Fool me once...

Recently I've been presented with an interesting opportunity to reflect on some choices I've made and if those choices, in hindsight, were appropriate. 

At the start of 2011 I was in a relationship with someone.  As time wore on, it became clear this person was not exactly the person he portrayed upon our first meeting.  Normally I don't just jump head first into relationships, I like to get to know the person before attaching the label so when the label is slapped on, nothing really changes.  Against my better judgement though, I followed my heart rather than my head and jumped in head first.  This person slowly started to try to manipulate situations and things I'd said to make me look like a bad person.  This person was constantly a victim, the world was out to get him and he was simply helpless.  There was never an ounce of accountability on his part.  This person decided that who I was, was not what he wanted and decided it was appropriate to change me until I fit his mold of what an "acceptable partner" would be.  Again, against my better judgement, I felt myself slowly starting to change small parts of myself in order to please him, the slightest idiosyncrasies were adjusting.   I was becoming someone else, someone I didn't know and didn't want to know.  

This person would look into my eyes and tell me, with the most conviction I've seen from someone I've been in a relationship with; "I love you", "I'll never lie to you", "You are the only one I want to be with... forever".  The last statement I found particularly "high school-ish".  You see, he has a very juvenile view of what falling in love is.  In his eyes, what happens in the movies is what happens in reality.  

Unfortunately for me, I was being cheated on.  Whats worse, I was being cheated on for four months.  The bourrage of lies was simply overwhelming, in honesty I don't quite know how he differentiated them all and was able to keep his story straight.  He is a very talented liar without question.  In any event, he eventually broke up with me, via Facebook no less, because thats what adults do.  They cower in fear of what the other will say because they know the other person has an expansive vocabulary and would have definitely had 'the last word' after being abused for so long.  But alas, I just got the boot on Facebook. 

Don't worry though - no tears were shed, you see, I'd have had to been living under a rock to not know he was cheating.  When he started locking his phone with a passcode, I knew something was up, and it only took a few guesses to break the code.  (If there is one thing I am... it is tech savvy) 

So I wrote him off... hoping to never see or hear from him again because he proved me right.  It was my fault our relationship took the course it did because I did not do my due diligence and really get to know him before slapping that precocious label on "us". 

So now that you're caught up to round one... we start the next part... 

7 months later... 

I get an email from this person saying very little, just wanting to "check in on me" because apparently I needed checking up on.  I also knew that his relationship with the guy he cheated on me with was coming to an unfortunate and albeit predictable halt.   It was at this moment I had a very important decision to make... 

What do I do?

Respond?

or

Ignore him?

To ignore him wouldn't be the adult thing to do.  I've spent the last three years trying the best I can to be compassionate, forgiving, accepting and understanding.  I really try to do the "right" thing.   So with that said, I responded to him... 

We talked, and we talked... He apologized, I listened, he talked some more, I asked questions, he apologized again, I asked more questions, I told him how disappointed I was, he apologized...

Oprah says: "Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could be any different"

I forgave him...

In this moment I realized I was doing the right thing because I know most people would want to hold those ill feelings out of principle.  If there's anything I've realized since I've been sick, is life is too short to hold grudges, be angry, be mean... Its not worth it.  But with that forgiveness also came the understanding that I wouldn't be so quick to forget.  So you can imagine my surprise when he quickly, within a matter of just days, started insisting we be in a relationship again.  Insinuating that because he apologized and I forgave him, everything was okay between us.  This obviously was not the case.  I was not going to make the same mistake twice.  

So after some careful thought and consideration I told him that we could date and see what potentially happened.  He made claims that he'd changed so much that I figured this would give me an opportunity to acclimate myself with him again.  Then like I was experiencing deja vu all over again, the first few weeks were fine.  He was fun to be around, and I had a wonderful time.  But then it was the onslaught of "You don't give me enough attention" - "When will you be my boy friddle"  (because typing like you a 13 year old girl when you're a grown man is endearing?) - "I haven't seen you in xxx days" - "I haven't heard from you in xxx days" (we texted, his preferred method of communication daily i might add... for hours)... and my favorite "Thanks a lot Ryan, I see you were out with *insert male name here*.  I guess that means you're dating them now".  The accusatory tone he would take, and the accusations themselves, I truly believe he'd convinced himself of - but they were almost more of a ploy for him to gain reassurance that we were still an item.  This person is outrageously insecure, but on the flip side requires multiple reassurances a day that everything is fine. 

Should a relationship with him continue I knew there would be no chance for me to have any male friends. I knew my life would be put under a microscope and I knew that my illness would take a back seat to him (or so he thought).   So when another set of accusations came at me in the middle of the night about 2 weeks ago, I'd had enough.  i realized he'd not changed at all.  He was the same person he'd always been and with that I told him I was done.  I would be more than happy to be his friend and let him be an active participant in my life, but the chance for a relationship was gone.  He was not the person I would choose to spend my life with, not now, not ever.  

What bothered me the most was that after I told him about being friends, he proceeded to tell me he was never going to date anyone again, because I was the only one he loved and he was going to wait for me.   Now before I go on, remember, I told you a few paragraphs ago that he and I were dating and I was being accused of cheating when I wasn't. 

Imagine my surprise when I found out he'd been going on dates with other people behind my back (again - shocker i know)... He'd been asking his male friends about me.  He'd created a Grindr (dating app) profile to try to catch me hooking up with people.   It goes on and on... Then last night... he deleted me off Facebook again.  

I had to laugh...  heartily and as a response, I decided to text him and below is a transcription of the texts I sent him...

Did you seriously just delete me on Facebook.  I know you're awake and I'd like an answer.  I cannot tell you how outrageously disappointed I am. Thanks a lot, again.  i thought I was doing the right thing by forgiving you for the terrible and hurtful things you did to me.  I let you back into my life and for the first time since Ive been sick, I, who lives with no regrets (I live with purpose and i do the right thing) - Well, Im starting to think I regret that choice.  I should have a stress free life and for the most part I do.  Full of happiness and wonderful experiences surrounded by the people who love me.  But when I have to worry about angering you and worry if what Im doing is going to upset you - Thats unnecessary stress.  What I realize now is that you don't love me, because if you did you would want to be able to be a participant in my life.  Instead, when you couldn't get your way (aka me refusing to blindly jump into a relationship with you) you then have no purpose for me.  Petulance is unfortunate.  I truly believe people are inherently good by nature.  i believe people have to go out of their way to be mean.  I believe ugly hearts happen by choice. You have been mean to me, downright and despicably mean.  Purposefully mean.  And I don't even think you understand the magnitude of your actions most of the time.  And your heart... well, it's ugly at times.  Im sad that I went out on a limb to have you in my life again and you do this.  Its not as simple as deleting me off Facebook.  Its what the act represents.  You're done with me, shoving my kind gesture back in my face.  I didn't do anything wrong.  I still wish you the best and i have a sinking feeling you'll be able to move past me pretty quickly. In fact, I might go so far as to say you already have.  (In theory that is)

What he didn't like was that when we would get into discussions about what I wouldn't slap a label on it, I would mention "you cheated on me in the past - you hurt me' and he would be, quite literally, flabbergasted that I had the audacity to bring that up.  In his eyes, I had forgiven him and he was absolved of any wrong doing and I should just forget about it.  Obviously any rationale person would understand why I bring that issue up and the fact he doesn't understand just reaffirms his immaturity. 

Now he will advertise to some of his friends what an awful person I am and how here again, another boy has 'broken his heart'.   He won't have done anything wrong though... I was just arbitrarily cruel to him. 

So now he's moved on and Im happy because now, I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I did everything I could to give him the opportunity to partake in my life.  To let him share in experiences with me.  To take my journey with me and he has thrown it away.  I will not let my kindness be taken advantage of again... I will not make the same mistake twice.  This person is not an innocent victim, the truth is, he is the reason, the sole reason, he is where he is.  He weaves these intricate webs of lies and deceit, some things that don't even matter - like not having a car or a drivers license, and not just not now, not ever.  I have learned from my mistakes and I will not make the same mistake again.  

So a word to the wise... Always be yourself.  You are important, and you are perfect just the way you are.  Anyone who tries to tell you differently doesn't love you and accept you for who you are.  

... and if you should happen to come across an early twenties gay boy who is a constant victim, who has been used, abused, and screwed over by every single person he's ever dated without doing anything wrong... watch out my friend... watch out and as they say...

Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.

... my feelings on the situation

In the previous blog entry I made mention of the discontinuation of my chemotherapy...  A lot of people have said "congratulations, what an early christmas gift that is!" or "aren't you excited?"  or "now you can get back to feeling normal".

The truth is, I'm not excited, I'm actually inundated with fear.  Im terrified.  I stay up at night wondering what is going on inside my body.  I find myself paying close attention to every inhale and every exhale.  Was there a difference between this series and the last?  Does my cough bring anything up?  Am I having trouble breathing?  It didn't take long the last time for my disease to catch up to me.  And, when it caught up - it caught up good.  You know, when I think back to the two major inpatient occurrences I had, the first for about 4 months, and the second for about 3 months, I often forget that even though the first time was more traumatic for my body, it was the second time that had the lasting damage, and effects long after I left the hospital.  I had my own oxygen machine for almost a year after I was discharged from The James the last time.  So am I excited?  my answer is - Im cautiously optimistic. 

When I think about being normal, I think it's funny because, this is my new normal.  I don't know what its like to not feel this way.  I don't know what its like to not have to rely on mass amounts of narcotics to get through the day and night.  I don't remember, because its been so long.   It'll be interesting to see how I feel in the next month...

My parents are both mixed I think...  My dad is happy for me, because he sees this as an opportunity for me to regain more control over my life, and he's just happy I won't have to go through as many procedures and needle sticks.  My mom... my mom is scared to death.  Scared because last time I went off chemo, this is what I remember...

waking up in my bed, sopping wet because I'd fallen asleep with a gatorade in my hand that spilled on me.  My mom standing over me, shaking me, but the room was sort of hazy.  She asked me could I sit up?  I could barely move because I could barely breathe.  I knew something was seriously wrong.  The next words out of her mouth were "Ray (my dad), call the squad, he's got to get to the hospital now".  I remember within 5 minutes the paramedics and police cars were in front of my house and the squad members were in my house with the gurney sitting outside my room.  They picked me up and set me down on it and strapped me in.  I remember as I was being taken out of my house, the last thing I saw was my mom and dad feverishly gathering their keys and my sister holding Bruno, his eyes transfixed on me as I lifted a few fingers to wave goodbye.  I thought that might be the last time I saw him, and I started to get tears in my eyes because I knew something was terribly wrong. 

I saw the sky as I exited my house, it was a beautiful fall day, with the bluest of skies.  I made a point of looking at my house, paying no attention to the traffic which had been stopped in one direction, until the doors of the ambulance slammed shut and we drove off, not knowing if it would be the last time I'd see my house.  

We pulled into Grandview, and I was greeted by a couple very familiar faces, including Debbie Ruef one of my mom's longtime coworkers and aunt to one of my best friends.  We've been great pals over the years and she's always been so kind to me, especially since I've been sick.  Debbie told me she was going to have to cut off my shirt, but not to worry because she'd buy me a new one.   They had trouble starting my line, but Debbie finally got it.  And when she did, with all the people and the commotion that was going on in the room the next thing happened and I can remember this like it happened but five minutes ago, and it haunts me to this very day:

She pulled the needle out of the catheter and disposed of it in the red sharps box and turned back to me.  When she turned i lifted my hand and grabbed her wrist and our eyes met, mine filled with tears, and I begged her "Don't let me die today. Please Deb, please save me"

She looked at me and put her hand on my face and said with a frog in her throat "i promise ...we're going to get you up out of here in no time so you can get back to making me laugh" and then she stepped out of my trauma room. 

I later found out the reason she stepped out was because she lost her composure and didn't want to cry in front of me, to keep me as calm as possible.   And in truth, she kept her promise to me.  She and the rest of the people involved in my care that day saved my life. 

I've often said I don't know what it feels like to save a life, but I do know how humbling it is to have yours saved. 

When I think about what happened when I went off chemotherapy the last time, I think of memories like the one I just shared, because very little good came out of me discontinuing it then.  Granted we learned a bit from our mistakes and Im in a different place health wise than I was then...

But still as scared as I am... I'm cautiously optimistic the future will bring good things to me, because to be pessimistic would be no better than throwing a pity party for myself and we all know thats not going to happen ;-)

More updates to follow!

To infinity... and beyond! - or just 2012

Its hard to think its already 2012!  So many great things to look forward to this year, including but not limited to the end of days in about 12 months from now.  Might I suggest everyone get out their lawn chairs for a front row seat for the rapture!

Im hopefully going to wrap up several topics into this one blog post, so here we go.

As a result of my illness,  I have been considered permanently and totally disabled as far as the IRS and SSI are concerned and as such I no longer work full time in an "office".  Not to say one day I won't, but for now - no work for me.  I assume it would come as no surprise to any of you that my days become, at times, monotonous and extremely boring.   Summer is different, but as anyone from Dayton can tell you, the winter months are just abysmal, with very little to do.  (I will say the above average temperatures have made my breathing a lot easier!)  With all that said, I finally decided, with the approval from my physicians and my parents, that I would go back to school.  Nothing particularly fancy, I don't think I should take a full load at first, I want to gradually get back into the swing of things.  Therefore I'm currently just taking one class.  I was lucky enough to also find it available Tuesday nights from 6:00 - 9:15, so I don't have to worry about getting up early which we all know I loathe, but more importantly, I won't have to adjust any of my medical appointments because of class and vice versa.   Im excited because this gives me the opportunity to regain a little of my life outside of my house, gives me a feeling of doing something that 'matters'.   I enjoy Wright State's campus, since all the buildings are connected with the tunnel network, and the buildings on campus are all extremely close together - it makes walking (which can sometimes, when its cold out, be an overwhelming task).   Just being able to get out of the house and do something that has purpose to it, is a great feeling.

Chemotherapy...


This is extremely late and I apologize for not explaining in detail what is happening like I said I would.  


On November 28th, Dr. Nanda and I had our usual "pre chemotherapy" appointment in which we were to go over the results of my staging scans.  Just so you understand, throughout a patients treatment plan different types of tests and images are taken along the way to guide the Oncologists in the appropriate direction for your treatment.  I get lots of blood work done all the time, and different breathing tests and cardio-pulmonary tests etc.  but the staging scans are the 'pictures' which show if, ultimately, the tumors are shrinking.

It should be said, since my diagnosis on 12/02/2008, never have I had a staging scan (which is given at 3-4 month intervals) that came back with a finding of "nodular consolidation" - or shrinking,  but I've also never had an increase of the tumors either, I've always had "findings are stable and similar, with little to no change from previous scan".  While I don't get amazing news that they are shrinking, I don't get bad news that its not responding.   Status quo for me!  If Im being honest, it used to bother me, to the point I would sometimes shed a few tears, but it was more because in my naivety, I thought it meant the chemotherapy wasn't working and in actuality the chemotherapy is keeping my tumors from grown larger.

So with that said, about 6 months ago Dr. Nanda wanted to try to increase the duration of time between my cycles to see if there was any change.   So we did, every cycle got a little longer, which was great for me especially over the summer!  She monitored me closely and this series of staging scans I was to have the results for on the 28th would be the tell tale factor, either my body would have succumbed to the tumors in some capacity, or they would have stayed the same and according the results of the staging scans, my results were no increase in nodular diffusion, similar findings to previous scan. 

This is good news!  So the long and the short of it - she told me she was comfortable DC (discontinuing) the chemotherapy to let my body rebound.  Im sure most of you know 3.5 years of non stop chemotherapy is not the typical scenario, its usually six cycles and you're done.  She explained to me she thought my body was strong enough now that I could (at least for the time being) keep the tumors from growing and as a result of not being on the chemo, the immune system that has been annihilated and subsequently suppressed since then, will have an opportunity to rebound and replace itself.

Im not going to lie - its scary.  I remember once upon a time a few years ago when a specialist at OSU: The James decided to DC my chemo and everything came rushing back and I ended up back in the hospital for three months.  But I realize my body is stronger now, and Im in a different place health wise now, and above all that, I trust Dr. Nanda.  I know, from the bottom of my heart, she would never jeopardize my life, or my wellbeing so Im comfortable.  Im scared, but comfortable.  So - here we are... The first week of January and no chemotherapy.  I get staging scans every 2 months now all year, assuming I stay off the chemo, so she can monitor my lungs very closely.  So Im hoping for the best!

Im going to break this update into a few pieces so - for right now...  this is the end of part 1, ill update part 2 shortly!

-Ryan