Its what you make of it...

When I first got sick I had so much running through my head I could, at times, hardly process it all.  Those first few weeks were really hard to deal with - watching my job which I had worked so hard to get and worked so hard at.  I loved going to work everyday because the people I was working with were so incredible.  Certainly there were days when I was stressed out trying to get reports done, proposals drawn up, dealing with guest complaints etc.  but be that as it may, I never was able to go a day at The Beach without laughing.   An extra blessing for me, was being able to work with my best friend, who in herself makes me laugh all the time.

So here was this job that I valued and quite literally overnight it was gone and though I held on to the hope I'd be able to return for months and months, I know now it won't happen.  So even though I don't have that opportunity any longer I decided I would take something from it and never let it go and that is the happiness.

I quickly realized I had two options going forward with my diagnosis...

1. Wallow in self pity, become angry at the world for dealing me a crappy hand  and being miserable

or

2. Take stock of what I had to be grateful for, and remind myself daily that I am so lucky to be here just one more day.  Yet most importantly, to never have a pity party - not for me or for anyone else.

To me it was a no brainer, I couldn't be anything but happy.  I think if we are being honest, there are definitely people who are undergoing the treatment plans I am subjected to and chose option 1.   To me, it never made any sense why you would want to spend what time you had left wanting people, including ones self to feel bad for them.

So that was it, I decided to pick my self up by the bootstraps and live life to the fullest, do as much as I physically could and most importantly, be happy doing it.   I can tell you, while there have been rare moments in the past 3 years when I have had bad news that motivated tears because I was scared, I've been happy and in truth, it has been life changing.

To stop sweating the small things was a cathartic experience for me.  It put into perspective what was truly important.

I consider myself to be extremely lucky to be surrounded by people who are always upbeat, full of life and energy, grateful for what they have both tangible and intangible and they realize they have to be happy because all it takes is a quick drive around town to see people so less fortunate than them.   Maybe this makes me a snob by saying this, but I think Im to the point now where I will only surround myself with people who share the same feelings I do.

I can't be around dissention, bickering, fighting, negativity, pity or whatever else fits into this category because it detracts from the focus of my life - to live happily.   I do feel bad for people who do constantly fit into this category because I feel like, in truth, they are missing out on life, just wasting time and effort when they could choose the alternative...

I was telling a friend the other day that one of my biggest fears would be getting into an argument with a friend and then the next day having that friend die.   I dont know how I could live with myself knowing the last words I ever said to someone were words of anger because I would never have the opportunity to take it back.   Obviously if you saw my last blog entry you know my friend Andrew passed away completely unexpectedly and it really shook me up.  The more I thought about my friendship with Andrew, the conversations we had,  dinners and lunches,  nights sitting in the hospital chatting away - there was a common thread - we never had a argument let alone a disagreement.  Though Andrew left this world too early, I know he left it having not said a negative thing about any of his friends or family.  When the day comes for me to leave, I know I'll be able to say the same thing.

Life is what you make of it, and Im making mine a joyous experience...

Can the same be said for you ?

I had that feeling...

I was so tired today...  I took Jake to school this morning after waking him up around 6:45 to get a shower, and after getting home for some reason I just wasn't able to fall back asleep, so I spent the day awake.   I crawled into bed around 10:45 tonight and slipped off to sleep.  For some reason I woke up with this sinking feeling in my stomach around 1:30 and just couldn't shake it.  So after chalking it up to being really tired and my pills kicking in I opened up my computer and got on facebook to check a notification I had.

I was making arrangements with Donna to potentially come visit her the weekend after next and with that in mind decided I would hop on over to my friend Andrews facebook to see if he would like to meet up for a late lunch early dinner on either day I come home or go up to Cleveland.

I met Andrew about two years ago while I was an inpatient at The James the second time.  My family didn't stay as late into the evening as they did before so I spent many nights alone and bored.  Andrew was an a friend I had only met once prior to me being at The James, but regardless we were both computer dorks so we kept in touch.  When I told him I was in columbus as an inpatient he offered many nights to come bring me dinner and sit with me and hang out to keep me company.

Andrew would make me feel like my closest friends would... normal.  I knew I looked awful, and he couldn't have cared less what my physical appearance was.  He never probed any questions about my health, but if I talked about it, he listened.   It was then I knew he was a real worth while friend and we had kept in contact, having the occasional lunch / dinner in Columbus and chatting online about our nerdy topics regularly.

Then I got online tonight... before I could even begin to write my note to him on his wall, my jaw hit the ground, my pulse began to race and my eyes started to fill, uncontrollably, with tears.

Andrew had passed away earlier this evening in his apartment, from what is thought to be natural causes, without anyone with him.


I am so surprised this happened, and Im saddened.  Im sad he is gone and sad for his family and friends.  More so I am sad that such a kind soul is gone too soon, sad that such a bright smile that was always on display is gone, sad that a gentle voice has been silenced.

No one knows when their time will come to leave and it has always been my fervent belief that because of this you should always live like today is your last, to have no hate in your heart, and to have no regrets.   I know when Andrew took his last breath tonight he didn't have any anger in his heart or any regrets on his mind.

It is in moments like these, that solidify why I live my life the way I do.  I don't have any regrets or any anger, nor do I ever want any.  I've certainly had my chances, even as of late, to be bitter, pick petty fights and argue... but I can't.   You don't have to love me, you don't have to like me and to be honest you don't even have to acknowledge me... but life is too finite for me to do anything but love you for who you are, faults and all.  I think we'd all live happier lives if we could just accept a mindset of that nature.

All that negativity does one thing, and it is to distract you from living your life as happily as you can.   I can think of no bigger regret than to pass away having said something hurtful, done something hurtful or not telling someone how much they really mean to me.  If Andrews death means anything to me personally, it is that I should be grateful for where I am and who I am here with.  Im surrounded by people who care about me and love me, sadly I lost one of those people today.

The world lost a kind and gentle soul today, a soul who truly knew and embraced how to dance in the rain, and though he isn't here to talk to anymore he'll always have a special place in my heart.

So here's to you Andrew, dance away...

Glad I could be here...

Today is your birthday...

When I first met you I really only knew your name.  Who knew over the course of so many years we would turn into friends, best friends, a inseparable pair, a dynamic duo and most importantly, family. 

I don't know what my life would be without you.  You've shown me more about myself and what I am capable of than I thought I knew.  You've given me courage when I was scared, you've backed my decisions when you questioned them, you have laughed at my jokes even when they aren't funny.  You traveled with me wherever I chose even if you could not afford it, you adopted my family as yours,  you held my hand when I wasn't strong.  You have given me balance both physically and mentally when I was weak, you wiped my tears when I couldn't,  you have made certain I always feel normal.  You have loved me when I didn't love myself.

I wish everyone knew you as I did - to see you for the selfless and humble person you are.  You are beautiful inside and out.  You have the biggest heart of anyone I know and you are everything I want and everything I need and lucky for me, I never have to worry about being alone because I know you'll always be by my side.

Even though our lives have changed and we are finding our own place in the world I know that when the tears fall or the smiles spread across our faces, we'll come to each other because no matter where this crazy world takes us, nothing will ever change so much much to the point where we're not still friends. 

So here's to you, Here's to me, 

... Friends may we always be.

But, if by chance we disagree, 

Up yours! Here's to me!

I love you...

Happy Birthday