Salida

I wish I could tell you what chemotherapy cycle I will be starting tomorrow, but I seem to have lost count.  Be that as it may, tomorrow is a special treatment for me and it marks the end of part of my journey.  Tomorrow will be the last time I go to Grandview Hospital for chemotherapy and it is bittersweet and in some regards scary at the same time. 

GVH participates in this patient satisfaction surveys which are run by this company Press Ganey.  I never used to pay attention to the survey when it would come in the mail before I got sick because I felt like no one read them, when in reality I knew how the hospital valued the patient feedback from them because my mother was the nurse manager at Southview for 10 years. 

Its no secret the sense of appreciation I have for the people involved directly and indirectly with my care runs, for lack of a better word, deep.  As such, the least I could do was to fill out the Press Ganey and return it to show the hospital management the staff was doing more than required of them.  

As time has progressed though, the Press Ganey's seem so insignificant with the volume of care I have received and I don't mean just physical care either.  I would be remiss to not mention a majority of my caregivers know my mother in some capacity or have gotten to know me from my repeated and lengthy visits.  Regardless of that, the kindness and compassion I have been shown is second to none. 

I can remember the second time I was admitted to GVH for a lengthy period of time, I was bouncing around the 4th floor - MACU, MICU, SICU the whole lot.  Anyway, the first night I was on 4 I remember being in my room and starting to doze off (while watching a rerun of MASH because I'm cool) and I slept for an hour or so and woke up.  Courtesy of all the drugs I was on, I had no idea where I was and I just started crying uncontrollably and writhing around in my bed because I was so scared.   My nurse came in, who I knew previously, but didn't recognize at all and she sat with me and calmed me down all while holding my hand until I caught my breath.   She stayed with me that night while I slept because I woke up several times and she was there to calm me before I 'erupted' again.  

For the next five nights, I was so petrified to go to sleep because I knew I would wake up and be frightened so this nurse and one other with whom she had spoken to, would sit with me for a majority of the night just in case I were to wake up. 

That kind of care doesn't just happen everyday. 

But it is par for the course at Grandview and Southview.  Those two hospitals are full of angels.  The selflessness exuded by the staff goes so far beyond a Press Ganey. 

The nurses who cared for me might not remember me and that is okay, because I remember them - maybe not all by name, but I remember their actions and they won't soon be forgotten.  

I've often said, of Dr. Nanda specifically but also includes the hospital staff, I don't know what the feeling of saving someone's life is like.  I don't know what the feeling of saving that person's life multiple times is like.  But, I do know what it feels like to have been saved in every way you can be and it was and has continued to be a life changing event.  Like the song from Wicked says:

                "...because I knew you, I have been changed for good..."

And it is, without a doubt, the truth.  So tomorrow when I finish my chemotherapy I leave knowing I have received the best care I could have ever received, and without the people inside the building at 405 W. Grand Ave, I wouldn't be here today.   As I transition to the main office at Kettering Hospital, I'll be reunited with Kim, my former chemotherapy nurse who moved to KMC a few months ago - so I know I'll be in good hands.  But just like the first day of grade school, high school or even college - I know I'll have a little apprehension because its foreign.  And even though Kim will be there to greet me as well as Dr. Nanda - It'll be hard for me to replace the great people at GVH with the people at KMC.

So lets fire up that needle one more time!!!

That mean, mean, mean green...

This will be brief... 

I was in the store tonight, and I happened to be following the same route as this woman and her two children.  She was probably 30, and she had what appeared to be a 2-3 year old, and a 7-8 year old.  As we weaved up and down a few aisles I couldn't help but hear her on her cell phone.  I hear her say to the person on the other line "yeah, I just got paid today and I probably don't need all this stuff but I'll deal with my bills later - it's not like they aren't already late!" 

I really couldn't believe what I was hearing. 

Don't fool yourself either, this woman, nor her children were 'trashy' in any way.  They looked like a normal family, nice outfits, hair done and talking on her iPhone no less. 

I looked in her cart and it was just stuffed with everything under the sun - from movies, to name brand foods, toys and outrageous amounts of school supplies. 

It boggled my mind...  I don't know when it became fashionable to not pay your bills so you can go out and buy stuff you don't need.   People who let money burn a hole in their pockets need a big lesson in fiscal responsibility. 

How someone could not pay their bills and then go out and buy a bunch of stuff they don't need is beyond me.  If you absolutely need something, fine - then get it, but if it can wait in the slightest, then it can wait until you've got your feet planted a little more firmly underneath you...  I guess maybe its because Im watching a few friends struggle financially that this really pisses me off.  

I hope that twit gets a hard dose of reality...

And... exhale...

What I learned from my sister...

Without a doubt, there are those reading the headline and thinking -

"He learned something from his sister? Wow!"

But it is true - I have.

I know over the past few entries I have made mention of the 'Things I Know to be True' and this entry will be no different.  My personal experience in life has helped me draw the conclusion that there are those who will not change there ways until something really bad happens to them and forces them, because of no other option, to change the way the have acted or behaved.  Keep in mind I don't mean something to hurt them, but more a radical life changing event.  My sister is one of those people. 

Maybe by the time she discovers this entry and sees it her life will have taken a dramatically different turn for the better.   My sister though, is, at the time of this entry 24 years old - older than the person I am  currently dating I might add by 18 months - and her behavior could be described by some, as that of an early teenager.   To her friends, she is warm and inviting, full of spunk and personality.  A person who is loyal, full of compassion and would overextend herself to help a friend in need.  A striking departure for how her family would describe her.   Selfish, dishonest, conniving, hurtful, hateful, ungrateful and plain mean would be only the simplest words to attribute the behavior.  She is a constant victim, family members walk on eggshells as to not anger her.  When upset, she will immediately raise her voice if not scream at the other party and then leave the location of the dispute and not return home for hours if not a day or two.   She is the consummate victim, wants to be responsible to no one, especially her family/parents.   She is barely a member of our family and as sad as it is to say this - I know my sister very little. 

I have watched for well over a decade and wondered when she would grow out of this 'phase' but that 'phase' has morphed into a lifestyle.  In honesty there have been many times where I have viewed my immediate family as a unit of three people.  

When I first got sick and was an inpatient, and the subsequent times I relapsed and was either an inpatient or at home and unable to care for myself, she became a member of the family again.  But it was only for a fleeting moment it seems because as soon as I regained my health and/or strength she stepped out of my life and my family's lives again.   The summation of these few paragraphs would be:  The relationship between myself, my mother and father and that of my sister is strained to the point of near break.  

One of the luxuries of being sick is that it gives you a very unique outlook on life, it makes you respect every week, every day, every hour - every moment you have, because in truth, this moment could be my last.  It isn't a morbid statement at all, its a fact of life for everyone, and to me it was liberating and moreover, life changing.   I started to look at things with a new set of eyes, examine how I treated people and how I acted and was able to make a conscious choice to better myself.  I wasn't ever a complete and total dick to anyone, but I think it would be fair to say I had been selfish, opinionated and sometimes manipulative to try to get myself further in work, at school, in personal situations.  

What motivated this choice to change?

The long and short of it is - the very first night I was ever in the hospital, December 2, 2008 - my doctors told my mother I probably wouldn't make it through the night.   I had no idea this conversation had happened, and to be honest, had I known, I probably wouldn't have understood it fully anyway.   I didn't even arrive at Southview until probably 4:30 and I had only had my diagnosis a few hours before I was in the ICU.  I was scared, I was angry and I was embarrassed that I had let myself deteriorate while lying to myself and my family and closest friends.  The room I was in couldn't contain all the emotions I was feeling and the thoughts I was having.   I so desperately wanted to be alone that first night, alone with my thoughts, alone with my tears and alone with the unknown.  That wasn't quite what materialized for me though, my mom stayed with me the whole night sitting in a chair beside me, dozing off just occasionally.  Not knowing that she had been told the reality of my prognosis, I asked her to leave several times and after she told me she wasn't leaving, I opened up what I like to refer to as my expanded vocabulary selections and let it fly.  She was on the receiving end of some truly mean and hateful statements but - she stayed by my side.  I can honestly remember waking up in the middle of the night and remember glancing over at her, nodded off in the chair with the dried tears still marking her face, and still holding my hand.  She didn't let go until the next morning. 

It wasn't until several weeks later when everything came to light and she shared with me that Dr. Reid had told her he didn't think my lungs would support me through the night that it all made sense to me and when it did, it was a radical life changing event. 

My mother was staying with her son so he wouldn't die alone. 

It was a powerful message for me to digest and the lesson learned was a great one.  I quickly realized the severity of my situation and realized how fragile and what a gift my life and life in general is.  More importantly, I looked back over the first two weeks I spent in the hospital and l started to remember the instances where I was so overwhelmed that I became angry for no reason like the first night with my mom, or when I had the gaul to yell at Lauren for bringing me soup while I was at Grandview.  I realized that the pain I was in was a pittance compared to the people who were watching.  They too were hurt by my illness and now I was also hurting them and that wasn't fair.  Then the biggest realization of all occurred and the primary reason why I changed...

What if this moment were my very last moment and these were the very last words I ever spoke to someone?

Not only would I never have the opportunity to take back the mean words, but the people who I left behind would be left knowing the last conversation we ever had was one where I was angry, or yelling at them.  I don't know what exactly that would feel like, but I know I want the people I love to have only happy memories of me smiling or telling a filthy joke.  I couldn't knowingly do that to the people who cared about me so much, the people who stayed strong for me because I couldn't stay strong for myself.  In that 'ah ha moment' I realized there wasn't any reason to be angry or say hurtful and hateful things.  To live happily and gratefully could be one of the best gifts I could ever give myself and to those I love. 

So what does this have to do with my sister and what she has taught me. 

She taught me I made the right choice in choosing to live my best life.   I love my sister, and I write this entry not because I am mad at her, or because I think she is a bad person but because I know she is capable of change and will change.  There will be a day, and I know it is in the not to distant future where she will realize she has been unfair to the people who have loved and continue to love her the most.  She will see the err of her ways and she will be embarrassed by them but she will be at a new place in life where the mistakes of the past will not repeat themselves.