A reunion three years in the making...

Tonight I had the distinct pleasure of hopping in my car, driving 7.5 minutes down the road with Andrew to the Victoria Theater and meeting Lauren, Paul, Matt and Shawn to reconnect with our long lost friend... Lisa Lampanelli...

Lisa Lampanelli, LL as I call her - as we are on an initial basis, is what is known in 'the industry' as an insult comic.  She makes fun of every race, religion and sexual abomination.  She is essentially, my hero.  The show was great, I laughed the whole time and though her ticket prices were a lot higher than they were when Lauren, Matt and I started supporting our fag hag so many years ago at Go Bananas, it was worth it. To be able to check out of reality, even for just a few hours, and forget about everything else thats going on  outside of this place, is priceless.  All in all - money well spent, with my favorite people.

There are other comedians that I enjoy, and by enjoy I mean I can tolerate every so often... i.e. Joan Rivers, Kathy Griffin, Ralphie May, ANT and a few more, but LL takes the cake, and here's why.

Her act is based on everyone thinks they are so different, but really we're all the same when it comes down to it - and furthermore, we should all be able to look at ourselves, not take ourselves so seriously, and just be able to laugh at our differences.   The funny thing is, there are people that consider her insensitive, objectionable and outright offensive, when the reality is she's the least judgmental person there is.  She attracts everybody to these shows, totally diverse crowds and in my opinion, if the world were filled with LL audiences, we'd all live in a better place.

So the moral of tonights story is - Don't take yourself so seriously... it's okay to laugh, especially at yourself!

A spontaneous move...

I used to think I was a nerd for carting my camera around and snapping, quite literally, hundreds of pictures throughout my vacations and it's days like today which make me feel glad I did.  I took a little trip down memory lane tonight, scoured hundreds of pictures from vacations I took when times were simpler, and my health was better.  It's hard, at times, to not get choked up looking at the pictures and remembering the fun I had, but it makes me glad I was able to experience it.

Virtually all of my vacations have been financed by myself, most of the times I really didn't need to spend the money, but to me it was worth the money and knowing what I know now and having the appreciation for the finite time we have here, makes those trips priceless.

To me it wasn't about the money, it was about the experience to be had and the question which was always in the back of my head - When do you know for certain you'll be able to come back here and experience this again?  Without being able to answer that question - the only suitable solution was to spend the money, and go at that time.  It was spontaneous, even perhaps a little careless - yet by all accounts, priceless.

Im still a spontaneous person, but as spontaneous as I am, so is my health.   I couldn't imagine living my life scheduling a vacation for years in advance.  Saving and waiting, saving and waiting, its the endless cycle.  There will always be something better you can spend your money on.  Who doesnt need to make that extra mortgage payment, or use a new refrigerator.  But that can't provide you with an experience that will last a lifetime.  Possessions break and fade into the past, memories, especially the really good ones - last forever.  I can go back in my head and think to my trips to Cancun, or my Florida vacations, or my Cruises, or other trips to random places I've dragged my friends and think back fondly on them, and place a smile on my face, even if only for a fleeting moment.

You never know when you might need that memory to get you through a rough day, a rough week or even a rough 'from here on out'. You want to do something?  Great! Do it now.  Don't wait.  You never know when your last chance to be able to appreciate it will be.

How you live is a choice,  choose your own adventure... and take pictures...

Attach label here...

My birthday started officially at 12:00am on October 1st.  At 12:05am my phone rang and Andrew was on the other end.  He asked me to come outside as he was in my backyard and wanted to sit on my porch swing with me.  We sat out there for a while talking about nothing, holding hands, looking at the stars, caring about nothing.   He finally looks me in the eye, and ever so understated says to me, Ryan Joseph Aubin... would you be my boyfriend?

Until next time...

Jamesline

Theres a facebook application that lets you choose locations around the globe which you have traveled to, this is one of a very select few that I participate in because sadly, I don't want to be on your pirate ship, I want to give your farm H1N1 and I hope your Mafia dies from a heart attack courtesy of that last cannoli!  As such, I've selected all the fun places I've been fortunate enough to visit in my 27 years, from different states to different countries, I think I've been pretty blessed in my travel endeavors.

I miss traveling.

Lauren and I every year would spend outrageous amounts of money we should have saved to go on vacation with each other.  At the time I didn't regret it because I always have had the opinion "it's just money"  and  "you never know whats going to happen to you, and if you'll ever have this opportunity again".   Wow - what an oracle I am, right?  Knowing what I know now I am so grateful I was able to travel both domestically and internationally, and more importantly, share the experience with the most important person in my life.  The person who says "for your birthday, your mother and I are surprising you with tickets to see Wicked in Orlando while we're there..."  and I reply "oh that's great, Im really excited - but can we go to the Magic Kingdom afterwards?"  and without missing a beat, she says "... of course"

I think my travel partner is like me in a lot of ways, more so than I think either of us realize at times.  We tend to live in the moment.  When an opportunity is presented we go at it full force for the opportunity may not present itself again.  Do what we do without regrets.  To be spontaneous.

I, never in my wildest dreams, could be the type of person who plans out a trip to Kentucky four months in advance.  The person who has their life scheduled out so far in advance the calendar doesn't reach the dates yet.  What happened to saying "Hey, xxxxx, if air and hotel are affordable you want to take off to Florida in a couple weeks?"

Being spontaneous isn't a bad thing, in fact being able to exhibit that behavior reminds me Im still healthy enough to do a lot of things many others aren't.  It reminds me that I am still alive.

But alas, I've become sidetracked... As I was filling out my locales on facebook which I had visited I got to thinking about a place I had traveled a lot to, that wasn't on the list.  It's played a big part in my life the  past 2 years, it's a place I'll never be able to forget, filled with people I didn't know, but grew to trust with my life.  The long name...

  The Ohio State University Comprehensive Cancer Center

 Arthur G. James Cancer Hospital 

For short

The Jimmy

My feelings about The James went from fear and anger, terror, both physical and mental pain... to unwavering gratitude.  I've been an inpatient there twice, both lengthy stays, neither time I wanted to go.  The second time in fact, I was convinced they were sending me there to die.  I figured if the people at Grandview couldn't help me, no one could.  It took the reassurance of the one physician I trust without question telling me the help I needed was there for me to go.  I trusted her, and she was right again.

Where did my gratitude come from?   Obviously I was pretty tickled they managed to save my life,  but mainly how professional and courteous the staff of The James really was.   I was so nervous in going there because I didn't know anyone, nor did my family as we do at Grandview/Southview what I didn't realize was it didn't matter, because the staff treated us as though we were all a big family getting through a tough time.  

I've never met a group on individuals who are so kind, and non-judgemental.  They do the jobs most people would scoff and turn their noses at without question but more importantly do it with compassion. The one misconception about The James is that it is a sad place.  The building and what it stands to fight, are not joyous, but the way the staff treats its patients and visitors is something to be celebrated.  The hospital itself is designed like a hotel.  My first room could easily accommodate 8-10 people comfortably. From carpeted floors, recliner chairs, private bathrooms, mini fridges, to the in house chef, and dvd/vcr combo I wasn't in a standard bleak hospital room, I was somewhere that I could relax comfortably.  But it truly is the staff that sets it apart from the main house.  You as a patient aren't "patient xxx with non-hodgkins lymphoma"... You're Ryan, a guest of The James.   It's true some patients go there when no hope is left and they use it as a palliative resource.  Be that as it may, you are still treated as though you just a normal person, which in reality - is what we are. They make happy a place which could potentially be covered in sadness.

The sad part about my trips to The Jimmy is that by the time I was well enough to thank the countless staff who tended to me night and day, I was back home in dayton, and couldn't remember their names.  So this is my humble attempt in thanking them.  Maybe somehow google will one day route one of their searches to this and they'll read it or something along those lines, who knows, but its out there for consumption.  

I don't want to participate in this ninja thing on facebook either!

Until next time...

14,191,200 minutes old

On October 1, 2010 I'll be celebrating my 27th birthday. A little secret I've never told anyone (not even Lauren) is that when I first was diagnosed and didn't think that I would have much time left, I started setting little goal dates in my iCal that I wanted to get to.  Oddly enough, when I scrolled back through my iCal nearly two years ago, they are still there.  Little things, like making it to Christmas, being able to go to Lauren's birthday party, Going to the Ryle Band Banquet, going to the premier of the Star Trek movie... (dont judge me, it was a very good movie that I happened to enjoy and am equally just as excited about the sequel, because my other boyfriend, Zachary Quinto is in it) 
The dates go on and on and in my mind I had decided if my health could only hold out til then, I would be okay with whatever happened. And as they passed on, I had to keep adding them.  Do I still do it?  Thats for me to know...


But two years ago, my 27th birthday was a day I never thought I would be around see.  To be frankly honest, I wasn't confident if I would see my 26th birthday.  Be that as it may, thankfully, here we are nonetheless and as my birthday approached I realized, courtesy of Facebook, all 300+ of my friends would be notified that yes indeed... today was indeed Ryan Aubin's birthday. 

I think the typical response is to put in your status the day following how you want to thank all the people who sent nice birthday wishes.  It's sort of an impersonal and lackluster way to get the message across but, alas, thats how some people say thanks and lets be honest - its better than nothing. 

I got to thinking about how I didn't want to do that, so instead I was going to write this blog entry and dedicate it to anyone who wished me a happy 27th birthday. 

I can say that I know virtually all 300 of my friends... give or take the few random people who I sometimes say "who the hell is that"... but they are far and few between, but if you are one of those people and are reading this, no really, who the hell are you? 

So this is what I want to say in response to your birthday message...To whoever you are, please know this... 

The past two years of my life have been anything fun, they have been filled with more pain, disappointment and heartache than I care to even mention.  There were days when I felt forgotten, that I would not recover, that I wouldn't lead a normal life ever again.  There were days when I thought hope was lost. 

One day, shortly after my diagnosis, I started getting messages, phone calls and emails all wishing me well but to be honest, I didn't quite know how to respond so I just decided not to. I was quickly shocked at the amount of people that cared enough to send me even the smallest note.   It was you thinking about me that helped give me the strength to continue my quest to beat what I have.  You remembered me, which meant I wasn't forgotten and more importantly, I was cared about.  

We may talk every day, we might talk only once in a while, we might only exchange a 'poke' every once in a great while... You helped me get to 27.  I've learned a lot about myself this year, cast some of my biggest fears to the wayside, and gained something I thought I'd never be able to have.    

It is you, all of you, who continually give me the courage to get up and live not acrimoniously, but to live happy, live to the fullest, and with great thanks it is you who reminded me

Life isn't about running from the storm, 

rather,

 It's about learning to dance in the rain... 

So on my 27th birthday,

As you wish me yet again, another happy birthday, please realize you've already given me the best gift you could... 

... hope...


(and hopefully an iPad) 

I owe you one!

(But if you need a mailing address to send that iPad you bought me... please let me know)

Is that for here, or to go?

So lately, there has been a lot of talk in the media about the death penalty in the United States.  From the constitutionality of it, to the drug company who manufactures Sodium Thiopental - the medicine that causes unconsciousness, to the first woman being executed in 100 years to the most bizzare, yet thought provoking article, the last meal.

Despite what your views are on capital punishment and its incantations across the planet  and its never ending quest to be more humane there is always that last meal which comes into play.

In Texas, for example, inmates are essentially free to choose whatever they can stomach within a set price limit of course, but be that as it may, can order whatever.  After all it is the last meal, they deserve it right?  Thats another debate...

In Virginia death row inmates are able to choose off the 28 day cycle menu the prison uses, and they can have any combination of items on it, as long as it originates from said menu.

So after reading, in a rather morbid curiosity, this article I started to think... What, if I knew my end was approaching for whatever reason, would I want to be my last meal?

I don't think I'll be consulting my weight watchers book for it, nor obeying the Atkins diet guidelines...

So what would it be?  What do I love to eat more than anything else in the whole world that I would like to eat one final time?  I sat and thought about it, and I actually changed my mind a few times.  Those of you that know me are familiar with my rather limited menu a choose off of anyway so its gotta be one of a few things right?

After deliberating I decided I would want my last meal to be...


A footlong chili-cheese dog, from The Root Beer Stande in Dayton
McMullen meatloaf with mashed potatoes - (thats a breakfast sausage/ground beef delicacy)
Simple italian pasta salad
An ice cold mug of A&W Root Beer
and as dessert ... A few mini corn dogs :-)

What would you choose?

Doesn't know, Doesn't Care

I really am not a political person and more importantly I don't force my political opinions on other people.  It might surprise some that my views on abortion are not those of the church, or for that matter, a lot of my friends.  But thats okay, because it's just my opinion and I'm entitled to it.  I really debated about whether I wanted to write about this and came to the conclusion after seeing how passionate Andrew is about the issue I would.

 I don't know much about Don't ask, Don't tell.   I know that it essentially makes it legal for the United States Military to effectively remove a soldier from a unit for the sole reason of being openly gay, or rather, him or herself.   I know that this policy is selective bigotry and the most simplest of forms.  I know that if a person decided he or she wanted to fight for my freedom I wouldn't tell that person it was okay as long as they were not gay, I would simply say thank you.  I know someone who wanted to be apart of the military and even started the whole process of joining the military but was removed once he announced his sexuality.  I know I kiss that someone, and hold his hand regularly.  I know he has more courage than I could ever have.  I know he and others like him have been grievously disserviced by the military.  Lastly, I know should there ever be a shortage of military men and women and we had to go back to a draft, I have a feeling the government might decide to look the other way when people say 'but Im gay'.

If someone has a problem serving in the military with a gay person, fine transfer that person out of the unit.   Afterall, its not the gay person who has the problem.  I thought I read an article online that discussed surveys being conducted within the branches of the military and while it was not overwhelmingly one way verses the other,  those who agreed with the statement "homosexuality is a non-issue" were significantly greater than those who disagreed.

My opinion, as small as it is and simple as it might be sometimes, just tells me that if a citizen of the US wants to throw on that uniform and go put their life in harms way for me to be able to have the freedoms that I do.  I say, why not?  I say, Thank you ...

So tomorrow we'll see what happens... Will the US rule this archaic, close minded regulation unconstitutional.  Will it recognize the selective bigotry it has been practicing for so long.  Can the US admit to making a mistake?

I care...

Entitled idiots...

Do you have someone in your life who acts as though because they are a citizen of life they are entitled to just about everything under the sun?   Someone who essentially wants everything for nothing?  A person who spends more time procrastinating about doing a task than the task would actually take?

These bottom feeding trolls, infuriate me more than you will know.  Since I have been sick I can't tell you how many times I've had people tell me they wish they could get a 'free check' from the government and be  on a permanent vacation.  I wish I was lying when I say that.  I, in no way glorify my situation, first and foremost.  I chose to make lighthearted comments about my illness, in truth, because of my own insecurities about the future and the unknown, but additionally Im not afraid to talk about it.  It makes me.  

Where the line is drawn, and these select few cant discern the difference, is that I am not getting a free ride. Do I get a disability check the second Wednesday of every month? Yes.  Have I had more surgeries, more treatments, more needles, more days as an inpatient, more pain more emotional stress than most people you know will ever have in their life crammed into 2.5 short years? Yes. Do I have more of the aforementioned to look forward to? Yes. So because I can't provide for myself, the government helps me, minimally at that I might add, but it is help that I am appreciative for every month.  

What these few folks don't understand is that I would give everything I own, have owned, will own, my right arm - I would even go so far as to say I would work for free for the rest of my life if someone could snap their fingers and take what I have and make it disappear.   It enrages me that these people who think  that because I have my hair now, and Im able to walk around town and give the appearance of being normal - they too can just not have a job and let the government foot the bill. 

Why are these people like this?  While I'm not embarrassed that I have disability checks coming to me, its not something I'm proud of.  And it makes me sick to my stomach to know there are people out there, people I know of who would consider being on disability like hitting the lottery.   

It goes without saying I have wished every day since December 2, 2008 that I could go back to my job at The Beach.   I miss the job, I miss my coworkers, I miss the experience and I miss earning a real check.   I think I was very fortunate to be part of a small full time staff that despite the occasional bickering and panties getting in a twist - you knew two things by being a part of the full time staff... 1. You were trustworthy, and loyal and more importantly 2. You were part of a close knit family that cared about you not just for what you could do for the company, but cared about you as a person.  

So to those people who think getting a free ride from Uncle Sam is so grand, or those people who abuse their job by being so abusive and call in as much as you possibly can for some poor excuse, or especially those that constantly talk about how they can't wait to quit their job because they have it so rough, and can do so much better... (to the latter, i say - if you could have you would have by now) ... But to all of them I say:

Quit acting like an entitled idiot and be an adult...

... and I'd like for you to meet Andrew

So I just returned home from a small retreat up to northern Ohio to see Kathy Griffin with my aunt Donna. I told her I was bringing Drew a few weeks ago when I was up visiting her the last time and she thought it would be a great idea to have him come to Cleveland.  I know Drew isn't much for long car rides, but being the trooper he is, he made the journey to Cleveland, and aside from a few trees here and there, the car ride doesn't offer many thrills. 


So to make it somewhat short - Donna met Drew.  The only negative thing, was we didn't have more time to spend with her, but both Donna and Drew are very open, social people so they just started talking as though they had known each other for years.   I know I've mentioned it before, but I've never brought any 'boyfriends' around my family and obviously that includes Donna, so this was the first time she had seen me with someone who was more than a friend.  Her non-reaction to us the entire time we were there made me feel so comfortable and welcome but above that, just normal.  (if that makes sense)  I didn't quite know what to expect from her (like if we were to hold hands and she would avert her eyes, or to kiss and she'd quickly look away... but no, none of that occurred. She saw it and gave an approving  little smile each time I caught her looking actually - maybe she's a voyeur???)  but it was clear we were just another couple in her eyes.


                                         

I have a proposition for you...

Tonights entry doesn't have anything really to do with health, hospitals or cancer (the masses shout YAY!!!), just about a few thoughts Ive had lately and felt like sharing.

I like to think a lot of things... I like to think that one day there will be world peace, I like to think that one day racism and bigotry will be looked back on as archaic ideas held in the minds of the uneducated, I like to think poverty and homelessness will one day be a thing of the past.  Then, there are things that I know.   I know, for instance the US will have a female president,  I know health care will be afforded to all some day, and I know that marriage will one day be defined as the union of two souls.   Herein lies tonight topic... 

I keep my political opinions to myself, as they are my opinions and Im entitled to them, and political debates rarely get anywhere but primetime television, interrupting my Big Brother, or Survivor episode thus ruining my bag of freshly microwaved Orville Reddenbacher popcorn - BTW - anyone remember that crazy stove top popcorn in the aluminum pan, that stuff was a pyromaniacs dream come true!

I digress...

Im sure most of us saw that Proposition 8 was ruled unconstitutional several weeks ago in California.  Thats fantastic, yay, wee, yippee and so on and so forth.  Marriage, to me at least, has always been about love. I know that obviously there are those that subscribe to hating gay marriage because if a man can marry a man, then he can marry a cow, or if you can have one wife why cant you have 10?  Well, while I might not know the answer to the cow thing, you can sure ask the mormons about 10 wives because they've been doing it out that tabernacle for a while. Im actually convinced the entire soprano section of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir is married to one man - but thats just my thought.  

I know my thoughts are essentially no different than other people but the arguments as to why gay marriage is wrong almost always have to do with some type of scripture or the mention of Jesus.  Isn't that why we have the separation of church and state?   So that our lives aren't governed by religious organizations whose affiliates tend to carry multiple copies of the 'good book' on their person.  Why can't love be just that... love?  But since these people have to throw around Christ in the whole debate, the last time I checked, Christ wasn't the only religious figure on this big dirt ball floating out in space.  So if I'm not a christian does that mean the 'evidence' presented by these individuals is meaningless text by some old dude that lived 2000 years ago?  If Buddah says same sex marriage is okay does that trump Christ saying a "man shall not lay with another man"?

I guess what bothers me the most is that the people who vote against gay marriage are trying to control what I can do with my life.   My life is is just that, mine - it does not belong to you, or anyone else for that matter and I live in this little place called the 'land of the free'.  I don't feel so free when I'm told who I can and cannot marry.  It doesn't change the fact when Im ready to get married it will be because I am in love and committing myself to that person.

I do think its funny too when the religious folks come out and start preaching about how there can be no deviation from the word of god - well, I'm sorry, from the god that they subscribe to... not the other 40 deities or so around the earth.   But its clear, especially catholics, seem to forget that religious institutions evolve over time as everything does, be it hair trends, fashion, global temperatures, technology, vocabulary, social norms etc.  The fact is, without evolution we could very well have slavery, people wearing white whigs when they go into court, speaking in 'verse' and going to mass and having it said entirely in latin where the congregation was extremely distanced from the service and participated very minimally.  There was a time not too long ago when only the priest could handle the little Jesus cracker at communion because the non-clergy folks weren't worthy enough to place "Christ's body'

I think about weird situations sometimes and as Drew and I were driving home from Cleveland and I was thinking about this blog entry my heart kind of sank when I ran this little hypothetical scenario in my head:

         So here we are, 10 - 15 years down the road and Drew and I are still together, living happily ever after and gay marriage of course is still not legal, yet we are as committed to each other as humanly possible.   Lets say that my mom and dad for whatever reason are no longer with us and I need someone who I trust to make extremely difficult decisions about the future regarding the care I receive.  I would hope that person, would someday be the person I chose to spend my life with but sadly because he isn't my spouse he couldn't be involved in the decision making process, he might not even be allowed in my hospital room as he is not immediate family.  (I mean, really what hospital would do that?  I have no idea, but it could happen).

It just makes me sad to think with all the violence and negativity in the world today, people actually waste countless upon countless hours trying to ensure that people who are happy, and in love with someone else, who just happens to be of the same gender - cannot have that happiness and are effectively becoming a different classification of citizen, as in, one who is not entitled to marriage because they chose to love a person of the same sex.

 You don't have to approve of my lifestyle, you don't have to have anything to do with me you don't have to participate in it - because Im sure the thought of two people who are the same sex actually engaging in intercourse would just cause their eyes to fall out of the poor peoples heads its such an abomination and all... I really don't even think it should be up for debate, it should just be *BOOM* a law - Marriage is defined as a union between two souls but - since its not... Those who are so vehemently against gay marriage need to look at the love they have for their wife, their fiance', their girlfriend (if your morman all three at the same time) ... And just simply realize - that love can and does exist with people who are in a relationship with a person of the same gender.

The one comforting fact is no matter how long the debate over the legality of Gay Marriage goes, no one can take away the love that two people have for each other who are wanting to wed.  Love is universal regardless of your partners gender and regardless if it matches your own gender.   Im not saying Drew and I are running off to some state where same sex marriage is legal or even that we are madly in love because thats not the truth. But I do care about him and I have feelings for him and I know he feels the same for me and I thank God, the same one who says no gay marriage, that he brought us together - yup - that same god.  Thats what I think ... what do you think?

*disclaimer - I have had a REALLY long day, and I just had chemo the day before yesterday so Im super super tired, my pills are working over time and I was falling asleep multiple times throughout this blog - so if it doesnt make sense right now - Sorry, i'll proof read it and condense the repeated ramblings into shorter ones

Ladies and Gentlemen, Welcome to Dayton, where the local time is...

As sad as it is to say - my vacation has come to an end and I have had to come back to Ohio.  I just spent the past week in Las Vegas with my family as well as two friends from high school, and a couple friends from high school who live in Las Vegas now.   To say I had a fantastic time would be selling it short.  Did I do a whole lot?  Not particularly, but its more about the company I suppose, and just not being in Ohio that makes the whole trip worth while.

We stayed at Treasure Island, which for some reason is now only referred to as "ti"... but the hotel was beautiful, our room was freshly remodeled and the location was central to everything, including the Fashion Show Mall... I saw Mystere' while we were there which was probably my favorite Cirque show to date. 

I wish I had tons of stories to share, but sadly - all I did was relax, gamble a little bit and tan.

Drew picked my mom and I up from the airport on sunday night.  It was the first time she had met him, and  it was actually my idea for him to pick us up.  Since then he's actually met both my parents and spoken to them briefly.   With him meeting my parents it just reaffirmed the fact I want to tell them that he is more than a friend.  I think they can see that but don't want to ask and like I've said before (a) Im an adult and (b) I know they want me to be happy.  I can safely say after being with him for over two months that I trust him and I know our relationship is not one of those based totally around sex.  In fact it's quite the opposite.  We have our affection but its something that we haven't rushed into and to be honest, out of the few relationships I have had - this feels like the most adult, and most serious relationship I've had.  He makes me smile today as brightly as the day I met him and I think that says something.  

So my plan for now is to continue to bring him around my parents more and more  and then hopefully by my birthday they will know.   

Anyway - this was sort of a blabber on kind of post, I have other topics I was thinking of while I was in Vegas but those will have to wait until at least tomorrow evening.  

Starting with the topic of people who take advantage of others for selfish reasons...

Damaged Goods

I think to say we are all, on some level, a little self conscious is a fair statement. Be it weight issues, hair falling out, small chest, body hair, freckles, a wonky eye, jacked up teeth, being poor, etc. etc. The list goes on and on. For me, I always thought, when I was younger, that I was a bigger boy. Not necessarily 'fat', but stocky. I was on just about every sports team there was, including football, you don't want to be a twig playing football, but I was also... gay. Not that weight stigmas don't exist in the heterosexual community but I think when it comes to gay people, the weight issue for most, is exacerbated in all its superficiality. So when I was old enough to go to the bars or dance clubs I never had the courage to go up and talk to people, let alone get up and dance with someone, unless it was a girl. I was pretty shy when it came to dating, though had I thought up the idea to meet people by cooking them dinner via an ad they read on craigslist - I may have built up my courage at an earlier age.

Be that as it may, I did my somewhat fair share of dating when I was in high school and college, but quickly grew disenchanted with the superficiality that seemed to trail the gay scene. So I focused on work, and at the time, the color guards I was working with. They became so encompassing of my time I convinced myself I was too busy to have a relationship. Even though deep down it was something I was longing for. The funny thing is, when I started my last employ, I was giving what turned out to be pretty good advice to a friend who was in a relationship that was on a slow track to nowhere, when deep down I could see she had feelings for this friend she swore she didn't like in that capacity. She dumped slow poke and has been dating the friend ever since. Am I an oracle? I think so...

With all that being said, when I got sick the last thing on my mind was dating. Afterall, I was going to be lucky to even go home, so why would I want to try to find someone who I couldn't even go on a date with unless he wanted to come share a hot meal sponsored by the Grandview Hospital Cafe'(teria)...

Hello, Goodbye...

Am I ending my short lived blog?  Of course, not - its the only thing I consider work.

I recently stumbled across, through no fault of my own, a video blog on youtube.  Perhaps some of you have seen him, Davey Wavey.  I started watching one or two videos and found his commentary and outlook on things rather interesting, so I spent the next few days watching his blogs... Some of which made me laugh, some made me get a little misty eyed, and the of course others made me think.  I looked at this kid with all his introspective comments and said - "This guy is me".  He's 26, a marketing tool bag, thought provoking and of course... a big ole' homo.

So here I am watching this guy, who I don't know from a hole in the ground and he has a few friends pop in from time to time to be in his 'webisode' (if thats what you call it).  So as I watch these friends appear throughout the videos I started thinking about who I would have in my videos if I was ever to do that.  I started thinking of my close friends, Lauren and Megan... the closest.  But then I started thinking, for some reason, about all the other people I have, at one point or another, called a friend in my 26 years.

I used to think I didn't have many friends, then of course I had an introduction to Facebook and realized I have 313 friends.  (ytd)

Do you ever have those "I wonder what ever happened to 'so and so' from high school, or work or wherever"?  I find myself on facebook asking that a lot.  So as I started browsing through my friends list it was like taking a trip down memory lane.   Seeing someones name pop up on the list would trigger a memory that involved perhaps people who arent on the list.  From grade school, to youth sports, high school, band, winterguard, Kings Island, Cedar Point and teaching band all the way to the hospitals I've been at - I've made friends from all over that even though I don't keep in touch as much as I once did, those people bore some semblance on my life at one point - and Im thankful for that.


I obviously don't hide the fact I get chemo, or when Im in the hospital so I guess I only have myself to blame - but I think my initial dismissive attitude toward people who I hadn't spoken to in a long time, when they would send me facebook messages or emails or even call, was premature - at best.  What I realized was that these people know me, they cared about me at one point of my life when I was a wee bit healthier - and this note is just a reminder that they still care.

I think maybe the dismissiveness came from me just being angry internally about my situation and pulling an internal 'why me' type deal.  I try to not take a day for granted, because the truth is - it could be my last, but isn't that true for all of us?

So these notes I have tucked away in the deep recess of my facbeook or my iMail might just be worth sending a reply to.  Because the truth is, though we said goodbye once before, they had motivation to say 'hello' again, and for that - I am grateful.


So - who knew this blog about Davey Wavey would turn into me talking about old friends I hadn't seen in a while.  Its all about the 'spin' right?

Until next pill... I mean time...

Live it, be it & own it...

I used to be really shy and embarrassed about my body image, my interests and mostly my sexuality.  I wasn't brought up knowing that should I be gay, that was okay.  In fact, the gay lifestyle wasn't something really addressed in our household at all which made my parents discovery that I was gay all that more difficult.  I wasn't afforded the luxury a lot of people are in telling their parents when they are ready.  I used to actually think that I would never tell them, and they would just never find out.  Naive?  Absolutely.

My parents reaction was not positive, and it took a long time for things to even return to a fraction of the normal they were before they found out.   To make it quick - I, obviously, didn't "come out" in the traditional sense.  I had been dating a guy for a very short period of time and he had written me a, for lack of better term, love note.  In the note, he said that he enjoyed kissing me and that he hoped our relationship progressed further and signed it "love, Tommy".  Obviously no parent wants to hear their child is sexually active at 17 no matter what 'type' of sex it is.  But this note was neatly tucked away in my car which my mother proceeded to snoop around in and eventually discovered.  She confronted me with the note and demanded to know if "this" was what I wanted.  This meaning, this lifestyle.  My internal answer was 'yes', but I quiveringly blurted out 'i dont know'.  So after several family counseling sessions I essentially garnered up the courage to just say that, yes indeed this is the path I've chosen and it is what it is. The reaction, while not as gruff was simply "while we might not approve of your livestyle, we can learn to accept it". 

I have never told my parents of any of my relationships - ever.  I make it plural making it sound like there are so many to really talk about.  The truth is, while I wasn't embarrassed, it was more just like the elephant in the room that I'd rather not talk about to make them uncomfortable - even though at times I just wanted to be honest with them and introduce them to my friends, a few of which meant a little more than 'friend'. 

FASTFORWARD.... 

It's no secret that Andrew and I are seeing one another.  Im not embarrassed by it, in fact Im quite proud to be with him.  He is unapologetic for who he is, and the lifestyle he lives. We go out in public together, we hold hands, we hug and bump into each other.  We sit closely on a park bench and share ice cream, we lean on each other and even the occasional kiss.  Its not flaunting a lifestyle per se' its being so comfortable with who you are and the person you're with that despite the looks some may give.  Besides heterosexual couples do those things, so why can't I?

 Life certainly has dealt him a few bad hands though and through his own strengths he's been able to brush them off and keep moving on.  He's loyal to a fault and he is someone I look at and wish I could be more like, truth be told.   So he decided a few weeks ago that he wanted to see a guest speaker that was coming to his former church in Celina and asked if I would like to attend and if I would be interested in meeting his parents.  Of course I said yes.  So a few days before we were to travel north he met with his mom and dad at separate instances and posed the following statement/question.  "Mom/Dad,  you know that I've been dating someone for a while now, and Im really happy.  I was curious if you would be interested in meeting this someone ".  He seemed so self assured that his parents were going to be willing to meet me and that they would be, in essence, extending the olive branch to him accepting his lifestyle - as his coming out was not as enjoyable either.  Sadly, the response he received from his parents was not of acceptance, it was of declination and un-interest with a side of reaffirmation that his lifestyle was unacceptable.  Though his mothers excuse was that it was just too soon.   It goes without saying he was upset to say the least.  

Upon hearing this, I said to him simply - "give them time... they'll come around".  

For the longest time my parents thought that me being gay was probably the worst thing about me.  Not that D I landed in high school latin, or having a credit card bill sky high... yes, that I was gay.  It took me almost dying for them to realize that being gay is okay.  That there were worse things that could happen to me than dating a guy, and those worse things did happen to me and frankly still happen.  Being gay doesn't make me a second class citizen, and most importantly over time I think they realized that even though they had another label to equate with "Ryan" it was one that went right along side "funny, warm, son, caring, driven... etc." Just another part of me.  Its what had all along made me.  And I don't think that Drew's parents are to that point yet, but I have faith they will.  Because the truth is, those two people, who I did not get the pleasure of meeting this weekend, are behind the great guy I get to tightly hold in my arms.   They made him who he is and I wouldn't change one thing about him.   One day I'll meet them, and on that day I'll wear the same smile I wore when I met his sister and her children and offer them the same handshake and hug I offered his sister.  

Somewhere along the line I think being a 'free thinker' became a bad thing - and its not.   Just because some book says somewhere that two dudes shouldn't lay together doesn't negate that those two dudes laying together don't care for each other.  

I care about Drew, and I know he cares about me.  I trust him, and I know he trusts me. He accepts my flaws, and I accept his. But most importantly he makes me happy, and I know I make him happy.  

So despite what his parents say outloud, or even mine for that matter, their knowledge of his happiness has to make them on some level... happy... so own it!

Patriotic Mumbo Jumbo

Its no secret I went to a Catholic High School here in Dayton.  Did I enjoy it?  Not particularly.  Being who I was, not only gay, but being a free thinker and challenging the establishment, was not the way in which one was to handle themselves at Carroll.  Of course those formative years can be different for everyone, though as the gay kid in band I wasn't exactly riding the popularity wave, but retrospectively, I was okay with being just me, rather than conform to what was "in".  Would I go to a reunion?  I don't really know, to be frank, the people I do remember from high school who I would like to see again, I already keep in contact with so that sort of defeats the purpose and it seems as you progress into the reunions that are 15 years and onward, the school really pushes you to donate financially to them.   They also like to do this bi-annual magazine deal that clearly some tool that barely knows how to open indesign let alone use it creates in 15 minutes... i digress... But it is the one thing from the school I do leaf through when getting only because it has the section in the back where your classmates can write in and tell of their success.  Although, I truly think it would be great if you could put the bad things that happened to you as well, especially the 'popular' people, to make people like me feel better about themselves.... Picture this...

"Heidi Gooch, at age 26, was diagnosed with Herpes following her 8th visit to the Maury Povich show on her quest to find the father of 16 month old Bufonaquishria, sadly her quest is ongoing, and Medicaid has denied her claim for treatment of herpes, as it was a pre-existing condition.  She hopes to one day finish her application to Sinclair Community College to start her post secondary education as an undeclared major.  She currently is out of work"

I mean seriously - would not that be the greatest thing ever?

In any event, while I was at Cedar Point I came home to find 4 copies of the most recent magazine strewn on the dining room table - my whole family attended the same high school, cute right?  And in it I was reading about retirements and how the sports teams ended their 2010 spring seasons and of course the band is going to doing well this year, etc.  So I flip through the middle pages, about 10, that are filled with names of alumni who are donors to the school, because in essence this publication is nothing more than a shameless plug for the donors, and I stumble across the back inside cover with the title 'In Memoriam' - a new section.  Naturally my interest is peaked, more so because I don't go out of my way to keep in contact with many people from high school and the ones that I do speak with, don't turn in those high school circles either.

So as Im reading, Im noticing a lot of people passed away from old age or middle aged heart attacks / strokes etc. but the last entry was not an alumni, it was a current student who was set to graduate in May.  I, for the life of me, can't remember his name - but his story was so frightening to say the least.  He had been diagnosed with an aggressive form of Leukemia only a few months before he lost his fight.   Just like that, click... its over.

So I finished reading the blurb about him and put the magazine back in the filing cabinet, which also doubles as a garbage can and I took off for a drive and got to thinking about this kid.  I doubt he had the opportunity to do much in those few months as he was trying to fight his cancer, and trying to find a bone marrow donor that was a match to him - talk about a needle in a hay stack...   This in turn got me to thinking again about how fortunate I have been, even though near death multiple times, I have been able to recover and keep living.  The first time I was in the hospital I promised myself if I walked out of that place, despite my physical limitations, I was going to do as much as I could while I could still do it.   Much to the chagrin of my Oncologists and other doctors who like to treat me as though I am a fabrege egg, I know that I have to live for today.  

You can bet your bottom dollar that I wrote out my list of things I wanted to do or see, within reason, and started checking stuff off my list.  From skydiving, to bungee jumping, to wake boarding, to flying an airplane - I have some pretty interesting things on my list.  I want to go back to Orlando, to D.C. to Vegas and Los Angeles and even dear San Francisco to name a few.  My 'bucket list' contains things that, come hell or high water, I will do before my time here is up.  I've got quite a few check marks, and sometimes I even make an addition when inspiration strikes.

But - as I was thinking about this young man from Carroll, it really just bothered me that he probably didn't get the chance to make his 'to do' list.... He probably didn't even get to Make A Wish... it just made me sad, but it also reminded me why I don't pity myself, and moreover why I don't want others pity.  I look at myself as Ryan who happens to have cancer, is it bad, well yes - but to act as though I have it so terribly would be egoistic and inefficacious as there are so many other people who have it so much worse off than me.

I guess when my name pops up in the In Memoriam section of the Carroll magazine, then feel bad for me - until then, save it.

Im sorry, but I have a date with a needle...

Despite my most valiant efforts, I will not be able to garner a good nights sleep this Thursday eve, the reason, as is the same once every three weeks - Chemotherapy tomorrow.   I like to think that I'm sort of an 'old soul' so to speak when it comes to this more than monthly happening but the truth is, I still have trouble sleeping, out of nervousness, the night before.  

I have the same trepidations every session, as I think most cancer patients do.  First, you should know, due to the severe risk of infection at the time of diagnosis and my inability to remain healthy enough since, I do not have a portacath (d/b/a - 'a port') - These are especially helpful to people who are on longterm chemo, such as myself, whose veins are subsequently destroyed by the countless needle sticks and flowing poison. So naturally while I don't have a fear of needles per se', I do have a fear one day they wont be able to get a peripheral line started and, GOD FORBID, I have to whip out the ole' crotch-eroo and take chemo, essentially, up the whoo haa... Could you imagine walking around the hospital with a bunch of IV tubing running from the pole, down your pants?   Strange, yet totally funny all in the same... 

So I fear that obviously, and I fear my white count (ANC) not being high enough to have chemo.  I bet you didn't know this - but when you have chemotherapy the point is to wipe out the white blood cells which it does very well mind you, however, they need you to rebound just enough, so they can pump you full of more poison and knock your white cells back on its ass.  So for a normal person your white count is somewhere between 8.0 - 12.0... Mine hovers in the area of 0.8-2.0, although as the current cycle ends, naturally my white count gets higher.   Truth be told, I've been denied chemo many times because I haven't had enough of a white count to destroy - Why waste the poison, yes?

In addition, I have other fears, obviously that the cancer will spread, I'll need a transfusion or especially if the Oncologists want to alter, or change altogether my course of treatment.   Then of course there is the hum dinger of all the fears, the one I think every cancer patient has in the back of their mind that they never really want to address... That being, Chemotherapy is no longer a viable treatment option as your illness has progressed too far.  

I try not to think about that, because a scenario like that does not happen over night... A few weeks, yes, but certainly not 'overnight', but the reality is, its a thought I have had, and hate that I have it.  

I usually don't have, if any, an emotional response to these fears though through my own interpretation of the most benign phone call from the Oncology office my mind flooded with these fears a few days ago and I, much to my chagrin and inability to hide it, had a little break down in my car on the way from the hotel to Cedar Point.  It's that type of moment I try to avoid having in front of people because (a.) I don't want pity, but I also don't want to make anyone uncomfortable with my problems.  I think I have made my opinion of myself being 'damaged goods' clear, and I was really concerned that Drew might think I was sicker than I was, or that on the inside I was an emotional roller coaster, neither of which are true.  The comforting hand on my shoulder combined with the "You know that I am here for you..."  sort of washed those trepidations away.  

I can't say I have had many break downs in the past but the few that I have occurred, have more or less been thrust on Lauren, whether or not she's ready for it.  I have shared with her the darkest, most painful times in life and she, while not sugar coating things, reassures me she isn't going anywhere.   I would much rather know, despite all my shortcomings that you'll be next to me to face whatever adversity comes my way... than be spoon fed some line about "its all going to be okay"... Because the truth is, if everything was going to be okay, some crazy third world terrorist would suffer through this, rather than me - but thats neither here nor there... 

I've ventured off topic a bit, but the point I was trying to get at goes back one of my Cardinal Cancer Rules... being, Live Normally.  I think if I sat around all day saying "what if" - I would turn into a hermit, like Nell,  doing absolutely nothing with me life.  I know what my fears are, and I face them and realize - it could be worse, and it is for some people, so sit down, shut up and stick me in the arm with that needle and let the poison flow... 

Now if you'll excuse me - I have a date with a needle...

Make your own luck

The livelihoods of professional gamblers are based on games of chance, a big if.  The whole tourism industry on a whole operates on a series of big ifs, for that matter the global economy functions in one large "what if" scenario.  Those that take chances are considering risk takers, and those that don't are conservative.

I

I feel like such a fool for thinking that people would judge me for something that was ultimately totally beyond my control.  In all honesty, it took someone who didn't know of my illnesses, to show me that it was possible for a person to look past my illness, and care about me.  I don't know if he knows how grateful I am to him for that, and I probably would never have the courage to tell him to his face, but it is the truth.  For someone who has been dealt a series of bad hands the past few years, I feel like Im a card away from a Royal Flush.  

The moral of the story is always be yourself.  I tried to change who I was and become an introvert that stopped taking risks... Its not me.  I tend to be a gambler, because even if it doesn't work out - at least I tried.

To tell the truth?

I can't say that I have ever really hidden my true personality to make it seem like I was some butch straight guy who liked 'beer and bitches'... Truth be told, I was very athletic which may have thrown a few people, buy my mannerisms and my interests have never really changed.   So, when the time came halfway through high school that I finally decided to start telling a few people that I was gay, it didn't really come as a surprise to any of them, in fact a majority of them said they had figured as much. Though I can understand why some people who are coming out get a little upset when the person they are telling responds with "i figured", to me, it wasn't like that because I never really hid it.   

Besides, now when I walked down the hall at school and someone cried out "faggot" my response, accompanied with a blank stare was "uh... yeah? can I help you?"  Taunting came to an immediate halt after I came out... 

As with most people, telling mom and dad was going to be the hardest and if I'm being completely honest with you, if  I had my way, I don't know if I would have ever told them.   I can't say that definitely, but when my mother stumbled across a letter that I had kept in my car (at age 16, whose contents made it clear I was dating another boy) the response was anything than positive.  I was confronted with "Is 'this' what you really want"... "Do you know what happens to people like this - They get AIDS and die"... This among a whole bourage of comments and questions.  I had to see a counselor to really determine if the homosexual lifestyle was what I wanted.  I think we all know, I was not a willing participant in those sessions and I pretty much told the crazy lady that I was gay, I was happy with it and I needed her to make my parents understand that and I'll never forget what my dad said to me that last counseling appointment when we were all together.  He said "We might not approve of your lifestyle, but in time we can learn to accept it"...

I assume you'd understand then my discomfort with telling them when I was seeing someone.  I knew if I did, though they might say "okay", on the inside it was making them loathe who I was even more.   So from that moment I made the conscious choice to not tell them.  I knew for a fact they knew my choice was concrete, and I knew it would always be the elephant in the room.  So for the next 10 years, I have never told them about someone I was dating, though in reality I havent dated anyone for almost 3.5 years... there just wasn't time between working full time and now being sick. 

If I had not had the diagnosis I had, and life had continued normally I can't really say I know what there opinion would be... but I wasn't afforded that luxury, instead I've had to put up one hell of a fight to continue to live. 

They have seen me lose my hair, my weight, my appetite, my self confidence and even my desire to be social... In essence they have watched me become lonely and I know that breaks there heart, because I think they realize now, that I have a finite amount of time here, be it 2 years or 20 years or even more - who knows, but I deserve to be happy, and they want me to be happy. 

And at almost 27 years old, I'm a full grown adult capable of making adult decisions, and I think if we all take a trip down memory lane we can all agree I have had to make some pretty serious life altering choices, more than most 27 year olds.   At this age, I should be able to be honest with my parents, our relationship today is as strong as it ever has been and I don't feel like hiding who I am anymore.   I want them to know who he is, and I want them to meet him and know that there is someone who cares about me enough to take all of me, with all my faults. 

So in my mind, I know they want me to be happy, and I know they trust my decisions and the more I rationalize it the "Tell them" side is chocked full of ammo as to why I should.  Then I have a throw back to the reaction when they found out I was gay at 16, not a pleasant one and I also think in their mind they may equate a relationship with sex.  Which, couldn't be farther from the truth.  It's about me finding someone I can care about and me not being lonely anymore. I could really care less about the physicality.  I think I forgot what it was like to get a kiss from someone you had feelings for, or to embrace someone... (ewww, two guys kissing... its actually pretty sexy, im not going to lie to you)

I guess I forget sometimes that as I have grown up, so have they but it still scares me.  I've talked to virtually all my friends about what they think I should do, and the consensus is the same, tell them, but its just one of those things that is easier said than done, and in actuality at I would be twenty seven years old telling my parents Im dating someone, for the first time. 

Given all I've been through, you'd think something like this would be a walk in the park... I just need to grow a pair apparently!

Thats in Cleveland right?

Im taking the guy I have been seeing to Cedar Point this weekend, which I might add, I am pretty excited about. He was a trooper and said he'd go to Kings Island a few weeks ago, so I figured that gives me free reign to drag him to any amusement park I see fit. I know we'll have a good time, and I'm really looking forward to getting to spend more time with him.

Excuse me, do I know you?

I come across some strange questions from people from time to time. I think naturally everyone is a little inquisitive when it comes to a topic they aren't all that familiar with, and as my life is more often than not - an open book, I generally don't mind answering peoples questions. So, for fun, I'll list a few (and their respective answers)

Do you have a port?

No, I do not. I receive all my chemotherapy through peripheral IV access.

Are you afraid of needles?

When I was little, petrified. Since all this has started, you sort of get numb to to the whole needle sticks, although those biopsy needles are a bitch. Its like being stabbed with a garden hose.

Has your hair fallen out?

Yes, three times. It comes out in big clumps.

Did your hair grow back a different color or texture, I heard that happens?

Not really, and the day my hair grows back red curls, I'll be getting a weave. It is a little thinner, but if you know me, I had really thick hair.

How much weight have you lost?

Seventy pounds

I heard your urine turns a funny color - is that true?

Yes, its actually neon orange for a few days.

I heard they have interesting nicknames for chemo - does yours have any?

The chemo Im on now, Taxol, does not. Doxirubricin, my former chemo was called "The Red Death"

Do you take a lot of pills?

Between 8-12 a day... just depending on the day.

Do you get sick easily?

I could...

And herein lies the topic of tonights Dancing in the Rain...

I had a lot of questions when I first started chemo, most of which couldn't be answered because they were forward looking questions about how I would react to treatment and the truth is, everyone is different. The one question I know I asked was "Since chemotherapy destroys white blood cells, and your immune system, will I be at risk to get sick easier." The answer was a simple "yes".

I take prophylaxis medications every day to help my body fight off things that, say you or any other 'normal' person, would be able to fight without thinking twice about. The truth of the matter is, a cold could kill me. So I was warned rather frankly, to be careful who Im around, and to know they aren't sick because I would be putting myself at an undue risk.

My life, up to that moment had been surrounded by thousands upon thousands of people I dont know. From teaching band and color guard and attending competitions, going to sporting events, my vacations to florida and other random amusement parks and more importantly - work. As part of the management staff at The Beach, I was constantly interacting with guests and staff members alike, and its not like the same guests come to the park each day. I guess the point is, I had been subjecting myself to who knows how many illnesses while I was undiagnosed. Im sure this didn't help the cause any either!

So after my diagnosis and having been informed I needed to watch where I go, I almost became a recluse. In that, I was petrified to leave my house because of the fear I was going to come across someone who had a cold, the flu or some other random illness that I would catch, not be able to fight off, and then die. Week after week after week I would stay in my house because I felt it was the only safe place I could be. (My family, after my diagnosis all were finishing any incomplete vaccinations for illnesses I would be most inclined to get.)

The first few times I left the house I was afraid to speak to people, afraid to even get close to them let alone look them in the face. It was when I had to go to Job and Family Services in downtown that I had my meltdown. Thanks to the hospital I was at, I didn't have to go through all the initial paperwork, I just had to meet my caseworker to verify my information and sign some papers. I walked into this building and if every homeless person in Dayton wasn't in the building, they were standing outside next to the fire in the garbage can or doing a drug deal in the parking lot. Not to mention the clientele of JFS isn't exactly what you would consider the most educated, or the most worldly. Don't get me wrong, there are definitely those that were "haves" that have fallen on rough times and become "have nots"... but it seemed to me like most of the people there, were abusing the system and nothing more than (forgive me) derelicts of society.

I had to wade through all these people and, to be frank... I don't know Shaquanda, and I certainly don't know her 14 children she has on leashes attached to her hand with freshly painted Lee press on nails. Nor do I know what these kids might be carrying, I mean illness, not like packing heat... Although, it wouldn't surprise me - bust a cap in me, then cough on me... its a lose lose for ole' Ryan.

As soon as I saw this, I had to leave. I couldn't put myself at that kind of risk, right?

I went home, and sat and thought about how I was going to handle this situation and get to the meeting I needed to attend to start my benefits. The more I thought about it, I felt like what a pain it was that I had to change how I was living my life. It was then that I decided even though I was sick, I was going to live my life normally.

I don't believe in pity parties. I don't believe in sympathy. Things happen, and how you deal with those situations determines your quality of life. If you get bogged down every time life throws you a curve ball, when do you have time to live life?

Its funny to read the news update on Facebook, and how many people have these status updates that allude to how their day couldn't get any worse and how they have it pretty bad. Not being able to find your car keys is definitely a reason to look into physician assisted suicide in my book... But seriously, I find myself reading these updates and thinking - "is it really that big a deal to get so bent out shape over?"

People ask me, "how do you handle your diagnosis" - my answer is always the same "I've taken it in stride and with a side of humor". I won't lie, I have had some very serious, very scary, life threatening times so far in my journey with cancer, but I know there are so many more people that are more worse off than I am. I figure, if there is a higher power, I've been afforded a second, and even a third chance at life and I'm not about to waste it with self deprecating behaviors. Things happen... move on.

I ended up going back to the Job and Family Services office later in the week, filled out my paper work and went home and much to my surprise, I didn't die from a cold or a shooting. Ive been to Kings Island, Cedar Point, Lake Cumberland, the mall - lots of places and have been fortunate enough to not get sick. Don't get me wrong, if I do see an ill person I generally steer clear of them, but I have been extremely fortunate, no doubt.

How much happier would your life be if you decided to not let the curve balls life throws your way make your happiness waver? What would happen if you just took it in stride, addressed it, and moved on?

I saw this quote from Dr. Seuss today that inspired my little blog tonight, and it's certainly worth sharing...

Dont cry because its over. Smile because it happened.