My Mothers Day

I consider myself blessed everyday of my life when I open my eyes for the first time.  I get one more chance to live one more day, what more could you ask for?  Im blessed to have a team of doctors that have saved my life more than once, I have a very close knit group of friends who have given me the support I needed to keep on my journey and thus saved my spirit.  And I also have a mother, father and sister that has never been closer to me and each other than they are now.   The funny thing is all the aforementioned - are my family.  If you ask me, defining a family as your parents and their children is extremely antiquated.  

But today happens to be Mother's Day.  

If you read the title of my blog today, you'll think Im a big R-tard for forgetting the apostrophe, but in fact, it was omitted intentionally, as it was meant in a plural form.  I consider myself to have 5 mothers... 

Let us begin... 

My mom... 27 years ago she agreed with my father to take this young infant boy from catholic social services and bring him into their home, to give him a chance at a better life than the one his biological mother could provide.  Her heart was so big and full of love, and still is to this day.  Obviously that little boy was me and I could never thank her enough for giving me the life she's provided me. She is the lady who loves me unconditionally despite the times I disappointed her.  The woman who showed me how strong she was by holding my hand when I found out my diagnosis and stayed strong for me because I couldn't stay strong for myself.  She is my rock, my foundation, my everything.  She worries about me more than I worry about myself, she sleeps across the hall to make sure if I ever need anything she'll only be a few steps away.  She has fought for my life more than I ever could have fought alone.  She is realistic in the real world, and how people work yet overly optimistic when it comes to my health.  She has given me the opportunity to see the US, and other countries and ensured that I never will do without.  I trust her with all my heart, because I know she wants the best for me.  I used to think my only regret would be that I could never pay her back for the kindness and compassion she's shown me but now I know I am paying her back by living my life, and being happy.

I remember vividly the day I was at Southview Hospital and they were running this extensive battery of tests and the results were slowly coming back and it looked like I wasn't going to make it through the night.  I was whisked away to the ICU hooked up to every machine possible and the doctors all came into talk to me and I differed them to my mom and essentially made her my power of attorney, which she has been ever since I might add) and I can remember the look on her face, of her processing all this information in a clinical way, but knowing it wasnt about just a patient, it was about her son and the information wasn't coming from a doctor she didn't know because all these nurses in this hospital used to work for my mother, they were her employees and she's been friends with all these doctors for a long time ... So I can remember seeing the difficulty in what they were saying to her in her eyes.   She came back into the room and all she said was

       "Ryan, your oxygen levels right now are very low.  I want to know if, at night it becomes to difficult for you to breathe - do you want them to put an airway in for you?" 

I looked at her with tears in my eyes, and I said "yes, but I don't wan't to suffer forever mom... you'll know when enough is enough?"  and she said...

     "You will never suffer, or feel any pain and I promise you one day very soon you are going to walk out here on your own two feet and you're going to start living again, and start smiling"

So by me living my life and her knowing I am the happiest I've been in my life, I know she is happy as well. 

My next mother is Donna Graham, my mothers best friend and my now Aunt.  She has been the guiding force in me choosing what I wanted to do with my life professionally and personally.  She has been there to always give me the support I needed to tell me I could be and would be anything I wanted to as long as I put my mind to it.  She, along with my mother, has ensured I get the chance to live fully.  Though extremely successful and the CFO of University Hospitals in Cleveland her schedule is so so tight and she barely has time to wipe her nose, yet she manages to always find time to let me come to Cleveland and spend time with her.  Shes been at every christmas, and every major family function since I was 12  and I can honestly say she instilled in me the principle of "you can be exactly who you are, and not be sorry about it".  But the most important thing she's done has befriended my mother, who unlike me, is not a social butterfly.  My mom and Donna are great pals and since my diagnosis Donna has been a great shoulder to cry on and reassurance to my mother that things are going to be okay... 

Next is Linda McMullen... I dont know if I've ever met a woman so genuinely full of love.   She welcomed me into her family when Lauren and I first started being the social butterflies we are.  She's watched me grow up the past ten years and has been a part of my life I couldnt live without.  She listens to me talk about my good days and my bad days, we've gone shopping together, go on vacation and spend the holidays together.  Linda has adopted as her own and cares about me just as much as she cares about her own kids.  I think it says a lot about a person and how much you mean to them when they visit you in the hospital repeatedly to always give you that extra little vote of confidence you might be lacking.   Linda has seen me in my good times, she's seen me in really bad times and never judged me once... She always greets me with a big hug and says good bye with an "i love you"... 

Coming up now is Marj Ruef... I can remember the day my parents found out I was gay, I ran over to Megans house crying and stayed there until her mom got home from work.  Marj being the comforting person she is, was reassuring me they would come around and to just give it time.  We've had our ups and downs, as I've definitely contributed to the delinquency of her daughter in high school on occasion but as all teenagers do, they grow up and the same can be said for me.  Not a time goes by when I don't see Marj and she will ask how Im doing and how Im feeling and always is offering to watch Jacob should I not be feeling up to it.  As with Linda, Marj has made several visits to see me in the hospital and I guess Im probably to stoned to ever tell them how appreciative I am of them taking time out of their schedule to see me, but they do.  Marj and I also have one other little thing in common... We are camels... we could literally go through 6 or 7 beverages per meal.  The woman is a walking water tower!  

Lastly... is , as in my biological mother.  Theres lots to be said about this and maybe I'll write a blog about it one day but I don't know this woman personally but I do know some of her traits.  I know she was brave - brave enough to carry a child for 9 months, give birth to him and then immediately give him away.  I dont know what that would feel like, but I know on some level it had to be painful.  I know her heart is full of love, because she loved me so much without even really meeting me ever to know that she couldnt provide the life I deserved, and so she gave me up to a couple that could love me and provide the life her baby deserved knowing she would never see me again.  And I also know... she was a hairstylist... (there has to be some irony in that???? maybe all the gay guys she worked around rubbed off on the poor fetus)  and no im not kidding, i found it in my info packet from catholic social services ;-) 

So those are my mothers... They are awesome, and Im really fortunate to have all of them grace my life...

Mothers love is peace,

 it need not be acquired, 

it need not be deserved

 - Erich Fromm 

Things I know to be true...

So... It's been a while since my last blog post... And without going into too much detail, things happen for reasons and I truly believe we grow from those we surround ourselves with.   Things have been really weird for me since Andrew died.  It has definitely put my own mortality into perspective but not only that, but it reaffirmed why I need to be thankful for every single moment of every day.  Rain or shine, hot or cold - Im here, and its a blessing.  I realized that I am who I am, and most importantly - Im totally content with the person I've become.  I have grown up a lot in my twenty-seven years, and in the past three of them, Ive grown into a mature adult.  Its a shame that being sick is what had to force me into that adult mentality but I have no doubt I would have arrived here at some point or another.

You know... Oprah writes at the end of her magazine every month this article entitled "Things I know for sure".  I thought it was interesting to read her take on what she knows for sure, most of them are positive reaffirming life stances and values that we all should share.  So I started reflecting over the things I knew for sure...

One thing I know for sure, is never change yourself for someone else.  Be yourself, and be so unapologetically... To do so is the only way to be true to yourself.

Another thing I know, don't let anyone tell you what you can and cannot do.  Giving up your freedoms makes you 'less' than the person demanding you change.  You are an equal, and most cases better than the person making the demands...

One other thing I know... Anyone who fights with you, argues with you and overall makes you feel sad... is probably someone you should move yourself away from because distance is the only way to ensure the negativity they spew stays away from your happiness.

You live you learn I suppose, and those are a few things I've learned the past few months, and that I know for sure.  I would hate to sacrifice any of the things I know and then not have the opportunity to live another day... That would be a bigger regret than sacrificing what I know to be true.