Not alone...

I have this friend, one of the closest.  He's been a brother to me...

He's hurting right now, and I feel like I'm a world away unable to help him, even in words.

He feels alone, like no one will understand.

He is turning against the ones he loves the most, because of a fear of rejection.

He is fragile, weak and easily influenced but still completely loyal to a fault.

He is ripe to be taken advantage of.

He has lost his way and cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel, nor see those that care about him most, reaching their hand out to him.

He is making dangerous decisions which could affect his life forever.

He is hurting the people who love him without even realizing it.

He is breaking my heart.

... but through everything he is going through, I can promise him this...

He might not love himself right now, and that's okay because the people in his life that matter most, myself included, have never stopped loving him.   The sadness, the despair and loneliness will fade with time and one day he will again smile with ease.  Physical possessions don't matter, because the love of your family and closest friends makes you the wealthiest person because a true love, one coming from a compassionate heart, the kind of heart I know beats in his chest, is priceless.   We are the ones he can trust, we will hold his hand to give him strength, we will wipe the tears from his eyes, we will help him rediscover himself and we will be there to remind him he always has and always will matter.  He deserves to be happy...

Take the bitterness and anger and set it aside, look at where you are and remember this...

You deserve better...

Eastward HO!

Summer 2011 @ Lake Cumberland

Several months ago, as I wrote on my blog, I had the pleasure of taking, essentially, all my friends to my cabin at Lake Cumberland.   One of those trips involved Lauren, Paul, Beckey, Sarah and Emily.  Emily Shope is one of my dearest and closest friends, one who has been so kind to both me and my family over the years and like my other two best friends, she also went to grade and high school with me.  She has on so many occasions come home to visit her family and of course me, in and out of the hospital for that matter.  She has the distinct privilege of being the only memory I have from being intubated and sedated - a mental snapshot of her standing over me, crying... what a memory right?

The White House

In any event, Emily Shope, or Shope as I'll be calling her, has made countless trips to Ohio since she has relocated her life to Washington D.C. which has been at least 8 years ago.  She and I have talked on the phone, emailed, facebooked, visited in person when she was in town and vacationed regularly together.  We've never lost touch, and she's definitely been one of those people I can really, truly count on.   While she may be a crazy republican, she and I are so very similar in our thoughts, our morals and values and our opinions.  She's a person I could not agree with on a political issue, but have an adult discussion about my opinion and we can agree to disagree but leave gaining a knowledge and appreciation of 'what the other side thinks, and why they think it'. Empty opinions are not something she is capable of having.  

Most importantly, out of all the people I've had the privilege to meet in my life, and have in my life she is one of a very select few who not only do I respect, but I admire. 

Capitol Tour w/ headset 

So with that said, I asked her earlier in the summer if she wanted to come to this lake trip since she had not been down to the cabin in a great long while, to which, as is her way, she impulsively said "of course" .  Within a matter of a day or two she had booked her ticket and made it to Kentucky and we all shared a fantastic long weekend.  When Shope left to go back to D.C. I kept getting this constant feeling of guilt that I just couldn't shake, and Im glad I couldn't.  I felt guilty because here she is, making trip after trip after trip to Ohio to visit her family and friends and I'd never once been to her home in D.C. though I'd been telling her I wanted to come for a long time.  This made me feel like an awful friend, especially given the fact she has made special trips to see me in the hospital even if to just spend a few minutes with me and give me a reassuring hug.  Because of all this - I said to her on a follow up phone call that I knew I had been a bad friend for not visiting, but it was about to change.  I told her to pick the best weekend for her as soon as she wanted and I would be there - regardless.  So, after a  little calendar flipping, she decided that Presidents day would be the weekend I came.  So I went and got the plane ticket and made it happen!

WWII Memorial

My trip to D.C. was so much fun.  It was filled with a lot of walking folks, lets not get that confused for one second, but thats for a little later.  Emily is the consummate tour guide, knowing all the hottest spots.  We toured in no particular order - The American History Museum, National Air and Space Museum (which, btw, doesn't hold a candle to the Dayton museum), WWII memorial, (looked at) Washington Memorial, Library of Congress, National Archive, Jefferson Memorial, Lincoln Memorial, Holocaust Museum, National Arboretum, Pentagon Memorial, MLK Memorial, Arlington National Cemetery, Mt. Vernon, Rosevelt Memorial, The White House, and The Capitol to name a few.  We also visited Dupont Circle, and Eastern Market and other parts of town you don't typically see on a sightseeing tour.  She humored me and we went to Kings Island, and thanks to Megans Platinum Pass, Shope didn't have to pay to get in.  I also got to hear her community band practice which was really nice too since I hadn't seen her play in a long time.  

Pentagon Memorial

With everything we saw, and all the time walking to 99% of the locations, we walked, according to my pedometer, the entire time I was there, 112,697 steps totaling 52.245 miles, and keep in mind most of that walking was done over the course of 4 days.  Holy Moly were my legs hurting by the end of the week!   But it was so worth it!  Washington is beautiful this time of year, it really is, and the weather is just perfect, because there is no way I could handle the scorching heat of summer with my dainty lungs. 

So taking into account everything we did, places, people, things... 

What was the best part of the trip?

...Shope was...

Arlington National Cemetery

She was telling me, the day before I left, that she was starting to get her "end of vacation depression" and I laughed with her and told her to brush it off, that it would fade away soon!  Truthfully though, I didn't want to admit it at the time, but apparently am about to now, I was having a cornucopia of feelings all week, especially at the end, because I knew saying goodbye again was on the horizon.  I admire her, and I respect her and I often question why she doesn't give herself more credit for her success, as I often wish to be as successful as she.  I know she loves D.C., loves her friends, the opportunities D.C. presents and has to offer, she's got a boyfriend whom she cares about immensely - her life is there now... And for purely selfish reasons I hate that she is far away from me.  I hate that I can't pick up the phone and say 'wanna go have a drink', or 'wanna go see a movie tonight'.  I hate that she can't come over and lay out, under 50 layers of sunscreen, at the pool and drink beers all day with me and chit chat about whats going on in life.  I hate that I can't just give her a hug anytime I want.  With that said, I wouldn't trade the relationship we have now for anything, I'm lucky to be able to Facebook her, or email her or even archaically call her.  But that doesn't change the fact that I miss her.  

Mt Vernon

A friend asked me when I got back how the trip was, and I told them how fantastic it was and how wonderful it was to see everything and meet her friends that I'd heard so much about.  This friend said 'that city has so much to do obviously you couldn't see anything, do you regret not seeing something' and I said in response 'my only regret, is that I didn't make this trip happen a long time ago'.  And it is so true, I don't have an explanation as to why I didn't go, but I just didn't and I regret it.  I can tell you that I will be back to visit, sooner rather than later and I know I'll enjoy the next trip just as much as this first trip.   Maybe next time I can go to the Naval Academy and land me a hottie patottie sailor - after all Don't Ask Don't Tell is gone so - "come out, come out wherever you are boys"... I jest. 

What I know for sure is this... I am lucky to have Shope be one of my closest friends and confidants, and because I know her I am a better person. 

So to her I say:  "Thanks for having me and don't ever forget, I love you...

     

Wishes do come true!

So I must preface this entry by saying, I have been a bad blog buddy by not posting my birthday entry sooner, but alas 16 days late is better than never, no?


So here we go...

I celebrated my 28th birthday a few weeks ago on October 1st by going to Cleveland to visit my moms best friend, and someone I consider a second mother, Donna.   The days leading up to my birthday I was excited because I had finally made arrangements to skydive, in Cleveland, though Lauren wasn't too happy with this idea (nor was her mother), I assured her it was totally safe and people barely ever die skydiving!Sadly, the weather would not cooperate and my trip straight down at 120 miles per hour from 12,500 feet was cancelled.  All was not lost, several shopping stops later and I had a nice new fall wardrobe picked out and even better, was able to spend some quality time without distractions with both Donna and Lauren.  


It was hard for me, on this birthday, to not think back to three years ago when I was getting ready to celebrate my 25th birthday.  I never ever could have imagined that year 25 would fundamentally, at the root, change how I lived, what I perceived as value, and what was important to me.   I remember at age 25 knowing something was wrong with me, and being so terrified to find out what 'it' was.  I remember celebrating year 25, and thinking this will be my last birthday.  In all honesty, and in a completely non-morbid way, I never thought I would see the day I was 28 years old. 


How lucky am I?



You might think I'm crazy for thinking that, given everything going on in my life, why would lucky be the word I choose?   Im lucky because in spite of having to put my body through hell, and put my family and closest friends through a suffering I will never come close to comprehending - I have, over the last three years, understood what it means to be grateful, to be appreciative and thankful. More importantly because of those family and friends I now know, without a shadow of doubt what it means to truly love and what it means to be loved.  Because I have that understanding, I no longer have to worry about being alone or forgotten.  I've finally made the realization that I don't necessarily "need" a boyfriend or partner (whatever you want to call it) to cure my fear of being alone. I have learned that physical things are not what is important in life, its the experiences you share with people, how you positively affect them and their lives and overall help someone become a better person by knowing you that will have the lasting impact.   Im lucky because I've been able to spend three years waking up everyday grateful to be alive and be fully aware that life is not an entitlement, its a gift, a gift that can be taken away at a moments notice.  I understand my own mortality, and that understanding allows me to value and more importantly, appreciate "life".  Im lucky because I have an amazing quality of life, and realize there are so many people who have suffered considerably more than I ever will.  Im lucky because I have had three years to strengthen and solidify the relationships that mean the most to me.  

I explained to someone recently who seemed perplexed as to how I can remain so positive given how the odds are seemingly stacked against me.   In so many words I said to this person - You know, the one thing that can ever truly make me 'sad' is thinking about the people who have stood by my side and cried because of me.  Its one thing to hurt yourself but its an entirely different can of worms when you are inadvertently hurting the ones you love most.  I told myself I would live the best life I could until the last breath comes out of me so that when and if the time comes for one of these closest friends or family to reflect back on my life, they will know I was happy and did everything I could to lead the most positive, and active life I could.  Essentially, I would not let their tears be in vain.


Lastly, as with last year, Im lucky to be surrounded by people who care about me.  From my family, my best and closest friends, to my physicians and caregivers all the way to Bruno and has obnoxious tail and huge slobbery tongue...


Three years ago I wished to see my 28th birthday and be able to celebrate, with the people I care about, the person I knew I was destined to become, not a person of great wealth, or celebrity, but simply a good person and that wish came true a few weeks ago...


and for that, I am lucky...