Take my hand...

Here we are, in 2011.  Another year gone by, more life lessons learned, more journeys have been traveled, more growing as a person.  I finally made the choice to no longer be a spectator to life and decide, in spite having health problems, I was not going to be alone.  I had been envious of my friends for so long, watching them have relationships blossom to much more.  I finally realized I was capable of having an adult relationship and, while I might have to look long and hard, there would be a person who would see me for me. 

To my surprise I thought I found that person over the summer.  Unfortunately as time progressed I allowed the relationship to continue because I was afraid of being alone, despite our commonalities being virtually non-existant.  In this instance, opposites did not attract. 

Then one day, without warning, this person comes waltzing into my life.  Offering his friendship and conversation we quickly developed this rapport with each other that I still didn't have with a person I had spent months with.  This person spoke to me, interested in what I had to say, wanting to know my interests, my likes and hobbies, etc.  He showed a genuine interest in me which I hadn't really had experience with, it was usually the reverse.   I actually felt strange at first because I had not been asked detailed questions about myself in so long I had to stop and think about the answers.  It was almost as though I was getting to know myself again. 

This person opened his heart to me, and in doing so, I opened myself to him, sharing with him the battles I had fought and in truth was still fighting, shared the journeys of how far I had come and my remarkable recovery.   Through an amount of tears I can only describe as 'a boat load'  we had a conversation that lasted hours bringing us closer than I had felt with any other person. 

We shared so much in common, and wanted so many of the same things out of life, our priorities were both similar.  And for the first time I felt as though he was more interested in putting my well being ahead of his own.  He is, without question, selfless. 

Days and nights of deep conversations went by.   Stories of pain and heartache filled the conversation as did stories of stupid mistakes and stories of the best of times which caused an eruption of laughter.  I was getting to know this person at what seemed like light speed.   All I could think from the beginning was, I feel like I've known him all my life. 

Im definitely not an impulsive person when it comes to jumping to relationships without knowing and trusting the person.  

I can't tell you why, I have no explanation, I have no reasons or rationale - but I knew early on this was a person I wanted to be with in a close personal way, I wanted to take his hand, and let him know I'd stand by him in the good times and in bad, as he had promised he would do for me.  I had already found myself caring deeply for him and feeling for him with regards to his own personal strife and sorrow.  I wanted him to know I only wanted to love him, and bring him happiness.  I wanted him to be able to trust again, without reservation.   I couldn't offer him a ton of money, in fact I could only offer him my heart at this point.  I could promise him there were more bad days ahead for me and I couldn't tell him when they would arrive.  Even knowing that, he told me I was what he had been in search of for so long. 

So this whirlwind journey we've been on has been a joy for me.  Im closer to him now than I have been with anyone I had ever been with.  He has proven to be a man of his word countless times already, by putting me first, worrying about my well being.  Accompanying me to treatment sessions, sitting there next to me, offering to hold my hand giving me the reassurance that one day I would be done with this fight. 

 I've chose to close a door in my life, one that I left open for too long to then have this new door swing wide open.  It's amazing how things work and when opportunities present themselves.  

You never know when you'll find the person of your dreams, the person who you spend a night just gazing into their eyes, the person whose hand fits in yours so perfectly.  The person who not only listens to your story, asks to hear more.  The person who loves you for you - be it your outward appearance, your sense of humor, your fragile emotions, your flaws or your insecurities.  The person chooses to take your hand, and stand by you and it's almost as though you can feel that persons love flow from their hand into yours. 

At first I was nervous to say I had these feelings because I thought some might think I was being naive.  I know me, and I know my emotions. I know what I feel today is something I've never felt before, and it's a trust I've never had before.  I wished for this person for a long time, and after I got sick I thought my wish would go unanswered.  I knew early on Andrew was not the answer to my wish, I know now I have found the answer to my wish. 

So here I am, in love with this person and this person is in love with me.  Im not a spectator in life anymore, Im happily an active participant.  Im sure I'll talk about this person in future blog posts, but I do have 4 or 5 posts i've been working on that I really need to finish sometime soon because I get annoyed always seeing 'draft' pop up.  So I wanted to introduce you to this person I love.    So here you go, I'd like to introduce you to my boyfriend... 

Greg

Quantity or Quality

I can remember watching movies portraying high school life before I even entered the halls of Carroll.  I was convinced Hollywoods rendition of the high school social system was the gospel truth and I, my 8th grade year, was preparing to enter this bizzare new world, trying to figure out where I fit.

I was not yet gay, but of course everyone enjoyed informing me I was.  I played all types of sports, and was good but only really played, though it was fun, because my parents wanted me to.   I participated in band which I found to be the most enjoyable and then I also took private piano lessons.   So as I browsed to social classes at Carroll I couldn't seem to find the closted-queer-band-geek-jock-pianist.  Apparently I was the founding member.

Well clearly I was going to cover many different groups so I was going to be loaded in the friend department because in honesty, friends are what you need to make it alive through high school.  So I made all these friends in high school and life was just swell and then I graduated high school and I didn't have to go back to Carroll anymore.  I didn't wake up the following monday and drag myself into the building 1 minute before the bell rang with sopping wet hair.  

Rather quickly, as everyone started going their own ways, I realized all these friends I had made over all these years just sort of forgot about me.  I realized the only friend I was still talking to from Carroll were just 3 friends I made so many years before during grade school.  Because they, like me, realized communication is a two way street.

As time went on and I participated in color guard and marching band my, what i call "current friends" list was coming and going which was normal, but I still had my "constant friends" .  I was fortunate to have some of those current friends graduate to constant friends over time and Im really grateful to have them in my corner.

Fast Forward to 2011

Most of my current friends are gone, I only have the constant ones left.   Of my constant friends, many of them have gone on to start lives of their own.  Be it a family, a career, whatever the future may hold for them, they've gone on to start the process of being an independent adult.  I guess what Im most proud of, is all my best friends are successful, they have their health, and they have love in their lives.   You are all so lucky.   There aren't many of you, and I don't need many of you - because the few I do have, I know care about me immeasurably, and you should know even though we dont see each other every week, or we don't talk on the phone every day - it doesn't mean I've stopped caring about you.  In fact, I care about you more.

A few weeks ago I had one of these close friends tell me she felt so alone and she didn't know what she would do without me because I was her only friend.

This broke my heart.

I used to feel like this, I think I even mentioned in an earlier blog post my biggest fear was no one showing up to my funeral.  I had to stop and realize I had didn't have 100's and 100's of friends like those popular people in high school or college, but I had my select few.  They might not be a stones throw away anymore - but they are there, just a phone call away.  Sometimes I think it takes some reflection on times gone by to remember friends you might have forgotten.  A trip on facebook to reconnect with that friend you have not talked to in a while. Or even just a look around you to see friends surround your life every day.  Friendships are two way streets, and you shouldn't be afraid to make a first move.

The moral of the story is I have have a nice handful of really close friends I keep in contact with regularly even though we don't see each other often - we make it work and love each other in spite of our distance.  My closest, best friends, are just two people.  Two people, who know me better than anyone else, know my darkest secrets, my darkest fears and they're all I need. I don't know if I would be able to manage tons of friends, I wouldn't be able to devote enough of my time to each of them and I would start to either stress myself out for not devoting enough time to them, or ignore them and have them start to regret me as a friend...

In the end Ive never wanted a lot of friends.  I wanted a close few who knew me well, who I could trust and depend on.  Having just a couple friends who you can truly count on, is worth much more than 25 friends who know the same information that your facebook info page does.

Its quality not quantity.  I trust that my best friends won't ever leave me, you should do the same.  And always take the time to tell your friends how much you love them. :)

Advantages and Disadvantages

Have you even been taken advantage of?  I would assume most people, on some level have and most of us are in some way or another responsible for it happening.  I think what hurts the most is when it comes from someone you really trust and they abuse the trust for personal gain.   I have no one to blame for the fact any of this happened but myself.   


The other night I was going through my iPhoto albums on my TV (thanks Lauren McMullen, I really enjoy it - i love seeing your face float by as my screen saver) and as Im going through my adventures from the summer that included Andrew I couldn't help but think how much money I had spent on these trips we had taken.   Obviously it was my money and I was free to do with it what a pleased and I definitely did.


I don't know  why I felt I needed to spend my money to make the relationship work.  I could sit here and list every trip we went on, every excursion to The Beach, Kings Island, Cedar Point... anywhere.  I paid for virtually all of it.  As I sit here and think about everything I put into the relationship, like providing transportation literally everywhere,  stupid love notes, overnight trips out of town.  I look back and feel like I really went out on a limb to make things work, to ensure we had an active relationship.  But I never understood though, why when he knew I lived at home under the watchful eye of my parents and family, knowing full well the reason, he only had me over to his residence a handful of times, and asked me to stay the night not once when previous relationships who had lasted a fraction of ours stayed over on a whim.   My feelings were slightly hurt because I was putting so much into this... Finding new things for us to do, figuring out how I could manage to scrounge the money together to make these fantastic experiences happen. 


I'm surprised I continued to see him after, early in our relationship, his phone was getting many texts and essentially vibrated right off the TV top in our hotel room and popped open to a message from someone saying what a fun time they had meeting him last several nights prior and they should definitely do it again sometime.   I never told him I saw that, because I dismissively thought it was nothing more that perhaps two friends reuniting.  Could it have been more though, I suppose.   




But what really, really upset me, and showed me how little care there was for me, was when on my birthday I didn't even get a card.  I don't want a 5 dollar Hallmark card, I don't want the 99 cent card, you could take a simple piece of paper and fold it in half to make a card to show you cared and really meant what you were saying.  It might have made the conversation we had that night actually mean a little more, but it was clearly too much work.  


In closing - look at the relationship you yourself are in now.  Is it a fair, balanced relationship? Are both parties participating equally?   I didn't do everything, nor do I even profess to have.  But being in a caring relationship is making sure both parties are cared for in all aspects of their lives equally.


Im blessed to have that now.  Blessed to have someone who puts me ahead of him.  Like I said before, I wouldn't change the events of the summer, because it lead me to where I am today.  And though I am at a point in my life where I don't waste my time on holding ill feelings, I do get sad to see a person I thought I knew and did so much for become simply... mean.


Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly...

Hateful words...

A friend of mine recently directed my attention to a screenshot taken that shows post on an internet social networking site where someone had placed this comment on their feed...

"Cancer is overrated"

I read it once, read it twice, I'll be honest and just say I read it countless times.  Thoughts running through my head, one after the other.   I did not know what my reaction would be, though at first it was anger, it transitioned into sorrow and sadness for this person.  

I keep the severity of my illness rather private.  Few people have seen me at my worse.  So when I trust you enough to show you the images of myself near death, looking my most fragile, consider yourself one of my trusted few.  I think of a friend, Jenny Alm, who has watched her son who is not even 7 years old have to battle chemotherapy and watch her baby be destroyed and ravaged by this treatment.  I think of her pain, her sons pain, and it breaks my heart.  How could it not?  Then to read Cancer is so overrated? Jenny has devoted the last 3-4 years of her life, as I have, to fighting nonstop - being the rock for her son.  And then to be told - youre story is nothing more than a trivial sob story?  How absolutely deplorable.  Maybe when this person comes down with cancer, he'll realize how serious it is.   The truth is, people like that generally don't realize how great they have it until its all taken away overnight. 

What disappoints me the most, is he knows my story, he knows the pain I went through, the pain my family went through the pain my friends went through.  He knew, without a shadow of a doubt, how close to death I had been multiple times.  He knew it was hard for me to look at the images from those times and yet with all this knowledge and understanding he allegedly had - he negates my experiences to something trivial and unimportant. 

I thought I would be mad but in essence Im just sad for him.  I see who he really is.  Sad and alone.  Mad at me for ending a relationship I wasn't interested in because we were two people going two different places in life.  I have always desired to get back to my job, a real job and he was essentially content in his entry level job which is fine for him, but not what I wanted.  Consuming your life with things which don't matter at all is nothing more to me than a waste of time.  Did you ever stop to think... Who cares about pop music so much that you spend hours and hours a day researching their stores, stalking them online to get all the "details"behind them.  Researching movies years before they come to fruition and letting your life encompass them rather than trying to better yourself and further your education and career opportunities? 

We each have our own paths to follow in life and mine differed from his.  Complacency for dead end careers was something I didn't want.  Financial irresponsibility is something, at my age, I couldn't get into.  I needed an adult, someone who wasn't paycheck to paycheck.   I tried to be a good person and spare his feelings to ensure he wasn't hurt and would be able to continue on while minimizing the hurt. 

Now, as I sit and scroll through posts on twitter, facebook etc... I see he is full of hate and anger, but most of all, he is full of immaturity.  I am angry that he made the comment about cancer, I won't lie but the disappointment is overwhelming.  I pity him, and I feel sorry for him because I know other people fighting their own battles will see his comment and their reactions might not be as mature as mine.

He wakes up spending time being angry about how life has dealt him a bad hand, making mean generalizations about others and taking advantage of people for what they can do for him.  This isn't a way to live your life.

I take pride knowing I've grown as a person from my journey and despite what you may think - I would not change what I've gone through because it has helped me grow and mature into the person I am today.  He has a long way to go, maybe someday he will get his life into order, but that day isn't for a while.  

I wake up every day, grateful to be here, able to have one more day.  I am so thankful to be loved by my family, my friends and my boyfriend.  While I might not have all the money in the world, I have what I need to get by, and Im so wealthy when it comes to love.  I can say, due to my journey,  I've never been loved as strongly, and I've never been able to love this strongly.  Im happier today than I have been in such a long time, and have so much to be grateful for... 

So in closing, despite reading these hateful words of 'cancer is so overrated' and getting upset, I realized i couldn't waste time being upset when I have so much to look at today and be thankful for.  

So if someone says something to you today thats upsetting, or stirs up some anger inside your soul - stop for a moment and ask yourself... Is it really worth getting upset about and being in a bad mood?  You are so fortunate and have so much to be thankful for - why not choose to celebrate that instead?

"Maturity is the ability to bear an injustice without wanting to get even,

 but wanting to fogive"

"Mean"

We all have choices in life, some are big, some small.  Some are life changing, some are not.  Some affect other people, some barely affect you.  Some can change you for the better, some for the worse. 

When I got sick I had to take a hard look in the mirror.  Here I was at 25 years old, presented with a situation which couldn't be more bleak, the odds of survival not in my favor, and the course of treatment was one of promised pain both physical and and emotional.   I reflected on my life up to the instance I was sitting in, and realized there were quite a few choices I had made which embarassed me, ashamed me and most all hurt me.  I thought about my behavior towards other people, and whether or not I was a warm and welcoming person.  Someone you would feel comfortable approaching without knowing me.  

As I sat looking back at certain events in my life, which then triggered additional memorable events, I realized I wasn't the person I wanted to be and it was in that late night moment at Grandview, my very first night, hooked up to monitors, tubes, a breathing device shackled to my head and my mom asleep in a chair next to me holding my hand to give me the slightest comfort, I decided my life from then on, no matter how long or how short, would be different - for the better. 

I had decided there was no longer time for me to waste on pessimism, there was only room for compassion.  No longer was I going to give a second of my life to negative thinking, as I would much rather be consumed with happiness, and surround myself with happiness than let the opposite fill my life.  

I can say, that even in the darkest days I've had, I have still been a happy person.  Im happy to be alive, Im happy to have my family and my friends.  Im happy to have a team of doctors care so much about me they go about and beyond the scope of their responsibilities to ensure Im cared for. 

I decided that I would do whatever it took for me to be a happy person.  If I had to change the way I viewed people, situations or life in general then it was going to happen.  To my shock and amazement, and quicker than I had anticipated, I realized what I had been missing out on for so long.  

Sarcasm on most levels is a way for insecure people to cope with things, and I can say without a question, it was a coping mechanism for me.  It really is an ugly quality that isnt admirable in any form yet here I was, someone who had gained notoriety for their sarcastic wit.   No longer would that be me. 

When I stopped hiding behind sarcastic comebacks, and comments, I realized just being plain nice is much more healing for the soul.  Sarcasm and negativity just take wounds and help them stay open, never to heal.  

It was my goal to never be equated with mean ever again and I have been totally successful.  Until tonight I suppose. 

Allow me to put a small story inside a story...

As most of you that follow my blog know, my boyfriend this summer and fall was Andrew.  I had convinced myself he was the person for me and was so caught up in my own insecurities about not being able to find a person who could care about someone who was as sick as I, and had the baggage I did, resigned myself to the fact he was the only one willing to do so, and I needed to get over our indifferences because I needed to make this work.  I had the greatest time with him over the summer.  We shared so many great times and experiences, ones I would never trade.  He got me out of the house, treated me like a person again and gave me the strength to realize my apprehension about dating was unfounded.  In truth, it was he who helped me realize we weren't meant for each other.  For various other reasons around Thanksgiving I ended our relationship because it was no longer fair for either of us to continue in it and I promised myself I would not waste time I did not know if I had.   Then this person waltzes into my life, charming, intelligent, compassionate and yes, attractive.   Quick chats led to conversations, which led to night long dialogues.  We began to tell our stories.  Stories of heart break, of pain and sorrow, and of building yourself back up again after you think all is lost.  We were two people, 'Strangers in the Night', who had a choice to make.  The choice to hate life dealt us a crummy hand and be miserable about it, or realize life dealt us a crummy hand and refuse to let it gain control of our everyday life.  He too chose to be the happy person I had chosen to be.   He was going to grow from his experiences, cautiously optimistic proceeding into the future, hoping to never repeat the mistakes of the past.  

I can say I've never told a boyfriend "I love you".  I've dated plenty of guys, but the few serious relationships I've had, I never said it because I never meant it.  Up until the time I was sick, I couldn't tell my friends I loved them, because the words were so powerful to me, I felt the were reserved for when I knew what the feelings were.  I relaxed that policy on friends obviously but still stuck by it with potential boyfriends, if I were to ever find one.  What happened next I can only describe as remarkably unexplainable. 

This person and I meet, and have converse and talk the night away night after night.  When speaking to him, I notice his outward appearance but its almost like i place it on a back burner for lack of better analogy.  I disregard it to an extent.  We look into each others eyes and spill the most intimate details of our hopes and dreams and even our fears.  We talk about the future and what it holds, what we want, and what we expect.  We talk about the past, what has happened, and how we won't be a victim of circumstance any longer.  We both have overcome what, at times, might seem like insurmountable odds with the ferocity of a jungle cat, but are as fragile emotionally as a faberge egg.  The connection I wanted, the one outside of physicality, I was finding myself uncovering with this person.  Every time we spoke time stood still, the earth stopped spinning and we were in our own place.  I saw myself start to develop feelings I had not experienced with anyone i dated before.  I experienced this want to sit and daydream about what the future we could share together would hold.  I knew letting this person slip out of my life was not an option because I had stronger feelings for him now than I had during any relationship I had previously that was any duration.  This wasn't a honeymoon phase because the HM phase is based heavily around the physicality and lacking in depth of knowledge regarding the other person.   The conversations we've shared, are conversations I've only shared with my two best friends, not even my parents know these deep rooted feelings and yet for reasons I cannot explain to you, Im telling this man.   The man who I have feelings for, strong feelings, feelings I know are about to have a label and that label is a four letter word I don't use often.  

Then, without warning, during a very serious and emotional discussion about my health and what I really wanted to find in life. I told him the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with was a person who would (if it ever got to this point)  love me enough to ultimately let me go so I wouldn't suffer anymore.  I told him I knew he had the maturity, and the capability someday to make that decision if my parents and other Health Proxy's were not..  It was then the three words were uttered... simply and sweetly yet with the force of two tons of bricks hitting you at once.   And I returned the three words, for the first time in my life, meaning it from the bottom of my soul.  You might think I am crazy, if I were reading this as an outsider, I probably would.  But you know when you have those feelings and you just know they are right.  This is that time.    I love him.  Im in love with him, all of him.  His faults and all, they are loved.    I promised him when we started out on this journey together I would never hurt him, never make him cry, never upset him or cause him worry and never have mean flow from my person. 

I haven't been happier.  The full story about him is another entry - but for nowthat is all you need to know... 

and now we FFWD back to my blog entry story...

Tonight after a conversation with him, I jokingly said something off color and stupid that I should have kept to myself and naturally the way I intended it to come out didn't materialize... and it caused a reaction I didn't anticipate.  There could have been a tear thrown in after my comment, I could not tell as Skype masks them quite well, but he told me what I said was mean and admittedly it was, and further more, I hurt his feelings. 

I can't take it back, I can't change the way he felt in that instance, and I can't pretend like it didn't happen.  I felt awful, because as soon as he said the word mean, I immediately went back to my room at Grandview on the day of my diagnosis, when I made the conscious choice to no longer be the person I had been.  And here I was, 2.5 years later, with a person that evoked feelings so strong I thought I was crazy at first, and had said something so juvenile, he labeled it as being mean.   I couldn't take it.  I couldn't speak, my eyes watered and I had that feeling in my throat so I just smiled and wished him a good night to only to sit here and think about how stupid my comment was.  

He'll probably forget about it and never bring it up again, but I can no longer say I've never said a mean thing to him, because I have.  And on some level, as trivial as it may sound, it saddens me, a lot.  

If I were to leave this earth tomorrow, the last thing I would want people to remember me as - would be mean.  I've been there and done that, because being mean was "cool" and it is not.   Thats why I made the decision to act differently and eliminate that behavior from my life in the first place.  

Sounds kind of a silly thing to write about doesn't it?   

I guess my point for this entry is, I hope your ultimate goal in life is the same as mine.  To be happy, and live each day with a smile knowing you have emitted kindness, compassion and hospitality on anyone you've come in contact with.  Smiles are free, they look good on everyone, and they are contagious.  Help me spread the smiles, we all might live in a happier place if we took the time to remember somewhere, someplace - there is someone who has it worse off than I do.  That in and of itself is reason enough for me, at least, to be happy. 

I don't get mad, and up til now, I've not been mean, but being this stupid and causing someone a tear or two or three - and to have them tell me I was mean... makes me mad at myself and has reaffirmed my stance on why I changed my daily attitudes enough to know it won't happen again. 

To you the reader I say this, knowing it is long over due...

I love you...

And to the person who makes me eager to find out what our future together holds, I say this... 

Im sorry for my stupid joke, Im sorry for making your tears come out and...

I love you

And don't forget as we enter this new year full of resolutions - you never know when today will be the last day you have here.  Treasure each moment, don't wait for tomorrow do it now, dance in the rain.