Cedar Point I came home to find 4 copies of the most recent magazine strewn on the dining room table - my whole family attended the same high school, cute right? And in it I was reading about retirements and how the sports teams ended their 2010 spring seasons and of course the band is going to doing well this year, etc. So I flip through the middle pages, about 10, that are filled with names of alumni who are donors to the school, because in essence this publication is nothing more than a shameless plug for the donors, and I stumble across the back inside cover with the title 'In Memoriam' - a new section. Naturally my interest is peaked, more so because I don't go out of my way to keep in contact with many people from high school and the ones that I do speak with, don't turn in those high school circles either.
So as Im reading, Im noticing a lot of people passed away from old age or middle aged heart attacks / strokes etc. but the last entry was not an alumni, it was a current student who was set to graduate in May. I, for the life of me, can't remember his name - but his story was so frightening to say the least. He had been diagnosed with an aggressive form of Leukemia only a few months before he lost his fight. Just like that, click... its over.
So I finished reading the blurb about him and put the magazine back in the filing cabinet, which also doubles as a garbage can and I took off for a drive and got to thinking about this kid. I doubt he had the opportunity to do much in those few months as he was trying to fight his cancer, and trying to find a bone marrow donor that was a match to him - talk about a needle in a hay stack... This in turn got me to thinking again about how fortunate I have been, even though near death multiple times, I have been able to recover and keep living. The first time I was in the hospital I promised myself if I walked out of that place, despite my physical limitations, I was going to do as much as I could while I could still do it. Much to the chagrin of my Oncologists and other doctors who like to treat me as though I am a fabrege egg, I know that I have to live for today.
You can bet your bottom dollar that I wrote out my list of things I wanted to do or see, within reason, and started checking stuff off my list. From skydiving, to bungee jumping, to wake boarding, to flying an airplane - I have some pretty interesting things on my list. I want to go back to Orlando, to D.C. to Vegas and Los Angeles and even dear San Francisco to name a few. My 'bucket list' contains things that, come hell or high water, I will do before my time here is up. I've got quite a few check marks, and sometimes I even make an addition when inspiration strikes.
But - as I was thinking about this young man from Carroll, it really just bothered me that he probably didn't get the chance to make his 'to do' list.... He probably didn't even get to Make A Wish... it just made me sad, but it also reminded me why I don't pity myself, and moreover why I don't want others pity. I look at myself as Ryan who happens to have cancer, is it bad, well yes - but to act as though I have it so terribly would be egoistic and inefficacious as there are so many other people who have it so much worse off than me.
I guess when my name pops up in the In Memoriam section of the Carroll magazine, then feel bad for me - until then, save it.
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