Being strong enough to look past the sad...

Do you ever stop and think about what an amazing journey life is?

Stop to think about all the amazing, and courageous people you meet along the way?

Ever stop to reflect on how a person truly shaped your view on the world?

Who helped you become you?

I've had a lot of time these past three years to think about all the people in my life who have directly and indirectly affected me and shaped me into the person I am today.  I wish I could take all the credit for knowing how to make a totally awesome person, but if I did - I would have copyrighted that bad boy and wrote the manual.   Its safe to say though, there are so many people who do huge things, small things and nothing at all that shape who "we" are. 

I've had to dig pretty deep at times over the past three years to keep myself together at times and it isn't easy fighting back tears and anger.  You can't appreciate how insurmountable odds stacked against you can motivate you to not even want to get out of bed in the morning until you've been told things like "you probably won't make it" - "we only have two options left, and one of those is comfort care" - "it wouldn't be fair to him to repeat this procedure should it fail"  and of course the worst of all, as I like to call it "the countdown"... (like im a space shuttle or something?)

I don't know many people personally fighting cancer, as a matter of fact - for all the time I've spent at The James,  I didn't meet any surprisingly... but I do know one and one was enough for me to have a life changing - or as Oprah would call it "AH HA" moment.  It wasn't cancer that brought us together either, it was a mutual appreciation and love for performing arts.  The person I'm talking about was one of my high school band directors who I subsequently found out shortly after I left, was diagnosed with a, let us say ruthless, sarcoma. 

It wasn't until after I was diagnosed that I reached out to her to talk - mainly because I was scared, and I felt like I was going through this journey alone with no one who could really relate.   Watching my body waste away, my veins shrivel up, my appetite gone and my hair fall out made me feel so isolated I might as well have been on the moon.   You can only hear "it's going to be okay" from those who love you so much, before it just becomes words... 

Enter Stephanie... 

The conversations we've had and the nights I've spent reading her blog entries put my own situation into perspective... 

I could boil everything down into one simple word that you'll read right over but thats too simple - "pain" is cheating her journey. The surgeries, procedures, biopsies, chemotherapy, radiation and nausea alone with the massive emotional strain on her family/personal life, plus the financial sacrifices she, her husband and family have made, etc... is on a scale (you) I simply couldn't begin to comprehend...  - and yet here I am sitting across from this woman who I equate to as The strongest person I have ever known (capital letter used correctly) and seeing her smile and just being grateful to be here in the moment with me was life changing. 

I knew, from that moment on,  I had only one mission on this journey - the same as hers... 

To do what needed to be done, and use whatever means necessary to get to the finish line. 

There are no excuses, no pity parties, no 'why me's', no simpathy - only fight.  (while wearing a smile all the while)

I write this tonight, at 1:40am because I know, in a different time zone from and state from me, Stephanie s strength is being tested, maybe more than ever before.   She probably doesn't even know she single-handedly showed me I can and will be strong,  I can and will fight like hell and of course never - ever give up. 

... and now it is my turn to return the favor. 

What I can't stand more than bad things happening to good people, are bad things happening to amazing people.   Stephanie is an amazing person and I am so lucky to know her.  I hope she knows I always think of her and even though I'm not an overtly religious person, I am praying for her and sending her all the love I can.

She is my hero.

They last a lifetime...

I love summer without a doubt... It has become my favorite season - and not for just my geriatric reasons like being able to breathe normally.  I love being outside all the time, I love the pool, my amusement parks are open,  and of course... trips to the lake!

Lake Cumberland is like my little slice of heaven.  The cabin is nestled away from the worries of everyday life and its almost as though time just stands still when you are there.  The running joke from everyone that lives and vacations there is "What time is it?"  ... "Uh... lake time?!".   You really have no where to be at no specific time.  This is the first year we purchased a slip for our boat at the big fancy shmancy marina, Wolf Creek Marina (WCM)... and it has made the lake even more awesome for me because now I can go down to the cabin and the boat is just sitting there waiting for me.  I love going there, but what I love even more is sharing the opportunity with my closest friends... 

Case in point... 

One of my closest friends, Emily, lives in Washington D.C. and as such we don't see each other as often as we'd like anymore.  She and I have grown up together, though two years older than I, we both went to the same grade school and high school and we really got close during band and guard.   She is a lot like me in some aspects and there are some aspects I wish I was more like her.   She has been a constant in my life since I've been sick, and I have been very lucky to be able to continue to call her my friend.   

In any event - about 5 or 6 years ago, Emily, Lauren, my friend Heather and I all carted off to the lake for a great weekend together... and that was the last time Emily had gone as she moved to D.C. shortly after she returned home.   I really wondered if she would ever be able to make another trip to the lake as she doesn't live in the mid-west anymore and to do so would require her to make a special trip out of it.  So I added this reunion idea to my 'bucket list' when I got sick and didn't really push it.   Through some kind of miracle, and that miracle being Emily's spontaneous attitude, she decided to fly home and come to the lake with me... A few phone calls later and I had a the reunion group scheduled to all meet in Jabez KY on the 22nd of July.  I was beyond excited. 

Its a very rare occasion when I can get my closest friends together because they have all started their lives and careers and for most of them, that means leaving Dayton.  I'm not trying to have a sob story or a pity party, its just a fact of life, and I know had I not gotten sick, I would have done the same.   But to have everyone here for these few days meant the world.  

To make a long story short - it was my favorite trip to the lake in 4 or 5 years and as an aside, made the most wonderful memories.   It was one of those vacations that was over in a hot second.  I do not like to live in the past and generally when I look at old photos or think about times gone by, I get a little choked up thinking about what once was and knowing I won't have that again.  But it is one of those "choked ups" that only lasts for a second because I realize how fortunate I am to have those memories and know that the people I shared the experience with also has those memories.  

So while vacation was over way too quickly, I realized I have a whole boat load full of new memories and experiences that not only I can look back on, but so can my friends. 

And... the truth is.... 

I miss my friends... a lot...

I would be remiss to say there aren't times when I feel very much alone in Dayton and rightfully so, virtually all my friends have moved away to start their family and/or careers.  It sounds selfish to say I want them to come home but its true.  Of course the reason I feel this way is because I know life happens, and people grow apart.   Im not naive enough to think we can all live in our high school days, but sometimes it's almost like thats what I want.  But the bigger fear, as ridiculous as this sounds, is the fear of being forgotten.  I know my friends very very well.  Im actually very lucky because I don't have a best friend and then friends, I have my best friends and fortunately for me I know they would never just forget about me but there are times when I will remember talking to them every day, or going out for drinks every weekend etc. and then compare it to today when I hear from some of them once a week, once every 2 weeks, once a month.   Then the whole forgotten thing takes a more narcissistic turn with the biggest fear - and that being the fear of being forgotten when Im gone.  

I would certainly hope my friends never forget about me once I am gone, because I think about them so very often and realize what kind of an impact they have had on my life, and the support they have given me and how my gratitude could never fully be displayed to them.    I used to get a little sad when I would think about this every so often and then I realized even after I'm gone, the memories that we have shared together will live on in my friends and family too of course.  But that is just like a little piece of me staying alive in them.  Knowing that, makes me feel better firstly, but secondly makes me want to create as many memories as possible with them so they have a library full of fantastic memories to share with whomever, be it their spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend, child, friend etc...

This might sound strange but the point of this blog entry is because of a dream I had long ago.  It was around the time I started worrying about being forgotten and how I wanted to be remembered.  It was right after I was diagnosed and had decided rather than throw pity parties for my self, I instead was going to make a concerted effort to live a better life, be grateful for everything and everyone I have in my life and see the good in people that I this dream... In the dream I've obviously been gone for a while and this child enters Laurens bedroom as she is laying in bed and the child says to Lauren "mommy who is this in all these pictures with you"... and Lauren sits up and pulls the child up onto her lap and grabs this photo of she and I and says "This was my best friend and he lived an amazing life and not only was I apart of it, I can tell you all the stories of our adventures" ... (or something to that effect)

I love making the memories with my friends... They are priceless to me and I know the feeling goes both ways and any opportunity I have to spend time with them is a blessing and I don't waste it.  Memories can't be lost, can't be stolen and can't break - they are the owners for life and can be accessed anytime!  I'm so lucky to have the friends I do because even though we are miles apart, and we don't see each other everyday I know I still matter to them, and I know if I miss them I can meet them in my memories and share a laugh and I know they can do the same with me forever...

To my friends...

I love you... always!