Saying goodbye with a hello again...

Sometimes people think it's odd that I can say how fortunate I am, or how blessed I am given my condition but if you've read any of my previous blogs you could probably gather that I have way too much to be grateful for than to sit and dwell on the negativity...

With that, it's no secret I consider my caregivers to be my life savers and there are certain ones who I wholeheartedly equate, without a shadow of doubt, singlehandedly saving my life.   Obviously, Dr. Nanda is first and foremost, but behind the scenes is someone else who I've probably not mentioned as much, but has been more of a constant in my treatment than even Dr. Nanda.  Her name is Kim... Kim the chemo nurse.  I joked with Kim a few months ago by saying "You know Kim, its been two and a half years since we started dating" - and she laughed with surprise in her voice not realizing that she and I had been fighting for me in excess of 28 months.

I remember the first time I met Kim... It was at Grandview, when I had only been diagnosed for about two days.  I knew at some point there would be a person coming in to administer this drug.  I didn't know what it looked like, I didn't know what it felt like and I didn't know what was going to happen to me.  The only thing I knew was how scared I was inside and felt like I couldn't tell anyone because I had put my family and the few friends who knew what was going on, through enough.  This was one of those times when I kept up my happy facade for the sake of everyone else I suppose.

It was dark, probably around 5:30pm on a bitterly cold December evening when I heard the knock at the door accompanied by a faint voice in the distance asking "Ryan?"  Kim came in the door with the bag of chemotherapy already drawn up, but I didn't notice it because she had this warm, inviting smile across her face which, for whatever reason, put me at ease.  She didn't just hook up the medicine and let me sit there to ponder what was happening, no.  No, so she pulled a chair up and asked if I had ever had chemo before and after I responded that I hadn't and that I was honestly rather scared, she told me how the process worked.  First with the premeds, then the delivery of the actual chemotherapy and then what potential side effects could happen within the following days.

We sat and talked for a while, and I felt myself getting tired from the premeds and I said to her "I feel tired, you don't have to stay with me - when the infusion completes and the alarm goes off I can call my nurse" and then I dozed off...

I woke up when the alarm was sounding and Kim was standing there unhooking everything, and she patted me on the shoulder and said "I decided to stay and keep you company... You did well, and everything is going to be okay"

She finished up gathering her things and wished me pleasant dreams before leaving that first night.  That first night was the first of many times I've seen Kim.  I've relied on Kim a lot over the past 28 months.  She has helped me with appointments and filling prescriptions as well as administering my chemotherapy but she also helped me remember that I was still me, I was still a person with feelings and that I mattered.  She visited me when I was an inpatient at Grandview - just because she wanted to.   There is only one other person who has visited me when they weren't on their rounds, and that was Dr. Nanda.

The two of them, Dr. Nanda and Kim are my heroes.  I don't know what my life would be like today without them but sadly Kim left Grandview this past week to take another position at the main Oncology office at Kettering and in a matter of weeks, when Dr. Nanda finishes her fellowship - she will follow Kim out of Grandview.  Luckily for me, though I said goodbye to Kim this week, Dr. Nanda has fought and fought to get me into the Kettering office because she cares about me so much.  So the goodbye to Kim will be short lived.

I guess it is true what they say about first impressions, you only get one.  Kim didn't waste her's and it has stayed with me ever since.  I don't know if she remembers what happened that first night, or if it was just her being herself but either way, I noticed and it mattered.  So Kim,  thank you - and I won't say goodbye, I'll just say...

... Until we meet again

Lifes been good!

So this will probably be a more brief entry as its getting kind of late.

I think I might boil this down into just a few bullet points to save time...

- I am so glad I didn't sacrifice myself, who i was at the core, for the guy i was dating.  Who turned out to be, oddly enough, the person he professed he hated the most - A lying, backstabbing, manipulative user who was only interested in the superficial.  Ridding my life of that not only freed up my checkbook but it proved I have the emotional wherewithal to stand firm in my beliefs and not just let them go at the drop of a hat

- I apologized to the guy I was dating before Greg - Andrew, for the terrible mistake I made in breaking up with him.  Do I know if we are perfect for each other?  No - but I do know we never fought and I only have memories that contain smiles.  To me, the smiles are what life is about and if you don't cause me to smile or vice versa - our time together will be very limited.   The moral though with Andrew was, I should have never broken it off the way I did - my judgement was clouded from some guy who was showing me someone who he really wasn't and I made a severe lapse in judgement, and I listened to someone else rather than listening to myself.  Not a day went by that I didn't feel bad for what I did... the fact he forgave me was like a huge weight lifting off my shoulders.

- By getting the 'bad' out of my life, and more so the want of having the 'bad' out of my life for so long, has made having it gone even more rewarding.  Im so happy... I feel so calm and back at peace.  I never lost sight of what was important to me, who truly cared and what i had to be grateful for... but it was hard when the 'bad' in my life was trying to change me, tell me who 'i was' was essentially unacceptable.

I watched an old Oprah show for some reason today, and only caught about 5 minutes of it - but in it she said... "Love means never having to say 'sorry'". It must have been a sign that I catch that blurb because I had an 'aha' moment that just instantly made me feel better.  The 'bad' in my life made me say I was sorry (even though i might have not meant it teehee) and he said he was sorry all the time for the things he said... So he didn't care for me, didnt like me and certainly didn't love me.   I didnt need 'bad' in my life, and I was glad to see him go - but knowing he didnt love me for some reason just made me feel good.

He loved my checkbook, my debit card, my credit card, my open schedule and most of all my car.   Hes a gifted story teller, and happens to have a busy calendar - though your schedule doesnt mean much ...

It was for too long about the give and take... I kept giving - financially, emotionally mentally... and he took... and took... and took some more.

With everything I have been through in the past almost 3 years now... I can say this - for sure...

The 'bad' in my life put my through more mental anguish, and torment... made me jump through hoops galore, mentally harassed me and mentally abused me - more so than anything I've dealt with regarding my illness.

And thats saying something

Be that as it may - theres no need to dwell on the past and the negative. He has growing up to do, maturing to figure out... and the truth is - he'll probably abuse more people like he abused me and the ones before me - before realizing... you can't continue to live like this.  The constant victim mentality is not attractive, the overwhelming sense of drama that encompasses your life is not to be praised - its to be discarded and moved on from.

But for today... I am happy

I always am ;-)