Recently I've been presented with an interesting opportunity to reflect on some choices I've made and if those choices, in hindsight, were appropriate.
At the start of 2011 I was in a relationship with someone. As time wore on, it became clear this person was not exactly the person he portrayed upon our first meeting. Normally I don't just jump head first into relationships, I like to get to know the person before attaching the label so when the label is slapped on, nothing really changes. Against my better judgement though, I followed my heart rather than my head and jumped in head first. This person slowly started to try to manipulate situations and things I'd said to make me look like a bad person. This person was constantly a victim, the world was out to get him and he was simply helpless. There was never an ounce of accountability on his part. This person decided that who I was, was not what he wanted and decided it was appropriate to change me until I fit his mold of what an "acceptable partner" would be. Again, against my better judgement, I felt myself slowly starting to change small parts of myself in order to please him, the slightest idiosyncrasies were adjusting. I was becoming someone else, someone I didn't know and didn't want to know.
This person would look into my eyes and tell me, with the most conviction I've seen from someone I've been in a relationship with; "I love you", "I'll never lie to you", "You are the only one I want to be with... forever". The last statement I found particularly "high school-ish". You see, he has a very juvenile view of what falling in love is. In his eyes, what happens in the movies is what happens in reality.
Unfortunately for me, I was being cheated on. Whats worse, I was being cheated on for four months. The bourrage of lies was simply overwhelming, in honesty I don't quite know how he differentiated them all and was able to keep his story straight. He is a very talented liar without question. In any event, he eventually broke up with me, via Facebook no less, because thats what adults do. They cower in fear of what the other will say because they know the other person has an expansive vocabulary and would have definitely had 'the last word' after being abused for so long. But alas, I just got the boot on Facebook.
Don't worry though - no tears were shed, you see, I'd have had to been living under a rock to not know he was cheating. When he started locking his phone with a passcode, I knew something was up, and it only took a few guesses to break the code. (If there is one thing I am... it is tech savvy)
So I wrote him off... hoping to never see or hear from him again because he proved me right. It was my fault our relationship took the course it did because I did not do my due diligence and really get to know him before slapping that precocious label on "us".
So now that you're caught up to round one... we start the next part...
7 months later...
I get an email from this person saying very little, just wanting to "check in on me" because apparently I needed checking up on. I also knew that his relationship with the guy he cheated on me with was coming to an unfortunate and albeit predictable halt. It was at this moment I had a very important decision to make...
What do I do?
Respond?
or
Ignore him?
To ignore him wouldn't be the adult thing to do. I've spent the last three years trying the best I can to be compassionate, forgiving, accepting and understanding. I really try to do the "right" thing. So with that said, I responded to him...
We talked, and we talked... He apologized, I listened, he talked some more, I asked questions, he apologized again, I asked more questions, I told him how disappointed I was, he apologized...
Oprah says: "Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could be any different"
I forgave him...
In this moment I realized I was doing the right thing because I know most people would want to hold those ill feelings out of principle. If there's anything I've realized since I've been sick, is life is too short to hold grudges, be angry, be mean... Its not worth it. But with that forgiveness also came the understanding that I wouldn't be so quick to forget. So you can imagine my surprise when he quickly, within a matter of just days, started insisting we be in a relationship again. Insinuating that because he apologized and I forgave him, everything was okay between us. This obviously was not the case. I was not going to make the same mistake twice.
So after some careful thought and consideration I told him that we could date and see what potentially happened. He made claims that he'd changed so much that I figured this would give me an opportunity to acclimate myself with him again. Then like I was experiencing deja vu all over again, the first few weeks were fine. He was fun to be around, and I had a wonderful time. But then it was the onslaught of "You don't give me enough attention" - "When will you be my boy friddle" (because typing like you a 13 year old girl when you're a grown man is endearing?) - "I haven't seen you in xxx days" - "I haven't heard from you in xxx days" (we texted, his preferred method of communication daily i might add... for hours)... and my favorite "Thanks a lot Ryan, I see you were out with *insert male name here*. I guess that means you're dating them now". The accusatory tone he would take, and the accusations themselves, I truly believe he'd convinced himself of - but they were almost more of a ploy for him to gain reassurance that we were still an item. This person is outrageously insecure, but on the flip side requires multiple reassurances a day that everything is fine.
Should a relationship with him continue I knew there would be no chance for me to have any male friends. I knew my life would be put under a microscope and I knew that my illness would take a back seat to him (or so he thought). So when another set of accusations came at me in the middle of the night about 2 weeks ago, I'd had enough. i realized he'd not changed at all. He was the same person he'd always been and with that I told him I was done. I would be more than happy to be his friend and let him be an active participant in my life, but the chance for a relationship was gone. He was not the person I would choose to spend my life with, not now, not ever.
What bothered me the most was that after I told him about being friends, he proceeded to tell me he was never going to date anyone again, because I was the only one he loved and he was going to wait for me. Now before I go on, remember, I told you a few paragraphs ago that he and I were dating and I was being accused of cheating when I wasn't.
Imagine my surprise when I found out he'd been going on dates with other people behind my back (again - shocker i know)... He'd been asking his male friends about me. He'd created a Grindr (dating app) profile to try to catch me hooking up with people. It goes on and on... Then last night... he deleted me off Facebook again.
I had to laugh... heartily and as a response, I decided to text him and below is a transcription of the texts I sent him...
Did you seriously just delete me on Facebook. I know you're awake and I'd like an answer. I cannot tell you how outrageously disappointed I am. Thanks a lot, again. i thought I was doing the right thing by forgiving you for the terrible and hurtful things you did to me. I let you back into my life and for the first time since Ive been sick, I, who lives with no regrets (I live with purpose and i do the right thing) - Well, Im starting to think I regret that choice. I should have a stress free life and for the most part I do. Full of happiness and wonderful experiences surrounded by the people who love me. But when I have to worry about angering you and worry if what Im doing is going to upset you - Thats unnecessary stress. What I realize now is that you don't love me, because if you did you would want to be able to be a participant in my life. Instead, when you couldn't get your way (aka me refusing to blindly jump into a relationship with you) you then have no purpose for me. Petulance is unfortunate. I truly believe people are inherently good by nature. i believe people have to go out of their way to be mean. I believe ugly hearts happen by choice. You have been mean to me, downright and despicably mean. Purposefully mean. And I don't even think you understand the magnitude of your actions most of the time. And your heart... well, it's ugly at times. Im sad that I went out on a limb to have you in my life again and you do this. Its not as simple as deleting me off Facebook. Its what the act represents. You're done with me, shoving my kind gesture back in my face. I didn't do anything wrong. I still wish you the best and i have a sinking feeling you'll be able to move past me pretty quickly. In fact, I might go so far as to say you already have. (In theory that is)
What he didn't like was that when we would get into discussions about what I wouldn't slap a label on it, I would mention "you cheated on me in the past - you hurt me' and he would be, quite literally, flabbergasted that I had the audacity to bring that up. In his eyes, I had forgiven him and he was absolved of any wrong doing and I should just forget about it. Obviously any rationale person would understand why I bring that issue up and the fact he doesn't understand just reaffirms his immaturity.
Now he will advertise to some of his friends what an awful person I am and how here again, another boy has 'broken his heart'. He won't have done anything wrong though... I was just arbitrarily cruel to him.
So now he's moved on and Im happy because now, I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I did everything I could to give him the opportunity to partake in my life. To let him share in experiences with me. To take my journey with me and he has thrown it away. I will not let my kindness be taken advantage of again... I will not make the same mistake twice. This person is not an innocent victim, the truth is, he is the reason, the sole reason, he is where he is. He weaves these intricate webs of lies and deceit, some things that don't even matter - like not having a car or a drivers license, and not just not now, not ever. I have learned from my mistakes and I will not make the same mistake again.
So a word to the wise... Always be yourself. You are important, and you are perfect just the way you are. Anyone who tries to tell you differently doesn't love you and accept you for who you are.
... and if you should happen to come across an early twenties gay boy who is a constant victim, who has been used, abused, and screwed over by every single person he's ever dated without doing anything wrong... watch out my friend... watch out and as they say...
Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.
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